Please help 'D'F reading horrible books

[smartcarnotsosmartdriver]

Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind me posting this but I need some other views and clarity this evening.
My father gave me an old kindle that he was throwing out and I've just sat down with it this evening.
For context we have never been close and he had been separated from my (wonderful) mum for 20 years. He was awful to her, love bombing initially then abusive, initially not physically but when it escalated she told him to walk. We have a LC relationship that I would stop if I had the strength.
Rather than delete the books that were on there I thought I'd have a look through as some of them looked like things I'd like to read before I get rid. I stumbled across a book called "how to destroy a (wo)man now" I had to have a look, it's as awful as it looks, there's also another called "the myth of male power" which looks to be an update of a book written in 1993.
Is there a possibility this is not what it looks like? Am I reading too much into it?
I'm expecting his first grandchild, a little boy, (although he doesn't know it's a boy) I just have a gut feeling that I don't want this man having anything to do with how my boy turns out. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the long ramble, I feel lost, I knew he wasn't a great person but this is a new level.

You do know reading something doesn’t mean you believe in what it says don’t you.

Maybe this will give you the push you need to get him out of your life OP? I agree, he's the opposite of a role model for your son. And it doesn't sound as if he brings you any joy. Good luck in going NC, sounds as if your life will be all the sweeter for it.

I think he sounds vile.
If you are low contact he probably wouldn’t have that much influence on your son.
But what would it take to walk away? It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, you could let the relationship Quietly die out?

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Yes @Manclife1 I do know that, however coupled with past behaviour I kind of think he might?

@Oldstyle @Ohyesiam thanks, it's something I've thought about before but I'm scared as he's been awful in the past and stalked my mum for several months after they split. I only see him to keep the peace, my sister went NC years ago and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous but I'm scared.

Talk to him about it, if you won't find that too stressful. Phrase it openly. Perhaps they are just books shared with him by a strange friend. Unless he's interested in Gender Theory, I don't think having these books is a great sign to be honest. They're hardly classics, it's not like having The Art of War while being a pacifist. However - he does need an opportunity to explain. But you never know! Additionally, if they are views he subscribes to, it's worth noting you can't and probably shouldn't shelter your child from all opinions you disagree with. It's part of the world, and if he's low contact, is unlikely to result in indoctrination.

I think only you can decide what's best. you know your father, you know how he treated your mother. You know how he has treated you and any siblings you may have.

The books sound pretty awful but was he reading as a 'manual' or reading to understand his own past actions in order to learn from mistakes.

Go with your instincts and think about the impact he has on you;

How he makes you feel? Neg/pos feelings
Is your life better or worse when he's involved more?

If he is a negative influence on your life then you need to decide if you want that negative influence in your child's life. It is your job to protect your child even if that means protecting from your own family.

@sergeilavrov I think that's a good idea however I'll probably do it over the phone in case things escalate.
I would want my son to know about all kinds of people and beliefs, however I feel my father wouldn't be the best teacher. I feel family have more impact on what you believe than an opinion aired by a stranger if that makes any sense?

Maybe your sister (along with the need to protect your son) can help you find the strength to follow her lead? The fact that you are scared is so telling but she's shown that it's possible.

That you are 'scared' of going non contact then it is possibly the best thing to do.

It's not easy to do but if you are close to your sister and she has already done it she will hopefully be able to help and support you.

@Oldstyle @FormerMediocreMale I can just picture him turning up at my door screaming about how my mother did this and how all women are the same. These are things he's said before. But I really do need to do the right thing by my son. My DH's father is nice but lives a few hours away, my DH is a sweetheart and the furthest from my father so I know he'll have positive male influences in his life.

If your father uses such books as a lifestyle guide then be alarmed. However he may have just read them out of vague interest, we all read stuff at times which has little impact and usually forgotten fairly quickly.

Talk to your sister about this, she is in a better position to judge than any of us.

The Myth of Male Power is the MRA Bible, written by Warren Farrell.

If he turns up at your door shouting then call the police.

If you tell him you want no more contact and he continues to contact you then go to the police and a solicitor, (CAB if you can't afford a solicitor should be able to help you). You need 2 pieces of evidence - phone calls, sms, emails... to get a "non harassment order". Once the order is granted if he breaches again it's a criminal offence.

Hey smart If you are frightened by a man i5 tells you all you need to know about him

I personally wouldn’t keep,someone in my life I was frightened by

@FormerMediocreMale thank you, I didn't know that but it's good to know if that is the way it goes then I can get help.

Maybe speak to CAB find out as much as you can about protecting yourself and the help available in advance. You do not have to have people in your life that are harmful to you, mentally, emotionally or physically. In the UK parents have the final say over who has contact with their children generally and grandparents do not have automatic rights.

@FormerMediocreMale thanks again, I'll look into it, I'm in Scotland and know our legal situation can be different.

I've googled the books and they seem the kind of thing a man who has been dumped/screwed up his relationship and was looking for anyone to blame but himself might read. It's his behaviour in real life that would concern me more. You don't have to see him at all if you don't want to. If you think it would make things worse to stand up to him - well how often would he expect to see you? Would two visits a year kind of thing be enough?
The books are shite but if he was horrible to your mum they are hardly surprising. People can change but I'm not sure from anything you've said that you think he has?

My dad was abusive yet I always stayed in touch with him right up until I got pregnant. Then I made a conscious decision to cut all ties. I am not sure why I didn't do it years ago. A mixture of fear, loyalty and also I had a bit of a bravado thing where I liked to tell myself I wasn't affected by any of the things he had done (sometimes still did) to me and my family.

As my DD grows older I haven't once regretted it. It might be a bit easier for me as I have moved about an hour away from where he lives and he doesn't know my address. He tried calls, then texts when I didn't answer the phone (texts quickly turned from asking if I was pregnant to insulting and blaming my mum for everything under the sun.) I soon blocked his number and besides a friend request and a message in my spam folder on social media haven't heard a thing.

It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I wouldn't worry about what books your dad reads, just think about whether or not this is a person who you'd feel safe/comfortable with being around your child. With me I knew that I did not want that man anywhere near my baby and that was that.

You do know reading something doesn’t mean you believe in what it says don’t you

If you find Mein Kampf on Anders Breivik's bookshelf it's not the same as finding it on Antony Beevor's bookshelf.

Update, I've spoken to him, he thinks I'm overreacting but that he only lost custody of me and my sister purely because he was a man. Completely washed over his past behaviour. He's going to call back when he has more time.

You do know reading something doesn’t mean you believe in what it says don’t you.

In this case he does. He was abusive. Way to ignore the abuse. 👏🏻

NEVER leave him alone with your child.

That was advice to me about my father, similar to you OP, from an ex nun who was ace when it came to safeguarding.