If your daughter does not want to share a bed with her father and she has told him so, why is he forcing her sleep with him?
She's a human being - not a hot water bottle!
There is something fundamentally wrong about the way this arrangement is described, ie. that it is "his bed" that she sharing.
If it had been agreed (but apparently it was not) that when she stays over that it is her bed - then the question would be, "Why does he want to sleep with his daughter in her bed?"
Does she say why she does not want to sleep in the same bed as her father?
- If not, ask her - but do NOT suggest how she feels, ie. do NOT ask "leading questions" like, "Does it make you feel xxxx ?"
Does she say how it makes her feel to have to share a bed with her father?
- If not, ask her - but do NOT ask "leading questions".
Does she say how it makes her feel when her father says that he does not have a spare bed for her?
- If not, ask her - but do NOT ask "leading questions".
Does she say why she thinks her father does not put up the spare bed for her?
- If not, ask her - but do NOT ask "leading questions".
She might not have any "worries" about the arrangement but just thinks that he is lazy or disrespectful or selfish, etc. That in itself would not bode well for their relationship but much worse if she does feel uncomfortable about the arrangement.
It is really important that you do not let your negative feelings influence your daughter. It must be hard for her to be caught in the middle of this and she might try to please you by giving you the answers that she thinks you want to hear.
First possibility: If what she says should reassure you about the arrangements and her happiness with them then accept what she says and be reassured. Let her know you are pleased that everything is OK but that she can always tell you if she is unhappy about something.
Second possibility: However, if this is what it boils down to, then contact Child Protection and Safeguarding at your local Council and make a Safeguarding Report (or whatever they call it where you live) on the basis of "Neglect":
9 yr old child tells her mother, in so many words, "When I stay at daddy's he makes me sleep in the same bed as him. I told him I don't want to and mummy gave him a bed for me but he still makes me sleep with him."
Add to that the answers to the questions above:
- why she does not want to share a bed with her father,
- how it make her feel that he makes her sleep with him,
- how it makes her feel that he pretends that he does not have a spare bed for her to sleep in
- why she thinks her father does not put up the spare bed for her.
"Neglect - when people talk about neglect they mean when a child is not getting the things they need – like somewhere safe and warm to live; somewhere to learn and develop; somewhere you will be cared for when you are not feeling well; somewhere you will get enough to eat; somewhere you will be properly looked after; and, not be ignored. "
from:
www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/GUIDE_Young_Persons_Guide_to_Keeping_Children_Safe.pdf
Ideally, the official agreement would be that your daughter has her own bed when she stays over - this could be the bed that at other times is "his bed". It is then up to her father to make his own sleeping arrangements, separate from hers, when she stays over. This might prompt discovery of the mysteriously missing camp bed.