Transgender coach - advice wanted.

[barfotoliv]

Hi all, I'm wondering what your thoughts would be and any advice you might have for me on the following issue.
My DS is 7 and has been attending an after school sports activity for about a year, which he enjoys. The head coach has contacted parents today to inform us that one of the assistant coaches is now transgender (FTM),they have changed their name and wish to use his/him pronouns etc. I am gender critical and unsure of what to tell my DS about this. How do I tell him that people can't change sex, while explaining what has happened with this coach? I of course want to ensure he is as respectful as ever to them, however, in no way will I be telling him she is now a man. Any ideas on how to approach this with him would be welcome!

And the issue of compelling a child to say she/he? It's not fair

It's not fair and I'd wager there's at least one child in the class who is a bit more sensitive than others and would worry about the pressure of saying the wrong thing.

I'd wager that there's another kid who asks a lot of questions by nature and wants to understand what the F is going on with the coach.

Maybe most of the kids in the class would be fine with it and just do the martial arts but maybe some would be more affected than others.

I don't think it's appropriate of the coach to ask that the children to do any more than refer to them by their new name.

The coach is there in a position of responsibility and as such, and also because they're an adult, is in the position of power in their relationship with the children. It's not fair to compel the children's speech, especially on something as devisive as pronouns. It is, as stated already, a safeguarding issue to teach children to put adults' feelings ahead of their own.

I think the Q & A is entirely inappropriate too. Why is it needed? How the coach feels about their identity is of personal interest to them but how is it relevant to the students? A quick announcement about the name change would suffice.

My child is gender non conforming which isn't always easy in this pink & blue world. They have regained a lot of confidence by learning about stereotyping and how limiting it is. If they were in this class I'd be worried that all of this would be undone. Not by being around a trans person or by the name change - they wouldn't bat an eyelid at either - but by the insistence of the adults running the group that the children need to be made to understand the reasons for one adult's very personal decisions.

I was very blunt as a child. I'd have been the one repeating 'but she isn't a man is she?' at every turn. What happens if there's a me in the class?

Adults just should not be putting children in this position. I honestly cannot get my head round it.

@UhareFouxisci
Whilst I am GC too, we also need to teach our children how to survive in the world and right now it is dangerous to be overtly GC - and its not a danger a child is equipped to cope with.

We can tell our children the difference between gender and sex. We can explain that Gender is the same as sexism. We can then go on to explain that lots of people have been damaged by their sexist upbringing because there is still a lot of sexism in the world, and they believe that they are the opposite sex and whilst obviously they aren't and never can be, we can't fix them and so long as they aren't harming anyone it is OK to play along with their fantasy.

We traditionally call things like ships and other vehicles, countries and the earth "she" despite them not being actually female and whales of any sex are she (there she blows), we can get our heads round referring to a transman as "he" without believing for a moment that they are male, if we so choose. No one should be compelled to do so or punished for failing to, but a child can't comprehend the knock on effects that could be triggered by them refusing to, so it might be wise
This maybe the most stupid post on the subject of transgenderism I've ever read.
This is a 7 year old boy being discussed here. I agree with others that it could be helpful for parents/guardians being present in Q&A session. All discussions should be age appropriate and OP you know your child best. A seven year old child should in no way, shape or form be worried about triggering an adult.

This is the bit I wouldn't be happy/sure about, I think I'd want to discuss with the coach what exactly they'll be telling the children.

Yes, same here. I'd be telling the coaches not to speak to my child at all about gender ideology or their - private, FFS - personal transition.

Yes. Going along to a Martial arts lesson doesn’t mean any child has signed up to be given teachable moments about genderist dogma or anything else political and off topic.

I’m sure the kids are all looking forward to the General Election Q&A from the head coach next week

The coach may not have really thought a lot about the Q&A, just felt that it might be more that he's supposed to be available in that way. I'd suggest it might make more sense to have just parents rather than kids.

The ftm coach might wish to use male pronouns, but you as a parent need to ask what any of this has got to do with you and your kids, and anyone's wish to use correct pronouns. And what the sanctions will be for 7 year olds who forget and use the new 'wrong' pronoun.

I read a piece by a detransitioned ftm woman who said that in her experience every single ftm she knew had suffered some form of PTSD.

Thinking it through -

You could tell him that some people are so unhappy about something in their lives, something that's hurt them, that they try to become a different person to try to get away from this.

This teacher may have suffered something and is trying to cope.

Remember though that we can choose what to wear, what to call ourselves, how we behave - but we can't actually change sex. We're male or female from before we're born and we'll stay that way.

Keep that clear in your mind. Your teacher's a woman who's unhappy about that.

Let me know if anyone tried to make you believe your teacher is a man.

PTSD - before or after? I would think such radical surgery would cause issues.

Unfortunately, you have to tell your children to lie sometimes nowadays.
When I was at school, we more or less said what we wanted politically.

My children's experience has been very different. They have all learned to keep their mouths shut about their real opinions, and even pretend to have other opinions in order to get good marks.
In my day, we felt sorry for people behind the Iron Curtain for that.
But sadly, that is where Britain is today.

We should encourage children to lie, really? Wow.

I don't and won't be raising my child to lie, ever. If I make it ok for him to lie to others it will be ok for him to lie to me and I want to build an honest and close relationship with my son. Fibbing is nuanced and it's not really ok to expect a 7 year old to be able to determine the difference.

If I was in this situation like the OPs son is, I would say he should call someone by their name and the name has changed but they are the same person, still a woman as you can never change sex and they are the same good coach, but if he has any questions he can talk to me and if the subject comes up on class he should tell me about it.

Id also be asking the Head coach lots of questions, and I'd have a fair few for the Coach in question too.

it is OK to play along with their fantasy

Hell would freeze over before I'd tell a child to play along with any adults fantasy. What a terrible lesson to teach a child.

If I was in this situation like the OPs son is, I would say he should call someone by their name and the name has changed but they are the same person, still a woman as you can never change sex and they are the same good coach, but if he has any questions he can talk to me and if the subject comes up on class he should tell me about it.

This. Though I'd question the 'good coach'. It seems that this coach is more concerned with their own identity and insecurities than the children and their wellbeing. Any decent coach would put the kids first and just accept they can't enforce everyone using the correct pronouns (certainly not at first) and that expecting this from 7 year olds is entirely unreasonable and not in their (the children's) best interest. It will be confusing at best, and undermine safeguarding at worst. Why do they care? If they're with the children they'd be using 'you' or their name. I'm afraid this really gives me the creeps and sets my spidey sense tingling. I don't want coaches for my children who see my children primarily as props to their inner identity and make the coaching lessons I'm paying for all about them. The idea of a Q&A is really alarming.

I don't think there is anything sinister about having Q & A - they probably think it is helpful for the kids. As a parent I would want to be there for it too.

Lots of people here giving lots of thought about how to handle this situation. I wonder if this transgender person has given even a moment's thought about how this will affect the children.