Funeral for an abusive family member.

[SirVixofVixHall]

DH’s father has died. He was a horrible person, emotionally abusive, cruel, coercively controlling, and a sexual predator who preyed on young women and got sexual kicks from frightening them. That is the least of it, really, but a short summing up.
So now there will have to be a funeral. Made even harder by the fact that Dh’s mother and sister have minimised and excused Fils behaviour, in Mils’s case for many decades, and in sil’s case since Fil became more frail and incapacitated.
Has anyone been in this position ? Dh feels that there can’t be a eulogy, what on earth could be said that would be either lies or uncomfortable for the people present ? I think DH will talk to the minister, but is there anything else to think of ? Mil wants, as always, to sweep it all under the carpet, but there will be only a couple of very loyal friends of Fil there, anyone else there will come because of Mil, as he had alienated everyone else with his cruelty.

Thank you Jessica. It is so much more complicated than losing a loving parent, which is hellish of course ( my Dad died a few years ago), but more straightforward. There aren’t all the layers of hurt and grief to unravel.

SirVix I have no good advice, just wanted to let you know that we'll be another couple in a similar situation when the time comes, in case that's any comfort.

I think that Jessica's advice, "Whatever you do, don’t do it for anyone else," makes so much sense. If it helps you and DH most to attend (rather stoically of course) that's ok. If it helps most to excuse yourselves, that's ok, too. You don't owe more to the people who enabled the deceased's abuse than you owe to yourselves.

Thank you Grinitch. This situation must be pretty common mustn’t it ? It is comforting to think that others have been through it and come out the other side. We always kept up contact so that DH and our dds could have a relationship with his Mum, but that has been problematic as she ignored Fil’s terrible behaviour and has refused to take on board the long term effects of it. Dh loves his Mum but she has let him down so badly.

A work colleague's abusive father died. It was expected, and his last months were in a nursing home.

He and his mother arranged for funeral directors to pick up the deceased and, after the completion of paperwork and official things, to take him directly to the crematorium.

No funeral. Friends were told that the family wanted to keep the whole thing private and that was that.

A funeral is meant to help those who are left behind, but in this case the family could not stomach any tributes or expressions of condolence. Those who were close to them knew exactly why.

Dh loves his Mum but she has let him down so badly.

Can identify with this myself. My DH also, his mother died when he was little and his father and stepmother really were terrible.

This is very random... I was watching a clip of a woman whose name now escapes me, she’s written a book about her experience living as a child in a survivalist family. She had a lot of abuse in her life from a brother. She is estranged from her parents and other family now. Anyway, she said something I find helpful. You can love someone and still know that you’re better off without them in your life. It can have a powerful impact to really take that message on, especially if you suffer with guilt or a sense of duty. Too often, victims of abusive or unhealthy behaviours are carrying the burden, or most of it.

Funerals are for those left behind, not those who are gone.

In your case, and if I had an input, I want factual about the deceased and then those left behind. I would go to support my dh.

I am grateful to everyone for posting. I know it must bring up painful issues for some people.