Real names

[emerencemaybehopeful]

Magdalen Berns told us that she wasn't our martyr.

I've seen so many calls for women to be brave and to use our own names, more this weekend than before. Not to hide behind the very few women who are standing up and who are losing so much because of it.

And I want to talk about that somewhere. Because I finally got angry enough to start writing last week, and I have dithered about what name to use.

I have so much respect for those who use their own names. And I'm not the least bit embarrassed or afraid to own my opinions. But I have a very unusual surname and if I use that name, which is my husbands and which I've never really been reconciled to, my children will be easily traced. I've invested energy into keeping their online profile small. Because it isn't just about me, the individual. It's me, the mother. Me, the member of a small community. My name is not just mine, it connects me to others.

I hate the fact that the first question asked by friends who read my article was 'what name do you plan to use'. What world is this, that not one, but many asked this question? It feels a bit cloak and dagger. Which makes me want to just go ahead and put the name that is on my passport and drivers license onto all I do.

I'm getting into knots thinking about this and I'd appreciate other people helping me understand the implications of all the different decisions. To what extent is my female socialisation, my desire to protect my children and family, getting in the way of me doing good work?

Would I feel the same if I didn't use this surname purely because it felt easier to give in to my husbands strong feelings about the family having one name? I grew up with a double barrelled name and my parents each had their own and I hated that, so when he refused to pick a new name I agreed to just take his. But I don't identify with the name or with his family. And as I said, it's not a common name.

If I use a variation on my name, is that still hiding? My middle name? My mothers surname or my fathers?

Are the stakes different for those who work in certain jobs, or is that just a distraction or excuse?

What do we gain from real names vs pseudonyms? What do we lose?

I’m openly GC under my own name pretty much everywhere except here. But it’s a fairly common name and I don’t have kids.

Murphy has since clarified she wasn't talking about online. She has a point in that it's no good being a keyboard warrior only.

Go to meetings, do stickering, write to your mp, talk to your kids' schools. That's being brave. Getting into twitter spats with people like Kilgore sprout is just pointless

I'm certainly out in real life. My friends and family know exactly where I stand.

It's frankly as dangerous to reveal all your various online identities and how they are linked as it is to use the same username and password for every website you use.

There is absolutely nothing to gain from Jane Smith announcing "my internet names are AngryWoman365 and StickerBirdRules" and an impossible amount to lose by doing that.

It's like marching into a battlefield announcing body armour is for cowards. You'll get shot.

We can be very naive about strategy and tactics. TRAs are loving all these impassioned reveals and they will continue to revel in the increased opportunity for pointed lawsuits, police assisted harassment, doxing, fire-your-transphobic-employees campaigns, and general or specific threats.

None of which is to say don't out yourselves IF you feel that this makes you MORE effective and you are ready to withstand anything that comes your way.

But if you fall into the category of women for whom any targeted harassment will result in you STOPPING all activity, then it's completely counterproductive.

If Alan Turing had walked into his village pub and announced exactly who he was, what his war efforts were doing, and what he was trying to achieve, the war would have continued a great deal longer.

Be the most effective you can be.

As other posters above, I believe real life and online are very different animals and it's about effectiveness.

I am revealing GC opinions face to face and in letters to my MP and organisations. The internet, however, exposes you to an exponentially larger number of nasty individuals.

I’m a very small voice in all of this, mainly keep my GC views to this forum and the odd article about RM etc I might share on FB.

I joined a small FB group discussing GC issues and was doxxed on Twitter. There was a thread about it on here - there were quite a few of us whose names, locations and employers were all put on a list and shared for other TRAs to do with what they wanted.

That did the job it was intended to do - I left the group, changed my name/URL on FB and deleted any posts that might give TRAs any ammunition in real life (I was attending an exhibition for work which I’d mentioned and feared they might see the notice I’d posted about it and make a bomb hoax call or something).

DP was very cross with me for putting myself and my DCs in harms way for speaking out.

His view (he agrees with me on the GC/peak trans front) is that I should leave it to others who aren’t in a vulnerable position re work/young DCs etc and are more free to state controversial opinions without putting their job or kids at risk. I’m uncomfortable with that in many ways, but sadly I ended up agreeing with him .

I hate that they got their way, but it’s not just socialisation that makes us put our kids safety first, it’s knowing that these scorned TRAs are batshit.

I admire anyone who uses their real name without fear but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong not to.

And yes, I do have these conversations in real life - most importantly with my DCs, who have had it hammered into them that gender is a social construct and that you can’t change sex. They know they should be respectful but assertive in stating reality.

I’ve written to my MP and made a stand about “gender M/F/other” being used on official forms etc so I’m doing my bit, but I’m not needlessly putting my head above the parapet.

Good post Barracker

I think a lot of us fell into this without thinking it through.

I would maybe distill my comments to say that if you are going to speak out online in your real name, work out what is most important in your life and take steps to safeguard it.

I am unable to use my real name and state my views publicly because I have a trans relative who I don’t want to hurt. They often confide in me and I have to keep my opinions to myself.

I have, therefore, started a new Twitter account anonymously and have to support other, braver people in different ways. You can only do what is safe for you and your situation.

I am in the same position as BarbaraStrozzi professionally so I have to be fairly circumspect about what I can and can't write publicly under my name. I have quietly peak transed a few SM friends, mainly through sharing articles which focus on what's going on in women's sport these days, accompanied by a carefully worded comment that emphasises 'concerns about fairness'. I've attended a couple of GC meetings IRL. I do what I can to add my voice, if not always my name, while staying safe.

Thank you everyone.

Some really helpful posts, which has been useful in clarifying my options.

It is about protecting what is most important. Relationships for some of us, our jobs, our employability. And our reputations.

And about protecting our children. And I don't think it's just, or even mostly, concern about physical safety.

I think I want to be able to talk publicly but not necessarily have my children known as the 'kid whose mother writes those things'. There is a luxury in having the time to even think this through, as others have said they might have made different decisions if there had been space to do so.

Pen name it looks like it will be. Following in the footsteps of many millions of women before me.

Also - having reread my OP I'm interested in the fact that no-one has talked about the fact that my legal name, that I share with my children, isn't one I identify with. I thought maybe I'd be told to use a name that feels like my own.

Have been unwell which will at least give time to continue pondering.

I joined Twitter 5 years ago under my real name (surname and shortened first name that I've been known by since college) and only went anonymous when I started to get flack for posting GC stuff a year ago. As I'm long retired and my children have children of their own, I'm one of those who has felt able to shed her anonymity on Twitter in honour of Magdalen. However I'm using my full first name this time, which no-one under the age of 60 knows me by. It seems like a compromise which will work for me and I admit it's rather nice to see the name my parents gave me in use again.

It’s all very well for journalists like Meghan Murphy and Julie Bindel to exhort people to use their real names. As journalists, provoking debate is part of their job. Yes, it’s possible that expressing GC views might lose them some work, but it would probably gain just as much from elsewhere. It isn’t the same for the rest of us, and I don’t see Maya Forstater demanding that everyone use their real names.

^ what Doobigetta said.
Only the individual can make an informed choice about their own situation. Nobody is owed anyone else’s loss of safety, job, reputation, relationships, privacy.

It’s all very well for journalists like Meghan Murphy and Julie Bindel to exhort people to use their real names. As journalists, provoking debate is part of their job.

Yes, Doobigetta The irony in my situation was that I am really a nobody in the wider world. I'm still trying to work out how the student - whom I had never met, never talked to, never taught - was alerted to my tweets to the extent that they felt I should be sacked.

There's organised doxxing going on, and picking off people who aren't in the public eye is part of that.