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Original poster

Father sleeping in same bed as daughter

56 replies

Kellyc8911 · 21/02/2020 19:28

Please can anyone help with some advice I have a court order regarding my daughter who has to stay at her fathers every other weekend she is 9 years old and sleeping in the same bed as her father in a shared house that I do not know who the other tenants are. My daughter is quickly developing in her body and I have stated that I am not happy with them sharing a bed or in a shared house where she has no other privacy. Am I wrong for wanting the sleeping arrangements to stop as I don’t agree with this at all and feel I need to break my court order as social services recommend me to get a solicitor and I have tried this but I do not qualify for legal aid due to no proof of domestic abuse.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/02/2020 20:26

I think Social Services would be very interested in a 9yo girl forced to sleep in the same bed as her father whether she wanted to or not

It is the lack of another option that is the problem

Original poster
Kellyc8911 · 21/02/2020 20:28

My daughter has developed in her body but I just feel she has to have her own privacy. I’m not saying father can’t have her but when it comes to sleeping I feel she should be at home in her own bed in her own bedroom

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 21/02/2020 20:28

Sorry , but this is very odd thinking to me. He’s her father ffs!!! Are you honestly concerned that her father is a sexual threat?

Why is this so unbelievable? I was sexually accused by my father until similar circumstances. Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by an adult close to the child. I would absolutely be concerned by this. It’s unacceptable that the child has no option but to share a bed with her father - what is she supposed to do if she’s uncomfortable about it? Do you honestly think she would say so? I’ve been that child and it took me years to tell anyone. I would not take the risk. The child needs the ability to sleep separately if she chooses.

Original poster
Kellyc8911 · 21/02/2020 20:31

I do not let my daughter sleep in bed with myself as I haven’t from such a young age I have asked a month ago to put the bed together that I provided two years ago for him as numerous amount of times have asked in past he has declined and still has not provided suitable sleeping arrangements.

OP posts:
CaptainKirksSpikeyGhost · 21/02/2020 20:32

Right, so i'm guessing you didn't right the almost identical thread a few days ago?

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 21/02/2020 20:32

I’m not saying father can’t have her but when it comes to sleeping I feel she should be at home in her own bed in her own bedroom

From what you’ve posted, her father can’t afford (or is unwilling, though I doubt that’s the case here) to not be able to have his own private living space with a separate bedroom for her. So what do you propose or think should happen if you have no issue with her father having her (enforced by a court order)?

Original poster
Kellyc8911 · 21/02/2020 20:38

No I never wrote a post I have only just signed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyc8911 · 21/02/2020 20:40

We have a court order because of I stopped contact with father when my daughter was injured at a pub by a door slammed by her father because of the fact I was taking my daughter out of his care while he was intoxicated he has to do a breathalyser when he picks up my daughter and drops off and has taken oath not to drink in my daughters care. So that’s the full story.

OP posts:
Delorean · 21/02/2020 20:41

Buy him a camp bed for your daughter if you’re worried. There will be plenty of room space for one.

Original poster
Kellyc8911 · 21/02/2020 20:43

I feel he can pick my daughter up every other weekend but when it comes to the night times he drops her back so she sleeps in her own bed

OP posts:
Reginabambina · 21/02/2020 20:44

So does she have a problem with it?

Original poster
Kellyc8911 · 21/02/2020 20:44

I have already provided a bed for my daughter 3 years ago. This has not gone up and now saying I never provided a bed which I am fully aware I did as I brought her a new bed when redecorated

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyc8911 · 21/02/2020 20:46

She does say to me she will like her own bed And she has told me she has asked him to which he reply to her is mummy never gave me a bed.

OP posts:
happycamper11 · 21/02/2020 20:49

DD is 10 and tells me she often goes and gets in to bed with her dad when at hhis house (similar situation with court ordered contact that in not happy about) however that is far from any of my issues. If that's where she feels safe I'm happy for her to be there. The shared housing situation would concern me though

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 21/02/2020 20:53

And she has told me she has asked him to which he reply to her is mummy never gave me a bed

To which your response is (not to her) I did provide a new bed so what the hell is going on?

Is your post trying to insinuate that you think there are nefarious reasons that your daughters father sleeps in the same bed as her when she stays over at his place?

cheesemongery · 21/02/2020 20:53

My daughter 11 and her dad have farting competitions when they share when camping. The only thing i'd be concerned about is his snoring, but apparently I'm worse and we shared for a couple of years when homeless (it's all lies about the snoring i tell you!!)

CaptainKirksSpikeyGhost · 21/02/2020 20:54

Or is it posted here to try and get women to say it's okay?

Because you don't really want to take advice and are steering the thread in one direction.

BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 21/02/2020 21:00

CaptainKirksSpikeyGhost

Exactly what I was thinking... didn’t catch Karen’s deleted post but I did think this thread was going on a sort of trajectory, hoping for a kind of “gotcha!” moment, especially because there are claims OP has posted this same scenario before. I’m not troll hunting though, I’ll just see how it all plays out...

MumInAdifficultPlace · 21/02/2020 21:42

Only asking for advice really

CaptainKirksSpikeyGhost · 21/02/2020 21:44

Have you name changed?

MumInAdifficultPlace · 21/02/2020 21:45

Yes

CaptainKirksSpikeyGhost · 21/02/2020 21:46

why?

NewNameEveryWeek · 21/02/2020 21:49

Free legal advice link

www.lawworks.org.uk/legal-advice-individuals/find-legal-advice-clinic-near-you

DeRigueurMortis · 21/02/2020 22:16

OP it sounds like there are a whole lot of issues here and I think it's important to separate them.

  1. I don't think it's inappropriate for a child of 9 to share a bed with a parent (whatever the sex of the child/parent) as long as the child is comfortable doing so.
  1. It's not clear from your posts whether the concern about sharing a bed is coming from you or your child.

In fairness she is at an age (in my experience) if ok with it now, it won't be long before she wants her own space/privacy so even if she is "ok" now it's not a long term solution. As such my focus would be to your Ex as to what are his plans to ensure her privacy moving forward because the current situation isn't sustainable.

  1. Rather than the bed I'd be more immediately concerned about him living in shared accommodation. Who with? Does DD have access to a bathroom that has a lock? What's the situation re: communal living space? I think these are far more pressing issues; though as above I think she's near an age (if not already) where her own bed will be important.

Having a relationship with her father is important but he also needs to recognise that as a father it's up to him to provide an appropriate environment for her to stay/sleep.

stumbledin · 21/02/2020 23:36

From what you have said it seems:
you bought a bed for her to have are his accommodation
he hasn't put it up / claims you never gave it to him
on occasions your daughter has said she wants to sleep in her own bed when with him, but he tells her you didn't give him one

Those saying they have got into bed with their father presumably it wasn't to spend the entire night and you had our own room/bed to go to, and were in a safe space.

It doesn't seem clear why it is expected you provide the furniture, is that part of the arrangement that you help him out financially.

Are social services involved in this? I would have thought they would write a report laying out the ground rules on which she stays over. And I very much doubt, even if they view the relationship between father and daughter to be okay, that the only sleeping arrangements is that she shares a bed with her father. Especially if he is someone with a drink problem.

Have you consulted Rights of Women? They have a free family law advice line - see rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

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