When is a compliment not a compliment

[tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz]

I was at the gym today doing weights. I'm working my strength up to one day achieving a pull up so was on the assisted pull up machine.

Our gym is council run and mixed sex. It has its usual share of grunting meat heads in the free weight section (whole gym is open plan) however everyone is polite, helpful and nice regardless. We all say a quick hello then crack on. It's definitely not social for me and I pretty much keep myself to myself.

There's one chap who goes on my day who is fairly tall and well built and stays in the free weight area which is close to my machine. I've described his appearance as I think that's one of the reasons his behaviour makes me uncomfortable - he's a big guy. A few weeks ago he approached me whilst I was resting, put his hand uninvited on my back and told me "looking good babe". Today he called over to me fairly loudly "your looking particularly fit, healthy and delicious today". God typing that makes me feel grim.

Both times I'm ashamed to say I didn't have the balls to ask him to keep his hands to himself and/or quit with the unwelcome comments. I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to draw any more attention to myself.

I don't know this man, never engage in any conversation with him. He does similar with other females however I can't tell by their reaction whether they're ok with this or doing an excellent job of disguising their repulsion.

I know it's just words and some would say a compliment but it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Also aware now how even to me, this may sound like an overreaction compared to the shit many of you have put up with.

Any advice?

Advice... Don't judge people on their appearance and call them meatheads

Fair play Cat, point taken.

Any other advice?

It's not a compliment. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he might well believe he's giving you a compliment. But that doesn't change the fact that it is unwanted attention that is somewhat sexual in nature and it's inappropriate. You could either choose to ask him to stop, or consider speaking with one of the gym instructors on the floor.

He sounds like a grunting meat head to me.

Speak to the staff, try to go at a different time.

Practice saying "hands off".

It is a frightening situation because you know he is escalating.

You are not over reacting. Trust your instinct.

I think you're right that he sees it like that. Agree speaking to a member of staff could be good we have male and female available . Thanks.

Catapultaway When did the OP describe him as a meathead?
I would perhaps speak to the gym staff as Blingloving suggested.

Speak this guy absolutely is one!
It's especially crap because I love training and I've always felt comfortable in this area of the gym so I will consider going later/earlier.

It's not a compliment. He is invading your space because he can. He is touching you because he can.

He gets away with it because of female socialisation, our requirement to minimise to avoid escalation, and because society tells us that a random male's opinion of us is something that we should be grateful for.

Can you wear headphones and ignore him? Also flash sympathetic looks to other females so they know they're not alone. If he escalates report him to management.

Trust your instinct one of the best pieces of advice for all women.

Men like this really creep me out. I really don’t like being touched by strangers, no matter how innocent their intentions. It’s really not on in this day and age. People need to keep their hands to themselves unless they know the person well and know they are ok with it. Could you politely just say to him that you appreciate he’s just being friendly but that you don’t feel comfortable being touched by people you don’t know? He really should respect that.

I'd say ''not looking for validation thank you'' and be polite, just.

Advice ... don't listen to people who's only instinct here is to defend the man 🙄

People's appearances do change things strangely enough - what might be sweet from a 90 year old lady is not from a massive hulking bloke.

Yes talk to the gym, and if you can, next time speak up. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

Please don't just change your habits just to avoid him, that's such a sad thought.

Headphones are worth a try but note he employed the standard sleazeball tactic of touching to ensure she has to react to being spoken to then used disgusting overfamiliarity the next time. Also he does this to lots of women in the gym.

Men just do not get how threatening this is do they?

Speak to a female member of staff OP, bypass your social conditioning to make excuses for sleazeballs insist that

A) he touched you inappropriately
B) he comments on your appearance
C) he is watching you
D) he is not taking the hint
E) you feel threatened and pushed out of the gym
F) you need help dealing with this every time you come in from now on, you can't deal with it alone safely.

I had this a few years ago at a local shop, one of the male staff was overly friendly, did not take the hint, graduated to grabbing me in a headlock and kissing me. I was with my dc! I was so stunned I just wrestled free and got away as fast as I could. Really shook me up. I blamed myself for saying hello as an automatic response to someone saying hi to me but actually being polite should never lead to sexual assault should it?

I didn't report it, go elsewhere to shop and don't go there much now.

I wish I was brave enough to do what I advise you to do OP.

Good luck and be careful.

Having said loudly "Get the fuck off me" to one such meat head I leave it to you to guess what his immediate reaction was.. go on, it's really obvious...

And yes, he did get banned from the gum. And told he was lucky I wasn't pressing charges.

Go on, have you guessed yet?

Maybe I am being too obvious, but my first thought was that he wants to ask you out.

Go on, have you guessed yet?

He said you must be a lesbian.

Possibly. He was leering, looming and leching... all the Ls. Really quite creepy and the touching... I was always mid workout, sweaty and in the zone and he would sneak up and just lay his arm over me...

On being soundly rejected he came out with what I think is the classic hurt male ego response.

curiousaboutsapphire I'm a bit scared to answer in case I dont give the obvious answer .

Did he try to attack you?

Family Of course that is what he said! There wasn't anything else possible, was there?

He miscalculated though. His comment was heard by quite a few people, some of whom complained before I got to the front desk. Most of them were men.

Tbf it was a wild guess because I thought men stopped saying that in 1974 🙄

minou

Sorry, didn't mean to be scary! But as a well boobed woman I have had that thrown at me many times by Wannabe Lotharios. Even now, as a rounder, less fit 50+ well boobed woman I get it occasinally, lean in, leer a bit, try to cop a feel and then point at the lesbian all shock horror!

Some men are just gross and quite transparent in their incel ways! Or at least I assume incel, can't imagine anyone accepting the invitation.

curiousaboutsapphire - I apologise if my comment comes across as laughing at the situation. I thought he maybe had tried to grab you even more in angry or slap you.

Unfortunately I have been in this situation when I told someone to stop touching me and he lifted his fist at me.

I would reply.
Pardon were you taking to me. In a sarcastic manner and walk to the go on something the other side of the gym. Then again sometimes men don't understand, the difference between sarcasm and flirting and he sounds the type of dick who would take it as flirting.

Oops typo sorry about the double 'the'.

Oh I've had that too, minou

Once, memorably, after I had just finished teaching a kickboxercise class. Lumpofman leered and grabbed at my arms, to squeeze my biceps, presumably. I shrugged him of with a "Don't touch me" and he raise one flat hand, as if to slap me. He recovered himself, but was seen by my whole class, men and women. I didn't ee him again and did wonder if he had embarrssed himself or if someone had had a word and he changed his exercse times to miss my classes.

I'm not the only female gym instructor to get it, especially if you step outside the dance based classes. Most memorable would be the Olympic weights instructor. We got our certs at the same time, that's how I met her, but she was dedicated to lifting and took on quite a few clients. One man hung around watching for weeks and once, whilst she was fully exteneed, weight overhead, offered her some technique advice. She handed him the barbel she was lifting