Funeral for an abusive family member.

[SirVixofVixHall]

DH’s father has died. He was a horrible person, emotionally abusive, cruel, coercively controlling, and a sexual predator who preyed on young women and got sexual kicks from frightening them. That is the least of it, really, but a short summing up.
So now there will have to be a funeral. Made even harder by the fact that Dh’s mother and sister have minimised and excused Fils behaviour, in Mils’s case for many decades, and in sil’s case since Fil became more frail and incapacitated.
Has anyone been in this position ? Dh feels that there can’t be a eulogy, what on earth could be said that would be either lies or uncomfortable for the people present ? I think DH will talk to the minister, but is there anything else to think of ? Mil wants, as always, to sweep it all under the carpet, but there will be only a couple of very loyal friends of Fil there, anyone else there will come because of Mil, as he had alienated everyone else with his cruelty.

Leave it to mil & sil to sort & keep out of it. If you can’t face fall out over not going to funeral - sudden case if D&V for you both will suffice- quick text in morning- we are ill

This is one funeral I would not be attending.

It's possible to do a polite factual eulogy, many just talk about where they grew up, what they did for a living and and hobbies, then who they leave behind

People didn't used to do eulogies. It was just a bog standard service. If this was a film however, somebody would stand up and list all the deceased's faults. But it isn't, you have to carry on with life & family relationships. I'd grit my teeth and bear it. So long as I wasn't expected to speak: def a bridge too far. Leave it all to the others.

I would either persuade MIL to have no funeral, no eulogy, or I wouldn't go.

For your DH
Whatever he does is the right thing to do.

Does he want to go to the funeral ?
My DD is NC with her F, and there's no way she will attend his.
Inebriati is right

My father wasn't abusive, per se, but he was a 'bad man' and a terrible father and I was involved in the organising of his funeral.

My only advice is to step back and only organise the functional things that need to be done (if that's the right thing to do for the family, not out of duty to him, just if it makes sense to do so) - things like sandwiches, flowers, notices etc. but take zero involvement in any of the personal things (eulogies, photos, music).

I supported my sister (let's not get carried away and call her my DSis) in doing the more personal things as she had a better relationship with him than I did, but didn't put any of my emotions into them, he didn't deserve them.

I went to a funeral like this once. The minister simply said, "Everyone here will have their own memories of X so we will now take a moment to reflect"...and after about ten seconds of silence, she wrapped the whole thing up. I thought it was tactfully done. Having said that, I also agree with TheInebriati. Whatever your DH decides is right for him, is right for him.

I think DH would like no eulogy, but for Mil to choose music instead. I really don’t want to go ( he treated me truly appallingly ), but I want to look after DH. Younger dd isn’t coming, older , who is a teenager, is mulling over it, again because she wants to look after her Dad. He had no interest in them , and we made sure they were safe from him by never letting them be in the family home, (or anywhere he was) without us being with them.

I would stay away unless you can fully support the rest of the family in their grief. Whilst you have strong feelings around your fil, these are not shared by mil and other family and they should be entitled to grieve accordingly. A funeral is about paying respect and supporting those left behind.... Are you wise to attend?

I think the option of not going hasn’t occurred to him, or to me. He may want to go , to have an “ending” . Even “nice” childhood memories have been tainted by the reality of his personality and actions. He sat with him as he was dying, he is a kind person, but i think some whitewash would hurt him terribly.

Landlubber - actually he was loathed by the wider family, they all hated the way he treated Mil. She isn’t upset that he is gone really, I think it is a relief, (nor is Sil upset) but facing the enormity of his cruelty means facing how she shored that up for so long.

I can't believe anyone is saying you shouldn't attend the funeral. If your DH is going, you need to go and support him.

Its the MIL and families show and you just need to go as support - nothing else.

You know that no one has to actually give a eulogy. My fathers happened without one.

He was also unkind, neglectful and abusive to my mother. However at the funeral everyone held themselves and behaved appropriately and that meant a lot.

What about a direct to cremation funeral, it will save money and get rid of all these issues. They are very respectfully done. That way no one needs attend.

Could then get his ashes scattered somewhere and afterwards have meal with family and friends?

My cousin died a few years ago. Cousin and Uncles wife had abused husband/ father financially, physically and emotionally over a number of years.

Two of the remaining cousins in the family went nc. One went very low contact. When the low contact cousin decided to attend his brothers funeral, my sister and I went too. Neither has any love for dead cousin, but my aunt was perfectly capable of kicking off at his funeral. We went for various reasons. My sister because she is very close to the low contact cousin. I went to support my sister, and because it's family knowledge that aunt is v v wary of me, and I hoped this would keep her in check. It did.

One OF the two acquaintances from his local pub spoke about dead cousin for all of two minutes.

In some ways it was sad that dead cousin seemed to have no one to recall happier times. In other ways, well, you reap what you sow

OP, go along to support your DH. Hold your head up high and allow yourself to feel some satisfaction that this repulsive man is not around any longer to treat you or anyone else badly. Have a secret little smile ready for the moment the coffin disappears, knowing that his abusive behaviour will have secured him his own little spot in the place where flames burn brightly forevermore.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If you think not going or behaving a certain way will be detrimental to your family relationships, well that would inform my decision making if I were you. Hope you resolve it.

In some ways it was sad that dead cousin seemed to have no one to recall happier times. In other ways, well, you reap what you sow

My "D"F has requested no funeral. I think he knows he will reap what he has sown and there will be almost no one there, and nobody with anything nice to say.
I'm glad he's requested that and hope DM respects it.

I'm sorry to hear of this whole situation. to you and your DH.

Just wanted to suggest - if you don't know already - about looking into 'complex grief'. It sounds like your DH may be likely to experience that.

Scrimshaw I will go and look for something on that, I hadn’t heard of it, thank you.
I don’t think that not going would cause big ructions or anything. But I think DH wants to go, partly for closure, partly I think he wants to make sure his Mum is ok, she seems absolutely fine so far, but obviously funerals can be a minefield. He also wants to do the decent thing, if that makes sense.
He , his sister , and his Mum are supposed to be planning the funeral together, and it is hard to work out what to do that is neutral enough, but still satisfies his mother wanting a funeral.

Yes, that all makes perfect sense. I think it's probably going to be hard whatever happens, isn't it? At least it'll be over soon, then hopefully you can start to think about recovery.

Sending best wishes for getting through it.

Thank you. Yes it will be hard whatever I suppose. DH did care about his Dad of course. I can’t quite believe he has gone, I still feel afraid of him. Dh feels relief, and huge grief at the waste of Fil’s life, and his actions. What a mess some men leave in their wake.

If your dh wants to go to support his mother, of course you should all go. However you don't need to take an active role in planning or delivering a eulogy.

Similar situation for me and my DH. He didn’t go to his fathers funeral. His stepmother was even worse than the father so he had no sense of duty to her or her children. It really depends on what you and your DH feel is right for you. Whatever you do, don’t do it for anyone else. My own father is a terrible human being too, extremely violent. I will not be going to his funeral either. Everyone deals with these things differently, whatever your DH decides is completely valid