When is a compliment not a compliment

[tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz]

I was at the gym today doing weights. I'm working my strength up to one day achieving a pull up so was on the assisted pull up machine.

Our gym is council run and mixed sex. It has its usual share of grunting meat heads in the free weight section (whole gym is open plan) however everyone is polite, helpful and nice regardless. We all say a quick hello then crack on. It's definitely not social for me and I pretty much keep myself to myself.

There's one chap who goes on my day who is fairly tall and well built and stays in the free weight area which is close to my machine. I've described his appearance as I think that's one of the reasons his behaviour makes me uncomfortable - he's a big guy. A few weeks ago he approached me whilst I was resting, put his hand uninvited on my back and told me "looking good babe". Today he called over to me fairly loudly "your looking particularly fit, healthy and delicious today". God typing that makes me feel grim.

Both times I'm ashamed to say I didn't have the balls to ask him to keep his hands to himself and/or quit with the unwelcome comments. I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to draw any more attention to myself.

I don't know this man, never engage in any conversation with him. He does similar with other females however I can't tell by their reaction whether they're ok with this or doing an excellent job of disguising their repulsion.

I know it's just words and some would say a compliment but it makes me feel really uncomfortable. Also aware now how even to me, this may sound like an overreaction compared to the shit many of you have put up with.

Any advice?

Oops, x posted there. After I posted my first comment, I thought "oh no, maybe someone will think I'm laughing at the situation". But just seen your reply.

Why do some men think it's ok to get all derogatory when we have the nerve to tell them to fuck off?

@ladyratterley I didn't say she called him a meathead? I was pointing out that referring to the other men who are working out and minding there own business as such is rude. If someone referred to women's intelligence by reference to their looks and interests then they would rightly get called out on it.

Fair enough. I misread your post @catapultaway

Why do some men think it's ok to get all derogatory when we have the nerve to tell them to fuck off? No idea. But having worked behind a bar for years and then as an exercise instructor, I seem to have met a lot of them. Add being busty into the mix and I may have a skewed idea of how many of them there are. But every street has one, as does every meeting room, every shop, every office, in my experience. Even after I started lecturing I met them, both students and colleagues.

I love the gym and it’s fairly common for men and women to comment positively on each other’s bodies but, crucially, only when there is some kind of relationship there (friend, trainer etc).

Maybe he does think he’s being “nice” but he’s making you uncomfortable and I would suggest firmly saying “I’m just here to train, I like to be left alone when I’m working out.” If he continues tell the gym staff as chances are he’s doing it to other women.

(I’d actually say “I don’t give a fuck about your opinion” but I appreciate others find it harder to be that blunt)

Good luck with it, anyway.

He'll be fun to have in the mixed sex changing room then.

Could you politely just say to him that you appreciate he’s just being friendly but that you don’t feel comfortable being touched by people you don’t know?

No. He'll interpret that as an invitation to get to know her.

A polite "Piss off" might get the message across.

I think you need to tell him directly. But not rudely. That aggressive rather than assertive.
Say something like “ I know you think you’re being friendly but it’s actually making me uncomfortable. Could you stop.”

Ha! See someone said pretty much that. No sorry’s and as few words as possible.

Also all the best with that pull up. They’re tough but you’ll get there.

He touched you cringe
As a PP said, compliments in a gym can be reasonably common. After all, people are often there to improve their appearance.
But, he doesn't know you, and he touched you!

If he meant it as a compliment then there would be

1. No touching
2. No 'affectionate' term
3. No expectation of anything in return.

He seems to think he owns the space.

He touched her to test her boundaries. She did socially conditioned response so he is treating that as a green light to escalate.

The Gift of Fear is essential reading -
the-eye.eu/public/Books/Radical%20Feminist%20Literature/Gavin%20de%20Becker/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20%28123%29/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20-%20Gavin%20de%20Becker.pdf

Thanks everyone for taking time to post I really appreciate it and am equally depressed at how common it all is Apologies for taking ages to get back.

Speak the point about not being able to ignore touch ... that's so true and I've not thought of it like that before. I'm going to keep your list in mind when I speak to the gym to help me keep it factual and on track, thanks. Bloody he'll though, your experience in the shop that's unbelievable! And frightening how much some men feel so at ease acting like that publicly. What happens when no ones watching?!

Curious this guy also does the Ls too. Do you think the timing of when we're sweating and focused on training is deliberate too? Twats.

Delirium and Allhail I like the wording you've suggested and will keep that in mind!

Ancient . Actually maybe

I'm definitely going to take on board what you've said about addressing it head on if it happens again too, and saying something. I need to work myself up to it though. I really wish I could tell DH but his first reaction would be to go and give this guy a piece of his mind and it wouldn't be pretty or particularly helpful.
I'm going to have a chat with a female instructor when I'm in later this week though.

I've also been reflecting on my "meathead" comment. The men I'm referring to do the following: grunt and groan loudly when training, drop weights from a height when they're done and spit on their hands (yes really) to get grip rather than wearing gloves. It's only a handful of individuals but actually their behaviour is pretty anti social so in retrospect I think I will judge and call them meatheads

And yes, trust your instinct really is true.** Reading what some of you say about boundaries it's actually really fucking creepy.

But I shall conquer that pull up!

Thanks again all x

And for that link Speak.

Don't request for him to stop, by framing it as a question or asking please. That's putting yourself in a position of deference to his better nature. Frame it as a done deal, eg "Don't touch me, thank you". Polite, but keeps your status of command in the situation.

Id be tempted to wear the headphones then if he touches you it is likely you would be so startled that you may inadvertently lash out or shout WTF or something along those lines.

Practice your lines.

Don't touch me.

Don't comment on my appearance.

Practice them on repeat in your head a few times as you walk into the gym - that way they'll be easily reachable if you freeze in that situation again.

Urgh. Sleazeballbag.