"What's your preferred pronoun?"

[umbel]

I'm really annoyed! I packed my son off on an activity holiday this morning. He's very into 'girl' stuff [forgive the convenient shorthand - you know what I mean] and has sometimes says he wishes he was a girl, but we've fought hard to keep him away from trans ideology, encourage him to pursue what interests him, wear what he likes, love himself as he is and take no shit from people who give him stick for it. He's just called and during our conversation he tells me a staff member asked him what his preferred pronoun was. He's 10!!

He had no idea what the staff member meant, and when this person rephrased to, "Do you prefer us to use he or she?" he said, "Why didn't you just ask me if I'm a boy or a girl? Surely that would have been easier?"

I'm proud at his sensible reply, but this stuff is just coming onto his radar and the last thing he needs is people putting this daft shit into his head!

It's going to happen from now on unfortunately, just dobyour best to keep it all grounded in reality.

Sounds like you are doing a good job at fighting against gender stereotype bs. Hopefully that will continur to stand him in good stead and he will love and accept himself for who he is.

FFS OP that's nuts - will you follow up? I'm furious for you.

Does a 10 year old even know what a pronoun is?

I know they probably are meant to, but still

How delightfully woke of them...

They're petrified of getting sued.

Christ. I'd be complaining about that.

My pronouns are "Me, me, me"

Ridiculous would want to complain.

Me, Myself and I.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with him though!

Got an email from Stonewall last week with”preferred pronouns: she/her” after the sign-off.

I just wanted to say, ffs you can’t compel people to talk about you in a certain way, you self-obsessed wanker. But obviously I didn’t

Fantastic answer from your son.

It's strange that they would talk to him about this, maybe have a word with them if you or he is bothered but I'd probably just ignore it.

I have a 10 year old daughter and 9 year old nephew and they both know what a pronoun is from being taught at school so they would probably have just said she or he and thought no more of it and not mentioned it to us.

Complain

MonChat he knows what a pronoun is. That wasn't the question he was asked. He was singled out and asked what his preferred pronouns are. I haven't been able to ask him more about why, but it was significant enough for him to mention it on a brief call home.

I can only assume at this point that he was asked the question because the staff member assumed he was trans (and perhaps that he was unsupported in that). If they had really wanted to know whether he was male of female they could have checked the paperwork.

I'm unlikely to bring it up with him unless he mentions it first, but I will certainly question why someone thought it was an appropriate question to be asking him, at 10 years old, away from his parents.

I'm unlikely to bring it up with him unless he mentions it first, but I will certainly question why someone thought it was an appropriate question to be asking him, at 10 years old, away from his parents.

This way of thinking is enshrined in school resources from trans organisations. They encourage school staff to promise confidentiality to students and put the idea in staff members’ heads that families may not be supportive of a child’s “trans identity”.

So it doesn’t surprise me one bit that they asked him if they’re following advice like that.

You said he had no idea what the staff member meant. I've just asked my daughter what she'd say if someone asked her what her preferred pronoun is and she said 'she'. She is the same age as your son.

It's weird that they asked him though, especially if only he was asked. They were probably trying to help, maybe, but if he wasn't showing any signs of having an issue then their actions were unnecessary. It's obviously bothering you and more importantly it must have bothered him for him to mention it to you so I think you are justified in speaking to them about it.

Why “preferred pronoun”, though?

Surely a girl would be spoken about by others as she / her because she’s a girl? Nothing “preferred” about it?

So they singled your son out? And did it by asking him his preferred pronoun?

I'd be nettled on both counts.

My similarly aged son wouldn't have a clue what preferred pronouns meant because he goes to the kind of school not yet targeted for indoctrination by mermaids etc. Its a very specific phrase. But he is used to being asked if he's a girl because of how he looks and some of his interests. He's weary of it tbh. although he doesn't find it insulting as many of his friends are girls. He just doesn't understand why people care. Interestingly he himself used him/her interchangeably for other people until very recently. He uses the same nickname for both his parents too.

What would bother me about OPs scenario is the singling out. My son is already singled out by his peers but explains it to himself by them coming from more Conservative backgrounds. I do see it denting his confidence though. He no longer makes friends with random kids like he used to, I think he's tired of explaining himself.

The other concern is the influence young adults have over kids who want to be like them. So far no adult in my son's life has questioned his sex. If a cool person working at a holiday club did he wouldn't have a ready explanation for their ignorance. He'd think HE had the problem.

I understand asking about “preferred pronouns” is no longer the, well, preferred method of asking. It’s just pronouns now and you’re probably best not to even ask because preferred indicates it’s a choice and having to ask indicates transpeople don’t pass or somesuch so it’s transphobic. It’s a minefield out there any more.

My 10 yo dd is quite gender neutral I guess although we don’t label it as such (cropped hair with shaved sides, wears ‘boy’ shorts to school) but I wouldn’t be impressed if she was asked this! There is a trans kid at her school though (m-f) who has a female name and is referred to as she, so she probably wouldn’t be too fussed.
I would think that if people had preferred pronouns which were incongruent with their presented sex then this should be information offered when signing up for an activity, not a question directed to the child?

Why not ask which adjectives you prefer while you’re at it?

Mine are: intelligent, beautiful, popular and talented.

I think my preferred pronouns have become oh/for/fuck's/sake.