Changing YOUR behaviour to keep safe

[knightlight]

Up late feeding the baby and just thinking about the running route I'm going to take later today and I've just come to the horrible realisation that despite me living on a lovely coast.....I take a horrible road route just to stay safe!

I got in from my first run in a long time this week and was complaining to DH how I felt I was breathing in car fumes the whole way as I stick to busy routes along main roads.

It occurred to me that I live near a lovely long footpath set above the road which runs downhill to the sea. It has a gorgeous sea view the whole way down and is flanked by two fields of greenery ...why don't I run that way?....because for long parts there are hedges that cut off the view from the road below which would leave me isolated and out of view and to be really frank I'm worried about being attacked out of view.

It's made me quite sad to think I have to change my behaviour to not put myself at risk. My DH wouldn't think twice about taking this route.

I also used to have the choice of two car parks in town but now only use the non sheltered more expensive one after an incident where a man hopped in the lift with me last minute, stood really close to me and was asking me lots of questions about my shopping habits (not a crime I know but still made me break into a sweat).

Does anyone else feel like there are scenarios where you miss out or you have to change YOUR behaviour just to keep safe?

You do realise that statistically your chances of being killed while cycling along a busy road are far, far higher than your chance of being attacked while riding your bike along a designated bike track, even if it does have hedges and rocks along the side of it?

We really do need to take responsibility for our own irrationality.

I've genuinely never modified my behaviour because I'm afraid of being attacked. I go out walking, running and cycling in the middle of nowhere by myself. I get late night trains and walk through the middle of cities. You've got a much higher risk of dying in a car crash than being attacked by a random stranger. But I have only ever known one person who won't go in a car.

It's media and reporting (and parents who don't let their children have sensible, incremental increases in freedom to be out by themselves, but the parents themselves are generally influenced by the media) who create this sort of attitude.

I run on Hampstead Heath every morning, in the dark for several winter months. I would never curtail this for the tiny possibility that there is a (probably very cold) psychopath in waiting.

I was in a marriage with a man who didn’t like me going out, so I didn’t bother. When I left him I started going out and walking home late at night by myself. I didn’t really give much thought to any credible risks but I had a few experiences with blokes following me, asking personal questions, asking where I lived etc and telling me they would walk me home. I changed my habits after that and always try to get a cab or have company now.

I think it has worked the other way with me. I was determined not to limit myself because of any perceived risk, but then I had some quite frightening experiences that made me think again. I am definitely not a timid person, and I don’t shrink away from things if I don’t have a reasonable expectation that I’ll be in danger, but being followed in the dark and feeling intimidated and sometimes really quite scared has made me feel more vulnerable than perhaps I thought I was.

This got me thinking about the times when something DID happen.

Never out at night, alone, in secluded places etc.

No.

Mine included

1 doctor's surgery - didn't report, young, too shocked, he's dead now
2 trains, daytime with others around, didn't report, young, too shocked
1 bus stop, daytime with others around, didn't report, young, too shocked
1 optician's office - reported & dealt with.
1 ladies changing room shower - reported, fuck all was done about it.

It's always been when I was least expecting it might, never when I was worried it might.

I don't amend my route as I also live by isolated coastal paths.

But I do safety pin my running jacket to my leggings to give myself an extra minute to fight back or be discovered and have a screwdriver on my keys.

I think taking precautions like carrying keys between fingers or a rape alarm would be better than avoidance entireky. Personally I find walking/running with head phones really unsettling, but this is as much about missing sounds (nature/traffic/someone calling) than it is about safety from persons that might do me harm. I find it really disconcerting to cut off one of my senses, though I do quite like the feeling of being in a film!

I'm always careful where I walk these days. I didn't used to be, but having been sexually assaulted (more than once) I'm now very careful. Which pisses me off that I do not have the freedom to walk where I choose without a 'chaperone'.

18Likefootball said...
'I'm a Male and I wouldn't go for a walk alone late at night."

I'm male and I wouldn't in certain areas either, but I think the main difference is that neither of us would restrict our movements because we think we might be attacked by women.

Me and DD 15 went to the cinema last Friday night
I suggested we go and get something to eat afterwards and while we were discussing where to go I realised I was suggesting places we could park near and not have to walk through the busy town centre at 10 at night. When we got home Dh asked where we went and said “oh, why didn’t you go to x (favourite place)?” When I explained he was shocked and said it never would have occurred to him to consider where we would park safely

AND I wasn’t just worried about physical attacks either, last time DD walked past weatherspoons she was told she had nice tits and other vile things so it was things like that I was hoping to avoid too.

I agree that I change a lot of my behaviour because of being a woman

but interested to see how people talk about isolated paths etc

as a Londoner, I'd feel much safer strolling along - or running along - an isolated path, than I do in the area I live in now. When a place is rough, you could get dragged off quite easily and no one would notice or care. So when I eventually get out, I'll be out walking or running in the quietest places I can find.

I always do and always have done. I think it was really drilled into me by my mother in particular but my father too. Avoid shortcuts, parks, alleyways etc. especially in the dark...

I suffer from anxiety anyway so think about it a fair bit but it's also based on facts in my case, I live near a large green space and woodland (on the outskirts of London) and there have been several attacks of varying levels (from rape to being followed) in those areas in recent years, the victims have always been lone women. It's hard to tell myself "nothing will happen" when it has happened to others there.

I tell DS and DDs not to walk along the canal route by themselves - though I do it on way to supermarket - you do meet some people on the route but less in winter and I think I do tend to use less scenic route in winter.

Having said that I've had most issues on busy streets, buses and trains or platforms - though I've also had people intevene in some cases so perhaps that makes me feel safer.

vic " I live near a large green space and woodland (on the outskirts of London)"

yes, I think this is key. If you live near London and you're basically part of the urban grim in those areas, I wouldn't run there either.

probably the same is true of any city, so I'd have to go really rural.

as a Londoner, I'd feel much safer strolling along - or running along - an isolated path, than I do in the area I live in now. When a place is rough, you could get dragged off quite easily and no one would notice or care. So when I eventually get out, I'll be out walking or running in the quietest places I can find.

I think some level of familiarity with the surroundings makes a big difference.

As I said upthread, I really don't not walk places because of fear of being attacked. But a few years ago I went on a trip and visited Glasgow, where I've never been before. My traveling companion and I decided to walk to a roller skating rink and ended up in a sort of warehouse area that was quite deserted. Neither of us were particularly worried but we did comment that if we ran into trouble we had more or less lost our sense of direction by the time we found our destination. I am sure running away from an attacker while taking direction from a phone GPS would be a little tricky.

To top it off, we passed a crime scene where the police were still looking for some guy who had stabbed someone else. Though we didn't know what was going on until the next day.

But we still thought about walking back the next night again, and only didn't because we were too tired.

It's interesting to see the responses, about half of the people seem to think about it, half not. It would be interesting to see if it reflects more experience, or temperament. Or maybe even something like watching more television news which I find creates significant anxiety, I avoid it for that reason. Someone upthread mentioned having some great conversations with men who initially looked questionable. I've found the same thing largely, and spending more time talking to people who outwardly appear a bit intimidating has also reduced my anxiety.

I’ve had a bit of street / bus / train harassment. I’m not fond of unstaffed train stations at night.
But I feel completely happy in the hills / coastal path and woods (not scrappy urban woods but real ones).
I’d much rather run on the quiet coast path than chance toots and car calls by the road.

Im much more car reliant now so am conscious of where I park my car if I’m going to return to it at night.
The main disadvantages for me were always not being able to take advantage of shortcuts. As a teen I had a friend who lived about 2 miles away and there was a ridiculously long alley which cut the journey time. I would um and arr about taking it. I remember once I ran the whole way down it in the dark!

Where I live now, I don't take any precautions at all. There are one or two taxi drivers I wouldn't get in a car with, but I last took at taxi in 2007 anyway. I walk with my dog on deserted beaches and along public roads. Anyone trying to get to me would have to get past my dog and I wish them luck with that! Plus, I live in a very remote area with an extremely low crime rate. My front door doesn't have a lock and I only lock my car to stop my children from playing in it.

I lived in Glasgow in the 90's, and walked home in the early hours of the morning without fear. Mostly it was through the centre, but also sometimes in other areas (the Gorbals on one occasion, which was fine although I had been warned it would not be). It was all fine and very safe, until that one time when it wasn't. I was fortunate and the man did not manage to abduct me, but it could have been much worse from me. I was nearly home when it happened (on Sauchiehall Street, which I'd always thought of as safe because it was fairly well policed at night). After that I was more careful and tried to always walk home with a friend.

Now when I visit towns and cities I do the usual drill of parking in a well-lit area, being aware of my surroundings etc, but I don't think I am unduly wary. I feel like I am more at risk from people I know that from strangers.

I hope to live in a house one day and as a single woman, that does worry me. In my block of flats, I have a rape alarm by the door and if anyone has to do work in here, that alarm going off would alert the neighbours - though they might be too deafened to assist.

But in a house....it’s so sad because I really really want a house and garden but there’s so many safety issues to consider.

But in a house....it’s so sad because I really really want a house and garden but there’s so many safety issues to consider.

Well, you could get a dog. Even small dogs tend to deter house-invasion.

But in most places house invasion is really not common, and it's often about burglary when it happens. You're much more likely to be hurt in other ways.

Goose I wouldn't want a dog. It's true that those crimes are rare and I'm much more likely to be attacked by the partner I don't have.

However, I'm also expecting a lot of single woman hassle in a house. There's still some in flats, but as I say, there's a vague sense of protection in being surrounded by other occupants.

I live in a house and it doesn't really worry me - it's a terraced house though and back-to-back gardens so wouldn't be easy to break into, I do have top of the range locks in the front door but only worry about break-ins when I'm not at home.

I'd worry more about communal hallways; always have done after a friend was attacked in the communal area of the flats she lived in when we were all about 13 years old!

AutumnRose1, I live alone in a detached house in a village. My DH died in 1991, so apart from the (now grown up and left) DDs, I’ve survived on my tod for nearly 29 years. I can’t say I ever lost any sleep worrying about break ins, but my house was once set on fire by an arsonist while the kids and I were asleep inside!
I coped fine at the time, with the help of the police and fire brigade, and just had a bit of delayed shock in the morning, where I found I was laughing hysterically and uncontrollably all the way to work in my car. You do get over these things, I find, and they’re thankfully fairly rare.

Just for context, I grew up in a very rough area... I work not far from there now and there have been a few rapes in my city in recent years.
We're all indestructible at 18 and I didn't think anything of it then but now I know that I could never fight off a man and that thought is scary.

I thought basic risk assessment was human nature.