Metro story about male breast cancer survivor 'refused access to support group'

[ArranUpsideDown]

You can see the Twitter reaction from a self-declared SJW here:

twitter.com/MBCoalition/status/1232946331976716293

Actual Metro story reveals it's about a FB group:

metro.co.uk/2020/02/24/dad-breast-cancer-rejected-support-groups-man-12291570/?ito=article.amp.share.top.twitter

I'm sure the outraged tweeter doesn't feel he's over-reading the situation at all. Why is it so easy and so damning to accuse women of insensitivity and so unthinkable that women shouldn't have to tend to a different set of needs and emotions? This level-headed chap thinks it appropriate to call those women who raise polite objections TERFS and goes further: That's just one reason why your hostile reaction is so cruel it verges on psychopathic.

"I was made to feel like...."

No. Take ownership of your own feelings. Women are not your therapists.

Women are not your therapists.

Agreed. And at no point did anybody who responded to him mention "deserving support" as a concept.

tbh, I know people who have developed cancers at a much younger age /very different demographic than most other people in a support group for that disease. They tend to prefer more niche groups where people understand some of their distinctive concerns.

There are men's support groups for breast cancer.

Damn women and their refusal to subordinate themselves in every sphere, eh? They are what is wrong with the world, for sure.

Hmm I see fault on both sides but I'm well aware that's not an Allowed opinion here.

He IS a cancer sufferer and this particular type of cancer in a man must .. be difficult to discuss with other men.. he's gone to Facebook for some support, likely at the suggestion of one of his care practitioners and by what I can gather, was rather unceremoniously told 'nope you're a bloke so you've no place here'.

I think it wouldn't have hurt for an admin member to reach out to a fellow suffer and explain in a way that included compassion and patience that the members of that group faced very different issues to himself in the face of breast cancer.

I suspect his knee jerk reaction will largely be down to the horror and terror of his situation - rightly or wrongly. Berating him for being a thoughtless Neanderthal because he's a bloke and you're a campaigner for women's rights .. seems a little like beating a dog for being a dog because you don't like dogs. He SHOULD apologise for taking this to social media in attempt to invoke some wrath on these women who just need a private space to adjust to their new realities. However both sides will simply continue to seek validation until an angry mob with pitch forks spend days throwing rocks at each other while none of them realise this behaviour is gaining either side zero ground and is utterly fruitless.

Both sides lacked a willingness to see each other's perspective owing to their own lack of perspective into each other's struggles.. I think both sides would have 100% benefited from outsiders to the situation encouraging them to consider that. But no one uses social media for good so that's just a pipe dream.

It sounds to me like everyone needs to cut everyone else some slack here. It sounds like the Facebook group did explain the reason why the group was women only, I assume this would also have been clear in the group rules. These groups are run by individuals in their spare time, they aren't NHS services or charities.

I can also understand why the man felt in need of support and while I think he has over reacted he's probably feeling very anxious and desparate.

This is why I stay away from Twitter, so many people so desparate to take offence at everything and so few people with any perspective.

Excellent post HotPenguin

Neither side needs abuse or criticism here. Such a shame that he went public about it.

I cannot imagine that a man with breast cancer and a woman with breast cancer are having the same kind of psychological experience.
The physical experience will have some commonalities, sure, but the rest of it? Nope.
Plus, we are all aware of how a single male entering a group of female people can completely change the mood and energy. Women use groups like this to be frank with other women about how they feel about their changed bodies, to discuss really difficult and personal stuff like breast reconstruction options.

Facebook support groups aren’t really about the medical aspects (it would be irresponsible if they were, seeing as the posters are not qualified) but about day to day living with a disease or disability.

Sure, he could’ve been rejected more kindly, but surely the solution is to start a group specifically for men with breast cancer, or to join forces with a group for men with a different type of cancer (testicle, prostate etc) and be a subset within it.

There are plenty of online support forums where the posters identity is largely anon, like here, where this chap could read and post about the bits of having breast cancer that are relevant. Quite a few of the major cancer charities have online forums.

www.hisbreastcancer.org/

If he was really bothered he could set up his own Facebook support group for men with breast cancer. Or does he just want women doing all the work for him?

Hmm I see fault on both sides but I'm well aware that's not an Allowed opinion here

Im always a bit humphy face when i see comments like this

Loads of opinions are allowed on here and you certainly arent the only person who can see both sides of...well anything

Having said that i agree with massive chunks of the post and i also agree with penguin

The guy can contact any number of cancer charities to be put in touch with cancer support group. Macmillan give grants to those who want to start a support group. Online groups are different to face to face groups (f2f tend to be "all cancers" not just one type, and the ones I've been involved with are for men and women). Online groups drill right down to the oestrogen positive / negative types, and the associated meds and effects, so I can't see that he'd get much useful info from those threads? Many threads are around reconstructions etc, so that's not relevant either. Many have bc + ovarian cancer issues, so I totally understand why they felt they weren't the group for him. Sounds like he'd be better off finding a general face to face cancer support group to cater to his emotional needs, and find/start a men's breast cancer group where he can benefit from the nuts & bolts of it all too. I guess the women's bc fb group could have signposted him if they knew of one (I'm sure they would have) . If not, well, he has many other avenues to try - life's too short to get in a twist about it.

There’s no need to berate the bloke, he’s got breast cancer, he’s probably already incredibly shocked by that and wanted to talk to others in the same boat. The group members had a right to refuse him but I don’t blame him for being upset at being rejected. I highly doubt it’s a case of a misogynistic man expecting women to do the work for him, most breast cancer survivors will be female so he’s bound to come across groups mostly occupied and created by females.
No one is in the wrong and those attacking the man are trying way too hard.

I can't believe that the Internet has no support groups that are suitable for men with breast cancer. I'm not even going to pretend that's the case, it's nonsense, he could clearly have found a support group.

I don't even see that he was rejected "unkindly" - there is no evidence of that in the story, exactly what else were the group admins supposed to be doing?

What the fuck is wrong with these men? The original guy who took it to social media instead of finding a new group, and the psychopathically selfish asshole Ally Fogg, who wants dozens or hundreds of breast cancer sufferers to lose a space that they feel comfortable and supported in, just so that a man doesn't have to do all the hard work of clicking on some more links till he finds another group.

Facebook is not like your local community where you could be the only man with breast cancer for miles around. That is the whole point of internet groups. He could start his own support group if there isn’t. I would have thought dealing with post diagnosis is very different for men. Support groups deal with the social aspects of diseases and conditions.

It sounds very much like the knitting group purity spiral stuff all over again.

No, I don't accept the women were at fault here at all. They have a facebook group, and he couldn't join it. He decided to go to The Metro and have a moan about that like it's an actual problem, rather than a boundary he simply wasn't permitted to cross, for perfectly valid reasons.

I'm sure he is having a very difficult time, as the women in the facebook group will be. I am really not happy that anyone thinks that his difficulties mean he has no responsibility to accept a boundary without complaining to a newspaper about it, but the women with the same difficulties really should be at least directing him to a resource suitable for him.

Clear example here of double standards and the cultural expectation of women putting men first and being censured if they don't.

"David" presumably does not think he's a woman so what does this even have to do with "TERFS" other than the person responding being itching for an excuse to hate on women?

And if you think I'm being harsh just ask yourself if a woman would have acted the same way, cancer diagnosis or no. And if a woman did, would she have got a sympathetic writeup in the Metro?

There are actually loads of breast cancer groups on facebook for men they have less members so could provide more support as you often get lost in a large group

That guy on Twitter? What is he on calling people terfs? Does he even know what the slur stands for?

The guy on Twitter is using 'terf' as a catch all Anti-Woman insult. Because that is all it is. Anyone arguing differently just wants to be able to use a misogynist insult with impunity.

Did a search because I was curious. Found two specific groups for men with breast cancer (both small but long-established) several that say they are open to everyone affected by breast cancer, including partners and carers, and lots that make it very clear they are women supporting women only.

Which makes proportional sense seeing as the vast majority of people with breast cancer are female.

I get that this chap is probably frightened and overwhelmed by the diagnosis, but it’s not OK to berate women in the national press simply for having and enforcing boundaries.

tbh, I know people who have developed cancers at a much younger age /very different demographic than most other people in a support group for that disease. They tend to prefer more niche groups where people understand some of their distinctive concerns.

Similar to gyny cancer groups.
As well as general ones, younger women have distinct concerns.
As an aside, I know one young women though who was told by a nurse she shouldnt attend the specific gyny support group as 'it would upset the older ladies'
She didnt go to the papers despite this being deeply distressing as it reinforced the myth that the disease only affects older/ post menopausal women

The twitter guy could have found a group for the man, instead of taking pot shots at women with breast cancer. Did the man go to the Metro with this story? Why didn't they help him out, instead of putting very ill women in the cyber stocks? They'll beat any woman with any stick.

I cannot imagine that a man with breast cancer and a woman with breast cancer are having the same kind of psychological experience.
The physical experience will have some commonalities, sure, but the rest of it?
Nope.

This.

This man clearly has no comprehension of how women's breasts being perceived as sexual is a significant point and something that men do not share.

There are plenty of women who will not want to discuss this in the presence of men for this reason.

There may be very personal accounts regarding sex or personal photos or self image and how the male gaze is relevant.

It is not appropriate for a male survivor to expect to be included for that reason.

This makes the man insensitive and yes misogynistic.

He has an experience but it is uniquely male. He should not expect to be prioritised over and above women.

Those of you thinking the man is out of order, have you actually read the article? It’s clear to me from the article he’s not criticising the women who rejected him from the group but is raising awareness about the loneliness and isolation associated with being a Male with breast cancer.

so what does this even have to do with "TERFS"

It's Ally Fogg. One of the ultra progressive men who is forever alert to identify the wrong kind of women so he can scold them and get applause from similarly-minded men. He's been at this for years.