How? How can we tell girls we care THIS little about them? TRIGGER WARNING - abuse and rape

[ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself]

My god. My fucking god. How?

I'm a victim of rape as an adult, not a child. The way adult victims are treated is horrendous.

The way child victims are treated is equally and if not more (even as an adult I don't know if that's ok to say - I don't know what is ok to say anymore and I'm always scared to say anything for fear of being told I am being over dramatic / biased etc) repulsive and makes my heart even heavier.

Eleven years? When he has ADMITTED the charges? How are these our sentencing guidelines? How can this be?

I often feel just in grief for what is happening.

I'm aware this doesn't just happen to girls of course and it is equally as terrible for males who go through the same - I am just speaking in the feminism thread because I feel it's vital that society recognised the value they place on young women is so unbelievable from childhood onwards.

My heart breaks every time I read these stories.

www.devonlive.com/news/devon-news/senior-teacher-who-filmed-himself-1858669

Fucking hell

So sorry OP. You are not alone in being horrified on a daily basis at what some men do to women and girls. No wise words - just a shared disgust at men like this.

He got 11 years.

It's horrific. And it fills me with anger that the remorse he feels appears to be all for himself, and that the media report it all so sympathetically. 'He has lost everything'. Well, so he bloody should. Do you know who else has lost everything? His victim. And the perpetrator's family. They've lost everything too. But no, it's all about his fall from grace and how terrible it is for him.

The mention that he was previously a respected person.

No, he was previously still a rapist. It just wasn't known he was a rapist.

Every day. Every day I am aghast at shit like this.

Eleven years?

People say well they have to work in sentencing guidelines. I appreciate that is a fact.

But that doesn't mean those guidelines shouldn't be changed?!

And then people say it's not as simple as that, it takes years to change them.

Yes. I fucking know. So let's start now, or we are just going to be further and further away from getting it right?!

What's even the point now. I am so tired of trying to shout about these things.

It's exhausting.

Have any other survivors of rape got to the point where they hope they don't have girls when they have kids?

I've never said that outside my own head before. I love children. I desperately want to be a mum. I aim to inspire and empower every young woman I meet. Yet I feel like that.

What a waste. What could have been.

*they mention

I was raped when I was 12. And then later when older.

As an adult I did exactly wish fervently to never have daughters because I'd be too scared.

I now have daughters and yes I am scared.

It is frightening Alonelonelyloner being a parent of daughters. Although being a parent and looking round at the world generally can be pretty frightening.

I have one son and as awful as i know it is to say, im glad ive not got daughters.
The world is just too much of a shitty place for women right now.
Although if i had one daughter instead of a son i could think about joining a women's commune and going all out seperatist so that would be nice

Thank you all so much for replying about that. I've been carrying around shame and a strange sense of disloyalty that I feel that way about having girls. I feel like however much I was to empower them I'm not confident I can protect them. Sorry I'm using this thread as therapy and that other people have been through awful stuff too and feel the same x

I have a daughter. She is my eldest. When she was born I cried steadily for hours as I was aghast at having a daughter. Not because I was disappointed, far from it, but because I didn't want her to have to experience life as a female. And I say that as someone who has 'only' suffered fairly minor assaults and violence, not the horrific experiences that many women have had.

My god this thread is making me feel sad other people feel the same as me but relieved it doesn't make me an awful person or crazy re worrying about being a mum to daughters.

Thank you for all being honest with me I can't tell you how much it helps to be able to talk to people about this stuff. Sorry for being a bit soppy - I might be doing it wrong, it doesn't come naturally to me!

Mother to a daughter here. My heart lurches quite often when I think about what she is highly likely to put up with and how terrifying the world is for women. I have a son, too, my worries for him exist but just aren't the same as those I feel for my daughter.

I can see the roots of it already, in boys at school, in films, in the endless comments on her appearance, etc. Sometimes I think its getting a little bit better. Other times I think it's getting worse.

But women are strong and resilient and amazing; it's a blessing to me to have my beloved daughter.

Op - being a parent is the most humbling and frightening experience - amidst the joy. Keep talking if it helps - there's lots of us navigating through all this.

Agree parenting is wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I tell myself it's my job to raise my DDs & DS to be strong individuals with values like mine. They will not be raised with the nonsense stereotypes that men or women can't do things due to their sex. None will be violent or aggressive. If we all do that hopefully the next generation will be better and safer

But women are strong and resilient and amazing; it's a blessing to me to have my beloved daughter.

This is heartening and definitely how I would ultimately feel, so it's lovely to hear. It's just such a shame that some of the pride is countered with the worry isn't it. Ugh.

Op - being a parent is the most humbling and frightening experience - amidst the joy. Keep talking if it helps - there's lots of us navigating through all this.

Thank you so much @Languishingfemale this means a lot.

I have always wanted to be successful and I managed to work my way out of foster care (I know, violins etc) to own my own business. Part of the reason was because I have always been so excited to be a parent and start my own family.

I feel so sad that my excitement has been threatened by fear. It's just such a shame isn't it. Thanks again for getting it.

Sometimes I worry it means I'm not cut out to be a parent but I desperately hope that isn't true.

This. Much love to you

You will be fine and good. You speakin* about it. This means you will be fine
My history not the best
. But now you are talking. It will be good. Never let the fear hold you back.

Grow and grow and grow

Know where you are coming from. Sigh

That you would care deeply about children and want to protect them? Sounds like a pretty good starting point for a parent to me.

One of the many gifts of parenting (Ive found) has been the challenge of having to learn to care for myself properly. You can't bugger off and hide from your problems - parenting has a way of forcing you to take responsibility. It's wonderfully effective at bringing issues to the surface and pretty efficient at forcing one to deal with them in a sensible, grown up way.

To do right by one's kids entails growing up, endlessly. I don't always appreciate this gift but it's there for the taking.

By which I am trying to say, OP, that just as parenting can be unbelievably difficult it can also be amazingly healing. Even the fear can be a gift.

My daughter is amazing and inspires me
I do a lot to try to teach her to trust her instincts - e.g. if she says she doesn't want to go somewhere with a man, I say fine and sort it out for her rather than tell her shes being silly, it'll be fine etc
I'm still scared for her tho

I have two adult daughters. I raised both to be kickass feminists. I cant change the shitty patriarchy they have to live in, but I gave them the knowledge and weapons to deal with it. Neither of them bought into the fluffy pink unicorn crap - they have degrees in maths and business, well paid and respected managerial level jobs, decent men as partners.
And DD1 is krav maga trained - she can floor any male attacker in seconds. She’s a radfem and volunteers to provide security at meetings.
I never wanted sons, and I’m inordinately proud of my daughters, God bless them. They’re my gift to the future of the women’s movement!

They sound awesome @Babdoc and so do you

Sometimes I worry it means I'm not cut out to be a parent but I desperately hope that isn't true.

I very much doubt that’s true

And, fwiw, I worry about DS being exposed to and influenced by the worst of male attitudes/behaviour almost as much as I fear for DD being subjected to it.

I feared having a daughter, I didn't know it was a fear until I got pregnant. Then I had a lot of sleepless nights, worrying and picturing things. I was angry at myself for letting myself get pregnant. I still sometimes feel that way to be honest, but at a more manageable level.

I didn't find out her sex until she was born and about two years in I developed what I know now is PTSD, or maybe it's complex PTSD - my counsellor doesn't really focus on the labels, which is one of the reasons I like her.

So anyway, I started seeing a counsellor. One thing that's helped me, that I've discovered through talking to my counsellor, is that my dd has something I didn't have, and that's me. And I am going to do my absolute best to make sure she's properly looked after, informed (in an appropriate way) and has a firm sense of boundaries.

I know it's no guarantee of course, but it helps. And I tell myself that if something bad happens, at the very least she will know (I hope) that she can tell me, and that she will be believed and supported, and that is the best I think we can do.

I made this thread in a moment of anger and sadness and I am so glad now that I did and that I've finally said out loud (or in words externally at least) that I am sometimes afraid of being a mum to a girl.

I had no idea at all this was something anyone else thought and as someone fostered and adopted I have felt so ungrateful that I would have the audacity, for want of a better word, to even consider which sex a child of mine would be.

This thread is making me see that those of us who think these things do so out of a place of love, care and empathy.

Maybe those attributes are some of the most important for parents to have ultimately anyway? Thank you so much for replying.

It was so powerful reading a poster say that their girls will always, always be believed. That made my heart happy. And it's so true of me too. They always would. I would be a safe place to land no matter what.

I may use this thread as a bit of therapy this weekend