New boy mum.there: any advise on how to raise them better?

[extrastrongnosugar]

I've gotten to thinking that us mums have some sort of blind spot when it comes to raising boys because surely no mum set out to raise a man that later on expects his partner to do most of the unpaid lifework and childcare - yet here we are. Also, something that gets passed on about sexual prowess and boundaries must be super off .
I'm a new mum to a beautiful baby boy after two girls and I'm starting to wonder how can I raise him for tomorrow.

I'm thinking teaching him to care, do what he can do for himself as a matter of pride, respect me and my boundaries and his sisters, be proud to help, only pursue relationships that are reciprocrative etc.

Older boy mums: what is your advise on this?

Thanks so much!

I just have 1 ds (4) but am trying to chip away the stereotypes for him.

Lots of little things.
He is allowed to cry if he is sad.
I’m working hard on expressing emotions and affection as my shins quite poor at it.
Ds has a toy kitchen and loves cooking and baking with me.
My dh does quite a lot around the house so I make sure ds knows that everyone in the house has to chip in

One that both shocked me and made me laugh recently was when I realised that instead of “co-pilot” he thought it was “girl-pilot” ( as in a man flew the plane and a girl sat beside him). That one took quite a bit of talking though

A big one at the moment is that I don’t have to be the pink power ranger just because I’m a girl. I can pick my own bloody colour

Our boy is almost six, we also have a girl who is four.
We tok equal parental leave, take equal sick days, split hospital and doctor, dentist appointments 50/50. Generally my job is just as important as my husbands. We split house work - cooking, cleaning, gardening etc 50/50.
The kids are treated the same, of course, but as the boy is older he has to do a bit more and be a bit kinder.

Rather than teach him to understand equality we are raising him to see it as the norm, because it should be just that.

Unless you raise your son with zero exposure to the media (incl TV, social media etc) and to society in general it is going to be difficult. All you can do is keep talking about it with him aswell as showing him equality in your family life.

Following

I've got a 2 Yr old boy

Dad and I both work PT and do equal share of nappies, also drop off etc for his older sister. Dad does more woodwork and I do more cooking but other chores broadly split

So far DS loves playing with the drill and trains and babies - they're his 3 go tos. He loves pretending to be a daddy and wiping baby's bum etc. I did wonder about asking 'are you being a mummy?' when he grabs one of his babies but somehow I felt it better to push the idea that daddies look after babies rather than give equality to him mimicking each of us. Interested in other views on this

Another big little one for me is : the default for everything except cute kittens is 'he'

You spot a spider in the garden - let's be careful not to squash him

You meet a dog in the street - ask the owner can I stroke him

Bad examples, it's early, but you get my point

I've reprogrammed myself to make a lot of these things female instead, shifting the view of the world as default - male. We cross the road to the green woman!

I think this helps dismantle the view that men are the important ones

I hope I will never use the phrase 'boys will be boys' about bad behaviour. A simple 'kids ' will do instead!

Keen to see others. I really don't want to raise an entitled arsehole. But my DP isn't one although his dad is, no idea what happened there so I've got hope

We have a similar set up to you OP although ten years on. I am always quick to reject stereotypes. At first there were lots of comments about 'Oh I expect he is so different to your girls' to be honest though I tell them personality wise he is in the middle of them. Academically he was quicker to read and the most into language of the three. He was the last to talk but once he could he didn't stop and didn't go through the whole babbling stage, straight to words and sentences. He describes himself as a feminist and is very against sexual stereotypes. He loves dancing, drama, writing and making cakes. The only area he still struggles with is the whole tidying thing. Having said that one of his sisters is just as bad so whereas he will have a big tantrum she will quietly slip away and will be found 15 minutes later daydreaming somewhere oblivious to the tasks set.

I do sometimes wonder if people think he is gay because he doesn't conform to social stereotypes, and he is very friendly with girls. Having two older sisters he is quite comfortable with 'girl stuff' and would prefer to play elaborate imagination games over football. I would say though that he is smooth with girls and of the three is probably the one most likely to make us early grandparents!! He was the only one who loved playing with (rather than torturing) dolls - maybe because he didn't have a real screaming, attention grabbing younger sibling in the house.

He does have a temper and a rage sometimes- only at home but we do adopt a zero tolerance approach and never put it down to boys will be boys which is still annoyingly prevalent.

I think though the main thing is giving them the opportunity to be the person they want to be whether that is a hairdresser or rugby player.

Similar to above posts I encourage him to express emotions and talk and about emotions. He wears pink and chooses what he wants to play with (always trains but that's what he likes).

Recently as a party another little boy said he had girls shoes as they were pink (they were a faded red) and I said that colours don't belong to one person they are for everyone. I felt quite sad about that.

He sees me and DH share household stuff as we both work, both drive, both do the shopping. Neither of us do DIY as we're both rubbish at that.

My DS is 3 and he's a sensitive, happy, funny, little boy. I say he is beautiful, kind, friendly etc and we say I love you a lot every day.

My boy is 12 so he is taught to do all things around the house so he doesn’t just cook his one speciality meal.

We talk about emotions , actions and behaviours. I challenge any stereotypical nonsense but do try and be open so we can discuss things.

I found my own Ds really doesn’t push to be independent so has to be prodded along the way.

As I Lp he knows I would like to think I can do it all and don’t rely on a man

"I think though the main thing is giving them the opportunity to be the person they want to be whether that is a hairdresser or rugby player."

Beautifully said TheBrockmans.

I have an 18 and 15 year old both different in interests and personality. As young children they had access to a toy kitchen, cash register (groceries came from the pantry), dress ups, lego, tools, baby doll with pram and accessories, tons of craft supplies and sports equipment.
Eldest now doing a trade (although hospitality was given serious consideration). Youngest thinking of uni for engineering, that may change, although has part time job at Maccas.
Kids will be who they are and gravitate to the toys/activities that interest them.

I disagree with older children/teens being kept away from TV/Social media. Obviously different for young children. I have found it quite helpful to point out examples of unacceptable behaviour. Seeing something can have an impact that words do not. I smile quietly to myself when I hear them comment about something being sexist or racist etc that they see. I also find a topical or controversial subject can bring about interesting conversations. Something I believe is important for them to feel confident to express their opinions, listen to others, and learn that it's ok to disagree.

A big one at the moment is that I don’t have to be the pink power ranger just because I’m a girl. I can pick my own bloody colour

This is a constant battle in our house too. DH and I try so hard to set positive examples- the domestic workload is split evenly, he appreciates that both of us have successful careers, encourage him to show emotions etc etc.... but the media and his peers definitely work against this.

Teenage boys here.
Have always, always called out stereotyping and made damm sure they know how male dominated the world we live in is such that I expect them not to just see it but to actively notice how much they benefit and call it out and address it.

There will be hundreds and hundreds of examples you notice and you call out every single one.

At home they see DH and I both work and give equal weight to our jobs, both take them to dentists, time off for sick days, attend parents eve etc.

They don’t come and always ask mum where things are, ask dad to change a lightbulb.
I Don’t allow letters to say Mrs (husbands name) surname.

It’s the minutiae as well as the big stuff.

I have three boys. Lots of good tips on the thread.

My eldest is 10 and yesterday we had a conversation about male violence in the context of the Mark Field incident.

I explained that for whatever reason men are more violent than women, and that is why I have a zero tolerance approach to aggression amongst my boys.

He really took on board that he and his brothers must learn to not grow up into violent behaviour. It was a really interesting conversation.

Lots of good tips here!

When my two - both boys - were little, and we were playing games with toys as characters, or role playing games, or even video games for littler ones, my DH made a conscious choice to pick the pink toy, or the "girly" profession or a female character. Dad saying "I'll be the nurse!" with enthusiasm can help, I think. We also did things like buy DH "girly" birthday cards - "Dad loves lavender. It's his favourite flower. Let's get that one."

Really like yours @Landcleg, I'll be nicking them!

Two preteen boys here. We've kept on being physically affectionate, so they're very huggy still, and encouraged them to talk about feelings.

Dh takes an equal share in running the house and childcare.

I talk feminist theory. They both know about the Bechdel test

Get them/dads to realise that it’s not just up to mums/women to change the world?

This is quite interesting isn’t it? I do similar things to everyone else on this thread really, as does my DH and our household split of house and childcare stuff is either even, or he does more. But, he himself was raised in a very traditional household with very traditional values, and he clearly emerged as the kind of man I’d like my son to grow up to be like. So. What gives there?

@WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0Ok so teaching our boy to name and express his emotions, big one!
And letting him run free in pretend play without limiting his options, I like that.

@isthistoonosy lucky you! Unfortunately for us life has pushed us into the male breadwinner female life support cliche...even more of a challenge in terms of role modelling.

@luzina so you are saying to keep providing an alternative narrative to how genders are constructed and roles assigned?
@Owlsintowels i love your suggestions of gender bending our environment and mixing up pronouns! And of course he's playing daddy not mummy!

I talk feminist theory. They both know about the Bechdel test

LOL! But that's another good one, isn't it? A few carefully placed adult conversations between Mum and Dad, but where the kids can hear them - so you're exposing them to feminist ideas but not in the form of a lecture or a lesson.

I have two adult sons.

Boys, like us all, are individuals with their own innate temperament and characteristics, preferences, likes and dislikes. How you deal and interact with him will largely be dependent on this.

Your son will model what he sees around him: the way you interact with him, and if present, how his father interacts with him. Also, your relationship with your partner will model relationships between men and women.

I'd say just be your natural self, and don't get too worked up about enforcing any particular ideology, or ideological practice.

Don't only teach about male and female stereotyping. There are a lot of other things we should be teaching our children about to avoid negative unconscious bias eg, racial stereotyping.

@ohholyjesus this is where the noone owns any color comes in handy. Must rembember

@DanaPhoenix important one, agree to disagree. I feel like men are usually told that nothing but total anihilation of their opponent can count as a win!
Just teaching our boys to take a step back and let things be would be amazing!

2 boys and a girl here - boys both teens. We regularly discuss gender stereotyping and the hypocrisy in society. I make it clear that even though I'm a single parent the fact that I'm a woman doesn't mean all the work falls to me. Just keep chipping away and live your words.

To add to my previous post:

I do virtually all of the cooking and always have done, but both of my sons are more than happy to cook for themselves and for others. In fact one of them is a naturally creative and experimental cook, in a way that I am not.

I have a 15 year old boy and we have had chats about incel, transgender impacts on women in sport and their safe places, feminazis (he had heard classmates talk about this presenting feminazis as main stream) violence against women (in fact he chose to do a presentation on this in school), women in different societies etc etc.

It doesn't seem forced when we have these discussions, as we have always had wide ranging chats about various subjects. Usually the stimulus for a chat is something he has read, heard or seen so the discussion is 'spontaneous'

So keep talking about relevant issues with your growing boy (obviously in an age appropriate way) as the opportunities present themselves

@yawninfinitum haha i do this with my girls: no, i have no idea where x is. Are you going to look for it? Mind. Blown.

@TheCuriousMonkey
Do you have more ideas about anti violence education? Im thinking that the whole topic of pride needs to be taught differently as in be proud of what you create not as something that can be easily offended.