Transgender coach - advice wanted.

[barfotoliv]

Hi all, I'm wondering what your thoughts would be and any advice you might have for me on the following issue.
My DS is 7 and has been attending an after school sports activity for about a year, which he enjoys. The head coach has contacted parents today to inform us that one of the assistant coaches is now transgender (FTM),they have changed their name and wish to use his/him pronouns etc. I am gender critical and unsure of what to tell my DS about this. How do I tell him that people can't change sex, while explaining what has happened with this coach? I of course want to ensure he is as respectful as ever to them, however, in no way will I be telling him she is now a man. Any ideas on how to approach this with him would be welcome!

Well I suppose you can have the ‘gender means’ conversation. It covers such a wide spectrum doesn’t it? Will this effect their interaction with the kids (ie in changing rooms etc).

Surely you just say Sally wasn't very happy being Sally and prefers being Steve so might look a bit different. Obviously Steve is still female, but as being female upsets Steve she'd prefer it if everyone called her a him.

No, LordProf, shouldn't do. It is martial arts activity and they go already changed. Im just concerned about the mixed messages he might be getting, as the coach has said they will be happy to answer any questions the kids have at the next session. So I'm worried what he might hear there might be in direct contrast to what I might have said to him.

Go the religious route ‘some people believe’ explain gender versus sex and that some people have operations and medication to modify their bodies whereas some don’t and their belief is x,y,z.

Be respectful of people - and treat them like anyone else (so exactly the same rules: no asking to keep secrets, no inappropriate touching etc) as you would any other coach).

I’d be wary of they were allowing the boys and girls to do contact sparring. DS does martial arts and is as strong as an on.

Talk to him, find out how much he knows about sex and gender and the biological differences between boys and girls. Also the social gender constructs humans live with. Then tailor your conversation to his level of understanding. It's ok to be clear that Pippa won't actually change into a man, that's not biologically possible but she would prefer to be called Phil now.

That’s fighting talk in some circles. You also need to have the ‘when to keep schtum’ conversation too.

Obviously it depends on your DS. I would want to resist getting into the ideology behind this if you can, because 7 is very young. But I agree that if you do have to get into it then best to go with ‘some people believe’ like you might with any religious belief.

But actually, unless you feel you need to go there does anyone really have to get into the topic of ‘Sally is now a man’? Seeing as you can’t really change sex after all. Most importantly: Seeing as kids aren’t there to validate adults, of course.

So apart from changing a name which you can say truthfully to your kids, is a fairly run-of-the-mill thing to do, can’t it just be Steve’s own business how Steve wants to think of their own gender?

If you’re GC your kids are likely to already think that the people they know who are unnecessarily into believing ‘that’s just for boys!’ or ‘that’s only for girls!’ are being a bit silly. Because that stuff will be coming up in their discussions around games, toys, clothes etc and you’ll be talking about that.

So I think it’s too much that the head coach is expecting kids to change to new pronouns or that Steve would expect this. (We don’t know if it’s come from Steve or the Head Coach of course)
Why does what pronouns your DS (aged 7) calls their teacher, honestly matter to a grown adult? Given this will normally always be out of the teacher’s hearing anyway.

So I would be saying to the Head Coach that your kids will absolutely be respectful around the name change, and they will continue to treat all their teachers with the same courtesy they always do, but you’d expect that an adult on the staff would not expect of the children, that they should use any terms which would confuse them.

Then you could say to your DS, Sally has changed their name away from Sally because they didn’t like it that much.
Now they would like to be called Steve. That’s fine and we’ll all be using the new name Steve, adults can decide to change their names for all kinds of reasons.

If asked why Sally changed name, you can say it seems like Steve is more into things that they think men or boys like, (even though anyone can like anything!) and so maybe they didn’t like being called Sally because it wasn’t a man or boys name.

Your child will probably say, but Steve IS a girl or woman still, and you can just say yes but Steve is the name they want to be called now so we’ll be doing that. Nothing wrong with changing your name etc and it’s not really our business why Steve prefers their new name. And now, have you got your kit ready for the next lesson, and what shall we have for tea tonight?

The religion example is a good one - some people believe in God and get upset if you say "Jesus Christ", some people believe they are a man when they were born a woman.

Doesn't mean your ds has to believe it, but it's polite and kind to not use language that upsets people.

the coach has said they will be happy to answer any questions the kids have at the next session

This is the bit I wouldn't be happy/sure about, I think I'd want to discuss with the coach what exactly they'll be telling the children.

When a friend of the family decided he wanted to be known as she I simply said, you know John, well John had decided he wants to wear skirts and had changed his name to Jenny. And left it at that. No fuss.

I like Chatty's way of explaining it.
I'd be asking about what happens if my child doesn't want to use preferred pronouns?

I'd be ok with a name change but not the pronouns and I wouldn't want my child to be forced into compelled speech just so they can continue in a sport they enjoy and benefit from.

The Head coach is probably struggling with this, it's a very tricky situation, but still, the kids come first.

I had this last year when DD started high school.

The first drama class the teacher introduced them self as Mr A they then went on to say they were happy to be called he/she but preferably Mr A.
This confused the whole class as DD said Mr A was clearly a woman.
DD was anxious that she would call the teacher the wrong name or pronoun and get in to trouble.
It annoyed the hell out of me as the teacher is their to teach a lesson not to receive validation from children.
Anyway after about a month the teacher gave up as the children just "said it as they see it" and now she is just Miss and everyone just gets on with the lesson.

I would want to be present in the q and a session.
Facts are important and while I teach my children to be respectful of others I do not want them to be taught lies.

Thank you all. The bit that was concerning me most of all is also the question and answer session. I've asked for clarity on this. I'll see what I hear back. I am really hoping I will be able to brush over this with my DS and not have to explain any ideology yet, when he is, as others have said, so very young. My fear however is of the coach saying things like "I never liked make up and girly things, I always liked marital arts etc and so I realised I must be a boy". If there is no concrete question and answer session, hopefully nothing like that will come up.

I liked (and did) martial arts. One sister drives a tractor. My dad loathed football but loved watching ballet. Another sister had a boyfriend alter ego as a child.

Gender is as gender does - not actually much use!

Another sister had a boy as an alter ego as a child.

Are parents invited to this question and answer session? 7 is very young, I would expect parents to be present for it.

Otherwise I'd go with the 'some people believe' and if asked make clear the belief is not true.

You could also consider to suggest to the Head Coach that the Q&A is invited to be run with the parents or guardians of the kids. Not with the kids alone.
This could be while the kids are off changing or having their lesson or whatever. I don’t see why 7 year olds need a Q&A about someone’s name change. Making more of a meal of it than that makes it very difficult for parents who are trying to teach their children to respect others’ beliefs but to know basic biological facts. Because the beliefs central to this political position are not in accordance with facts. You can also say it’s a big part of safeguarding not to teach children to put adults’ feelings ahead of their own feelings when the child feels uncomfortable or confused about something.

I would also be interested in how they will couch it and what their attitude will be when a child - and of course they will - get the name and gender wrong.

I was a wussy kid, and to be honest this would have scared me a bit because they would be telling me something that I thought was wrong. As a child I would get ‘the rage’ if I thought someone was telling fibs.

I've thought of another question based on Penny's post.

How will the Head coach ensure that transitioning or trans related issues are not discussed without parents present?

It shouldn't come up, it should be about martial arts, but how will he ensure that naturally occurring questions are answered with full parental knowledge and consent?

They are bound to have questions come up outside of a Q and A session, just when classes happen, before/after.

I'm not sure I would want the coach or the Head coach answering those.

Whilst I am GC too, we also need to teach our children how to survive in the world and right now it is dangerous to be overtly GC - and its not a danger a child is equipped to cope with.

We can tell our children the difference between gender and sex. We can explain that Gender is the same as sexism. We can then go on to explain that lots of people have been damaged by their sexist upbringing because there is still a lot of sexism in the world, and they believe that they are the opposite sex and whilst obviously they aren't and never can be, we can't fix them and so long as they aren't harming anyone it is OK to play along with their fantasy.

We traditionally call things like ships and other vehicles, countries and the earth "she" despite them not being actually female and whales of any sex are she (there she blows), we can get our heads round referring to a transman as "he" without believing for a moment that they are male, if we so choose. No one should be compelled to do so or punished for failing to, but a child can't comprehend the knock on effects that could be triggered by them refusing to, so it might be wise.

And the issue of compelling a child to say she/he? It’s not fair.

It is horrible to be putting this on 7 year old children.

I cannot understand why adults are doing this to them. I'm so sorry you are having to give this any thought at all OP, it isn't right.

I had a related situation I just said 'bob' is a man but would rather be a woman and so we are being kind by calling him 'jane'. The DCs were ok with that

Uhare I don’t think it is in any way making a child less safe to be focusing just on a name change and leaving out the details of why Sally wanted to change name.. or to be giving the details of why Sally wanted to change name but under the ‘some people believe’ caveat.

For safeguarding reasons it’s very important to teach kids not to put adults’ hurt feelings first above their own feelings. They also need to know that their job isnt to protect adults, nor to validate adults.

So if the class in any way feels actually unsafe because of that then nobody should be taking their kids there because it’s no longer just a martial arts class, is it.