Changing YOUR behaviour to keep safe

[knightlight]

Up late feeding the baby and just thinking about the running route I'm going to take later today and I've just come to the horrible realisation that despite me living on a lovely coast.....I take a horrible road route just to stay safe!

I got in from my first run in a long time this week and was complaining to DH how I felt I was breathing in car fumes the whole way as I stick to busy routes along main roads.

It occurred to me that I live near a lovely long footpath set above the road which runs downhill to the sea. It has a gorgeous sea view the whole way down and is flanked by two fields of greenery ...why don't I run that way?....because for long parts there are hedges that cut off the view from the road below which would leave me isolated and out of view and to be really frank I'm worried about being attacked out of view.

It's made me quite sad to think I have to change my behaviour to not put myself at risk. My DH wouldn't think twice about taking this route.

I also used to have the choice of two car parks in town but now only use the non sheltered more expensive one after an incident where a man hopped in the lift with me last minute, stood really close to me and was asking me lots of questions about my shopping habits (not a crime I know but still made me break into a sweat).

Does anyone else feel like there are scenarios where you miss out or you have to change YOUR behaviour just to keep safe?

Definitely. I wouldn't go for a walk alone late at night.
I wouldn't wear both earphones at any time.
I wouldn't walk the dog somewhere isolated.
I would never go to a bar in the city alone.

Men don't even think about these things, if you ask a male what he does to keep safe out and about, he will have a very short answer.

I don't know if I've really done this much. I try to keep in my mind the real likelihood of someone attacking me in that way - it happens, but it's not usually the most usual kind of assault - obviously though this is highly location dependent.

The question I always asked was, how high does the risk have to be before I am willing to modify my behaviour? Mostly I haven't really met that burden for things like walking around where I have lived. As a student I did live in quite a dodgy area and it wasn't uncommon to have people accost you and try and talk to you because they were high, or ask you for drugs, or offer you sex, and I used to keep to the busier road there at night rather walk on the more direct but quieter residential road.

But it's a very personal sort of decision, and often hard to clearly quantify even in your own mind.

I'm a Male and I wouldn't go for a walk alone late at night.

@Likefootball what about a walk home from the pub (or other social activity) late at night? Something my DH would do and I would never...

I too run along the road rather than through the woodland next to my house, but only because I'd be worried that if I fell I'd be stuck as the phone signal is non existent there.i don't imagine there's some deranged attacker hiding behind a tree waiting to pounce on me.

I do think fears about safety is mostly a state of mind. I'm happy to walk into a pub alone, walk through a familiar city centre at night alone etc. I'd be less confident in an unfamiliar area though.

When I was younger I went through a phase of deliberately pushing through some of those invisible barriers. I think it was a mix of naïveté, seeing myself as an 'equal to men,' practicing a martial art that gave me confidence and an air of fuck this shit.

Nothing ever happened but I certainly feel less confident now I'm older and have children. It's frustrating being a woman on many levels. I find the attitude to mothers and the barriers I've experienced there as if not more anger inducing though.

Yeah I was a lot more confident when I was young: state of mind, I'd say. It's all about body language yada yada yada. Then I found out I was wrong.

I do still walk around my neighbourhood at night if I need to - carefully chosen routes - but I no longer fool myself that I'm safe.

And I agree men have to be careful too. I worry for my son. However I don't worry about him being attacked by women.

I thought only the same yesterday. My partner asked me the best route to walk to university. I said there is a lovely walk by the river through a meadow 'but I don't go that way'. No, I go along the main road..

I am always surprised when I hear people say this. I would absolutely take the pretty route to run. I've always walked home alone at night when it's been convenient. I park wherever is nearest to where I want to go.

I've had the occasional man be odd with me but I've never been attacked or seriously scared. I guess I always try and keep my phone charged and on me in case I'm stranded somewhere but that's about it.

Like a lot of things this will always come down to individuals' assessment of risk - which is something we humans are not particularly logical about! A lot of risk assessment is counter-intuitive, so hearing one detailed story about one assault a year (for example) could affect your decision more than reading stats about road accidents.

It all comes down to what you personally feel comfortable with. No point forcing yourself to go a way you have a fear about even if you know it's probably irrational.

I totally get this, but I have now taken the opposite back and increasingly take walks alone (well, with the dog) in the beautiful countryside and on whatever route I like around town (including quiet river side paths and down narrow alleys). Will always walk from town home after pub etc (though stick to main road). Have decided that the small risk is worth the vast reward. I absolutely love walking, it feeds me. I also really enjoying picking a path off the OS map and seeing what it is like. Took a long walk down a tributary like that the other day and was confronted by a man in the bushes at its furthest reaches - he was a birdwatcher who was trying to see if it was a dipper or kingfisher that just flew past. Of course it helps that I live in an (on pape r) safe place and I still wouldn't want to live in an isolated house of down a quiet land in town.

*tack, not back and lane, not land

I don't walk up a rather strange lane locally because it's the only road heading that way and once a person spotted you on it, they would know exactly where you would be for the next 15 minutes. The road leads to a church that feels as if it's in the middle of nowhere.

I did once walk up there alone and there was a man walking a dog coming the other way and I was terrified. Of course nothing happened.

The likelihood is tiny. But the risk is real because there is hardly a man on the planet under 85 who I could overcome physically, even if my 'fight' setting kicked in instead of 'freeze'.

I'm not one that does this. It just doesn't naturally occur to me. If I want to go out for a walk alone at night, I do it, if I want to walk a certain route, I do. Perhaps I should.

Thinking about it more, I might not run in all the places that I walk. I did use to do it without the dog though, but not so extensively.

Shouldn't

My husband said last night did I want to take the dog out for a walk. It was dark (about 8pm) and we live in a small market town but I told him no as I don’t feel safe walking in the dark.

I walk the dog on a daily basis in coastal, forest and rural areas where I can walk for an hour and not encounter anyone. I'm not the only woman to do so round here. I sometimes encounter the odd nervous-looking woman who tags along with me and says things like 'Aren't you nervous, walking out here on your own?' and I can honestly say that I'm not. I'd be much more nervous of being attacked in a city and even there I'm not particularly nervous.

I've lived in this area for nearly 30 years. In that time I'm not aware of hearing about or reading reports of anyone being attacked by a stranger while walking in the countryside. In the same period I'd guess that more than a dozen people have died of drowning when they were swimming off the local beaches in the summer with other people around. Probably 30+ have been killed on the roads – motorists, cyclists and walkers/ runners – and there was a rape locally a couple of years ago. The rape took place in a house after a woman had gone home with a man she'd met at a party.

As women we really do need to calculate our risks more accurately. We are more likely to be killed or attacked by someone we know than a stranger. One of the things we need to stop doing is watching those crime programmes where a woman is murdered by a stranger in the middle of nowhere every single episode. Those kind of programmes are helping to keep us fearful, helping to keep us down.

The group most likely to be attacked on the street is actually young men - by other young men!
There will always be risk, OP, but we need to keep it in proportion and not let fear limit our lives. You could stay inside behind a locked door your whole life, and still be attacked by someone breaking in.
I live in a stunningly beautiful part of Scotland and often walk alone to enjoy the scenery. I’ve had some lovely encounters with initially dodgy looking men - one showed me photos on his phone of the sea eagle I had just missed by 20 minutes, another showed me the teeth marks of beavers on the trees by the river, another was an author and discussed his book about the mountains.
The only problem I’ve ever had was a useless female professional dog walker, whose 6 dogs were completely out of control and attacked me en masse (unprovoked) while she was 100 yards away, ineffectually trying to call them off.
I’d say go on the scenic coastal run and enjoy it. You could probably outrun a hypothetical attacker, but if you want to be more confident take self defence or martial arts classes.
DD did Krav Maga, as she’d been nervous alone at night in Edinburgh. She now volunteers to provide security at feminist meetings!

I walk very happily in the dark and always have. Your route doesn’t sound worrying at all to me. I think you sound a bit over anxious about the degree of risk unless you live in a very specific, high crime area..

Whilst I get that people who commit assaults are entirely responsible for their behaviour, I do think people have a responsibility to take reasonable precautions to maintain their own safety. That’s not about women - young men are more likely to suffer from violence. It’s just common sense - you wear a seatbelt rather than saying it’s someone else’s faultnthey can’t come control their car.

I used to tell my girls to avoid walking home alone in the early hours from nightclubs and never to leave with someone they didn’t know.

When there was an assault of a young girl on the campus we paid for taxis to get her home if she was working late in the library or otherwise on her own after dark. It’s about understanding the level of risk and reacting at a point you feel uncomfortable with the actual or perceived risk.

It's so sad isnt it. And these adjustments so many of us make or think about, we dont even notice til we have it highlighted. And the more nervous you become the more adjustments you make.

I often walk the dogs in local woodland and up on the moors. I see other walkers, sometimes men walking their dogs, but I dont think there is a danger. I do sometimes think though when walking alone what would I do if this happened or that happened.

I do my best not to tbh. I mean I guess at times I probably do without realising but where I'm.concious of it im determined to not be the one in "prison" so to speak because im not the one doing anything wrong

So yes I walk home alone with headphones late at night.

I dont moderate my clothing choices.

I occasionally travel on trains and hang around stations late at night.

I have on occasion ended up in situations which haven't felt safe but thankfully nothing too much has happened. And wag has has mainly been verbal

When out in the countryside on my own I worry far more about putting my foot down a rabbit hole and breaking an ankle or tripping over a tree root and twisting my knee than I do about being attacked because those scenarios are much, much more likely than being attacked by a random man.

To the OP, why not start running that route with a female friend so that it becomes familiar and unthreatening and you feel confident about running it alone?

Agree. I did a bike ride last year. The route was lovely and about 10miles was on a disused railway parallel to a horribly busy road towards the end of the ride when it was dark. I commented to one of the men I was riding with that if I was alone I would ride the road instead. He looked shocked and I explained that I would not feel safe on a deserted track with high hedges and rocks either side. Whilst he agreed it was clear that it was something that had never crossed his mind.

Go run on the coast path.
what proportion of the population are violent psychopaths out to attack women?
What proportion of these are likely to live in your immediate local area?
How likely is it they just happen to be on that coastal path when you decide to go for a run?

I'm more nervous running in bad bits of town at night - more chance of meeting people but then I grew up in the countryside and actively avoided letting anyone seeing me run.
I run at night with both headphones in and music on - its fine
I run without my glasses on or lenses in sometimes - its fine
I run in the countryside at my parents on paths where there is no-one around - its fine
I've been known to walk 2 miles home alone at 3am after a night out (as a student - this probs wasn't so wise but nothing ever happened)

You are much more likely to be killed or harmed by someone you know.

Women need to stop limiting their lives by being afraid of shadows on coast paths. It is highly unlikely you would be unlucky enough for something awful to happen.

Go for the run on the nice path, enjoy the view and I promise you will feel 10X better for overcoming your fears and not limiting yourself.
Living in fear is oppression.