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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Men's expectations of women looking a certain way?

52 replies

Sabich · 18/07/2019 12:35

I've had this in the neck recently and severely dislike it - so you're supposed to dress up like a fragrant little flower and if not you're defective?

If I want to wear dresses and perfume and make-up and high heels and have my hair long I will, if I don't I don't. I actually got criticised for this recently.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sabich · 18/07/2019 12:37

It's not all men, I just find this attitude irritating when I encounter it. I like being scruffy sometimes

OP posts:

Deathraystare · 18/07/2019 12:48

TBH think most men don't care/notice. Women are miles more judgemental.

Original poster

Sabich · 18/07/2019 13:15

No, I've definitely had that happen recently with men. Maybe it was a control mechanism to put me in my place and conform to what they expected to show I'd made an effort for them but I'm not going to polish myself all over and put fake eyebrows/brows on

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AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2019 13:18

Who criticised you and in what context?

I don’t think I’ve experienced this and swing between polished/smart and just about clean and clothed.

Original poster

Sabich · 18/07/2019 15:16

Criticised for hair not growing quickly enough (medical reasons) and shoes. Not high enough, apparently. Not enough makeup. Not by a partner.

I'd agree as long as you present yourself as clean then it's no-one else's business.

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managedmis · 18/07/2019 15:19

Bit of a drip feed...

Who said it and in what context? Professional?

RosaWaiting · 18/07/2019 15:21

As long as it wasn’t at work? The correct response is fuck off and don’t speak to that person again.

I agree that men have these expectations, it’s “woman as ornament” for them.

Original poster

Sabich · 18/07/2019 15:40

Thanks @RosaWaiting, that's how it made me feel.

Not all men have that attitude, I was so grateful yesterday evening when I had a vomiting episode at a friend's and he didn't give a shit that I was puking up into a bucket he fetched with half of it getting over my hair and wasn't wearing make up. Just asked if I was ok and stomach had settled. I'm unfortunately having a common side affects of some medication (nausea/vomiting)

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AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2019 18:12

Who said it and why?

Ringdonna · 18/07/2019 18:33

Nah it is mostly other woman that judge.

Dervel · 18/07/2019 18:48

Just been moved to look into medical data as a result of this and I know it’s a bit of a tangent but apparently female surgeons have a slight but statistically significant advantage over Male when it comes to patient outcomes and in particular morbidity within 30 days of the surgery.

www.bmj.com/content/359/bmj.j4366

MIdgebabe · 18/07/2019 18:53

About 2 weeks ago a Male friend /college asked when I would be dying my hair.

Ok it’s got badger stripes. But why would I? It’s not like I ever wear make up or jewlry, my office wear is trouser, T-shirt, lace up shoes. My nod to feminity is long hair, because I can cut that myself and I hate hairdressers and the women tolerant barber has closed.

NonnyMouse1337 · 18/07/2019 18:58

Meh who gives a shit what men or other women think. If you are happy and comfortable with how you look and dress, that's all that matters.
Yes it's human nature to care about what other people think of us, but there should be limits otherwise it turns you into a people pleasing doormat.
I enjoy being casual and scruffy most days. My partner couldn't give a shit because he looks the same too. Occasionally I like to glam up a little and it's nice to impress.
You do you. And the people you need in your life are also the ones who are fine with you being you. :)

Dervel · 18/07/2019 18:58

Ffs meant to post that in another thread I’m such a dummy!

NonnyMouse1337 · 18/07/2019 19:01

About 2 weeks ago a Male friend /college asked when I would be dying my hair.
----
Wow that's some brass neck. I'd be pretty pissed off. Who the fuck thinks that's an ok question to ask... what a prick!

deydododatdodontdeydo · 18/07/2019 19:10

I've never in my life dressed like a fragrant little flower and the only crap I've got for it is from girls at school, my mum, school gate mums.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 18/07/2019 19:11

Oops, I lie. Just remembered a short-lived boyfriend over 25 years ago who wanted me to dress "sexier".

boatyardblues · 18/07/2019 19:14

It’s OK Dervel - its interesting. 😄

BjornAgain81 · 18/07/2019 19:47

Is this just a female thing?

Most women outside of feminist circles want a higher earning partner, but god forbid he not do his equal split of the housework/parenting alongside those long hours in the office (that would be oppressing his partner!).

The 'male ideal' beauty standard is much harder to achieve than the female one as one needs to be muscular as well as slim and attractive (which takes years to achieve without steroids as it's difficult to diet without losing muscle and vice versa).

I'm sure posters will deny it but I've never seen women talk about Peter Kay in the same way they do Tom Hardy or Jonny Wilkinson etc.

Original poster

Sabich · 18/07/2019 20:17

Actually I like 'huggy' men! Yes sometimes there is pressure of course on men too.

@NonnyMouse1337 same as you.

I got criticised for my shoes recently and felt annoyed, I was wearing nautical stripey flats rather than anything more visually attractive. Really got him kicked off on one about appearance, hence me starting this.

I should think about my own sexism, I was trying to reply to this when male friend texted and I nearly interrupted this to text back 'in a sec, poppet'. He's not my child

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BjornAgain81 · 18/07/2019 20:56

To be fair, there does seem to be much more focus in the media on what women wear etc, but I think this is also a bit of a crossover area where some of it is undoubtedly down to publications aimed at women - I was always shocked at the 'see Beyonce's huge zit!' type of articles in women's magazines my sister used to buy.

But I think when we look at film characters etc there is as much of a male ideal as a female one - usually muscular, slim, attractive, and of course, rich.

Eustasiavye · 18/07/2019 20:56

I think a good response is 'why don't you wear it?'
If they reply with ' because I'm a man.' Pointedly stare at their crotch and reply ' really?'
It's such a dick thing to say.

siring1 · 18/07/2019 21:00

IME women do this to other women far more than men do.

You could say that women have been raised in a male dominated world and have been socially conditioned to be this way

I do think though thay even though this may be true women need to stop being so judgmental toward each other.

Eustasiavye · 18/07/2019 22:54

I once had a random man, who was no oil painting, ask me why I want wearing heels, I was in a bar with friends and hadn't even spoken to him 😵
Wtaf.

Goosefoot · 18/07/2019 23:02

That sounds kind of unusual to me.

Most people expect others to look like whatever is socially normal, but that tends to cover a fair range. They might have opinions about what they find attractive, but don't usually expect other people to follow them.

Some people are a little odd about stuff though, they seem put out when someone doesn't do what they think of as normal and their normal is a fairly narrow range, and then they don't have the filters to tell them it's not polite to mention it. I figure they are people who have a hard time with social behaviour in general.

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