Real names

[emerencemaybehopeful]

Magdalen Berns told us that she wasn't our martyr.

I've seen so many calls for women to be brave and to use our own names, more this weekend than before. Not to hide behind the very few women who are standing up and who are losing so much because of it.

And I want to talk about that somewhere. Because I finally got angry enough to start writing last week, and I have dithered about what name to use.

I have so much respect for those who use their own names. And I'm not the least bit embarrassed or afraid to own my opinions. But I have a very unusual surname and if I use that name, which is my husbands and which I've never really been reconciled to, my children will be easily traced. I've invested energy into keeping their online profile small. Because it isn't just about me, the individual. It's me, the mother. Me, the member of a small community. My name is not just mine, it connects me to others.

I hate the fact that the first question asked by friends who read my article was 'what name do you plan to use'. What world is this, that not one, but many asked this question? It feels a bit cloak and dagger. Which makes me want to just go ahead and put the name that is on my passport and drivers license onto all I do.

I'm getting into knots thinking about this and I'd appreciate other people helping me understand the implications of all the different decisions. To what extent is my female socialisation, my desire to protect my children and family, getting in the way of me doing good work?

Would I feel the same if I didn't use this surname purely because it felt easier to give in to my husbands strong feelings about the family having one name? I grew up with a double barrelled name and my parents each had their own and I hated that, so when he refused to pick a new name I agreed to just take his. But I don't identify with the name or with his family. And as I said, it's not a common name.

If I use a variation on my name, is that still hiding? My middle name? My mothers surname or my fathers?

Are the stakes different for those who work in certain jobs, or is that just a distraction or excuse?

What do we gain from real names vs pseudonyms? What do we lose?

I use my real name on (one of) my Twitter accounts. That got me a complaint for transphobia to my employer, which included twice a statement that I should be sacked for my ideas/beliefs.

So there are risks.

However, speaking a to a journalist and having a little bit of my story in the public domain actually relieved the burden of carrying the experience.

But it depends on where you’re publishing and what your affiliations are, and how you declare those affiliations. If you’re publishing in, say Medium, as a private individual, then go for it!

I'd have a professional pen-name. As you say, using your married name could draw attention to your children.

My twitter account is my real name and used for work. It does limit what I can say not just on feminist topics. If I was starting again, I might have two accounts, one very 'professional' and formal, the other completely personal.

If you have an unusual name, as you do, you are more identifiable, especially if you are on different social media where different pieces of information can be put together. People will have different levels of concern about this.

I do understand the rationale for asking women to be more 'out' in terms of identity but women (and men) will need to think about this carefully. Any decision has to be what's right for the individual

Whilst I agree that I am hiding a bit by not putting my name out there, it also means I can actually say what I think, no holds barred. There is no polite way to say that men can never be women. It will always result in anger and attacks from these men.
But nothing will be gained by being silent, or living in enforced 'agreement' by the attacks.

A real dilemma OP. Currently the prevailing institutions of power have been captured by men determined to silence women and appropriate all the safeguards and rights that women have fought for. And that makes us vulnerable. Until the law acts to protect free speech and ensures that women are able to speak out about this abuse without losing us our jobs and our safety, I'd have no hesitation in hiding my real name.
There are some judicial reviews - fair cop and Maya Fortstater to name a couple - which hopefully will help - if they win.

Don't forget that some TRA's/MRA's are completely unhinged. Didn't Posie Parker and Caroline Farrow have their kids schools published online?

In your place I'd use a pen name.

I wouldn't use your real name unless you are 100% confident. It doesn't sound like you are.

The main impact about the "real name" thing going on at the moment is so you can see so many women coming out as GC and being brave, but there's no obligation to do it.

I too have an unusual name. I'm also in an area of employment where I'm required (it's in my contract) to be politically neutral, and we have quite detailed rules about keeping private political activity and professional life separate - this is all political views, not just trans issues. So I tend to be ultra cautious.

I have however deliberately commented BTL in some national newspapers in a very careful and I hope respectful way - but nonetheless unequivocally gender critical. I've done this partly as a defence against doxxing. If the shit ever hit the fan, I'd be able to say to HR, yes, these are my private political views, they're out there under my own name, but I'm careful not to link them to my workplace, and I do have freedom of political expression in my private life clearly set out in our workplace conduct guide, and freedom of belief is a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act.

I hear you OP. I'm also GC under my own name but in a careful restrained way, focusing on "safer" issues like transing of children and sports. It's easier to get people thinking that way and I've managed to "peak trans" a lot of people I know. On AGP and more out there topics, I use a pseudonym as there are risks to me and my family work-wise.

Mouthy, what was your employers response, if you don't mind me asking?

I find it disturbing that so many employers buckle and don't support their employee; and tell the complainant to piss off.

I'd expect a bit more loyalty from mine, but i'm too chicken to test that theory myself.

Do what will be most beneficial to you and to your ideals.
There are spies and secret agents in every fight. If every member of the French resistance felt compelled to declare "actually, my real name is this and my true motivation is X" the war might have ended differently.

Additionally, there is a reason why our democracy preserves anonymity in voting. It preserves fairness.

Sometimes it is more important to remain anonymous and provide show of strength in numbers instead.

If you are a public figure and your name lends weight, then use it.
If breaking anonymity would place you and your children in danger, or even just hobble your effectiveness, then don't. If you know you would say less, self-moderate more, reduce your actions because of your name being known, then it's a counterproductive exercise.

Be the most effective you can be. Only you know whether that will be named or anonymous.

Don't feel pressured by the game of chicken. The aim is to make the biggest difference you can.

My take is to look at other areas where women live with abuse and risk.
What do we tell women who are living with domestic violence? We don't tell them that they must leave, now.
We trust them to know when they have the resources to act safely.

I am in the same position op. My surname is very unusual, it is my husband’s name, it then makes my children easy to find and /or bully . If you google it my husband and daughter will come up.
I am on twitter under my real name, so I am careful about what I tweet. I am stuck about what to do. I agree there is strength in numbers , but I feel a responsibility towards my family too.
I am fairly vocal in real life about women’s rights, but I am far less vocal online. I could use my very common maiden name, but that also feels cowardly. It is a dilemma.

I don't use my real name on twitter because it would trace back to my daughter and her partner. It's OK to make the choice for yourself, but not for other people.

I'm out and proud OP but I sympathise with your dilemma. I think it is easier all round to be open. Friends who have preferred to remain anonymous for similar reasons to you end up getting into all sorts of tangles - what happens if they go to a WPUK meeting or a protest? Or do they just not go? Do they speak up in meetings at work or sign a letter to a newspaper? It is useful to have people who are willing to write under their own name to employers/universities/newspapers and to come to meetings and get together.

I was influenced by knowing people who were active in antifascism in the 80s and 90s, and faced violent threats. In the end the choice was to protest or not to protest. Perhaps that is different now that we have the internet, but being able to talk openly to politicians, newspapers etc does matter. There is strength in numbers. Once you come out as GC you find there are lots of others who will get in touch and help you.

One thing I would say - every woman makes her own judgment call on this and that is fine. But try to avoid getting in touch with those who are 'out' and asking if they are ok that you are not (I know that is not what you are doing here, by the way). I get quite a lot of those requests and so do other women I know. Perfectly understandable, but I and those I know don't really have time or energy to salve the consciences of those who believe they have to remain anonymous.

My surname is unusual and I share it with my wider family. My relatives are frequently vetted for government contracts: given the high ratio of trans-identifying individuals making policy in the civil service, my (tiny but vocal) social media utterances would undoubtedly cause problems.

Additionally, I've been anonymous online for two decades due to stalking by dangerous men. I am able to have freedom of speech / freedom of thought that would be impossible were I scared of being doxxed and "found" by my psychotic Ex. It has taken me years to recover physically and emotionally from domestic violence, to the point where I now have a career in education that I did not believe possible even six years ago. With it comes the responsibility to not bring my institution into disrepute for my personal beliefs. Sadly, knowing biological reality is now heresy so I am constrained three-fold from using my real name. I know my situation is not at all unusual.

Do not use your real name if you are writing about LGBT issues and have children or family to protect.

Learn from my mistake.

Well you write lots of homophobic stuff as well Caroline. Nothing excuses the harassment you or your family have had had but it was from transactivists. So it's a bit inaccurate of you to lump gay and lesbian people in with TRAs in that instance.

My position is that I discuss this overtly IRL (which hasn’t been consequence free, but they are consequences I was aware of and can live with), but my discussion of the issues online is anonymous. And will stay that way for now for the sake of my children.

What needs to stop is women challenging others to give up their anonymity - I had a few PMs on twitter to this effect. We don’t know each other’s personal lives and need to respect differing boundaries.

I wrote a twitter thread on it earlier. We have to each focus on doing what we can. Not beat ourselves (or each other) up for what we can’t do.

After seeing Posie Parker and Caroline Farrow’s children targeted I won’t take the risk of using my own name.

Be Brave, yes. But women also have to be safe. I admire any woman who puts their head out there and risks their employment and their safety. But I completely understand why many women don’t and I think anyone who is planning to give up their anonymity should take the time to think through the worst case scenarios - stalking, job loss, doxxing, law suits, physical violence.

I’m deeply sorry about the loss of Magdalen Berns but I didn’t agree with her on this. Or with Julie Bindel, who I admire enormously. Women choose to prioritise their safety for very good reasons.

A hard path to walk, for sure.

All my social media, except mumsnet is in my own name very openly. I have an employer who is just about as opposite to me in their gender critical views as it can get. I follow/say nothing GC under my own name online, partly because I am scared of TRAs and partly because my employer might well take action against me. I don't feel happy or comfortable with my situation, but I do at least feel safe.

I don’t write any homophobic stuff. Unless of course you believe in the concept of gay penguins. I’ve never had the police wanting to talk to me about homophobic postings, only the Susie Green stuff.

But TBF, while I got a shedload of grief over defending the traditional position on marriage, it didn’t quite extend to the level of violent & sexual threats. Though someone did dox me by outing my former names which they’d looked up on the register.

I just think mothers are particularly vulnerable.

Meghan Murphy quite rightly got shit for posting the following:

in light of the tragic death of brilliant, brave, and always witty Magdalen Berns, I will no longer tolerate excuses about anonymity and refusing to speak out in defense of women's sex-based rights (UNDER ONE'S OWN NAME!)

So many women cannot do this. Don't shit on them Meghan.

I will be staying anonymous online for the foreseeable future due to a combination of potential impact on family members, and a job situation that could go badly wrong if I was fully open (and especially due to the point where these meet, as the job situation would of course heavily impact my family/dependents if it went wrong). It doesn't feel fair to put them at risk of that.

However - that doesn't stop me being active in my real name elsewhere, for example, speaking out to people I know and where I don't feel there is a risk, writing letters to MPs and others for example, and I feel better for being able to do that. The difference is that online you are open to anyone including the most dodgy of the TRAs; but we can still achieve a lot without having to broadcast it to them.

I'm not prepared to lose my job by speaking out.
I am prepared to write to my MP using my name, I'm prepared to vote for any politician who is openly gender critical, I'm prepared to attend meetings, to distribute leaflets, and to discuss this online anonymously. I share information on various sites.
But me losing my job isn't going to achieve anything is it?