Advice on raising a daughter

[FatherWantingAdvice]

First time posting on mumsnet and hoping I’m putting this in the right place.

My wife and I are expecting our first child, a daughter. As you’d imagine, I’m very excited (and nervous) and have been reading all the books and online articles about newborns and toddlers...however since we’ve found out we are expecting a girl I’ve found myself with a growing interest in equality and feminism (I realise I really should of always had this interest but selfishly, if I’m honest, I haven’t) and, through further reading, understanding how early some of the gender stereotypes and expectations can become ingrained in young girls (I originally thought, naively that it wouldn’t be until teenage years that real damage could be done).

Essentially I’m hoping for some advice, I’ve read a number of articles and watched some documentaries, however, as mumsnet is comprised of predominantly women Who will know far far more about this then I ever could... I wanted to ask for your advice, tips, pointers, loved experiences or anything else you deem relevant to help a father try and ensure his words and actions help raise a girl who feels empowered and able to be anything she wants to be, pursue anything she wants to pursue.

Apologies this has become a far longer post than intended. In summary, in a modern world striving for equality, what should a father, and man in general, be doing/saying etc?

Any advice welcomed

And my comment about my wife still not being over it? I included my wife's feeling too. What does that say about her? Stop being so one-eyed.

Erythronium, top thread on FWR right now;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3571868-first-period-advice

There's that word 'Advice' again. I guess Lettera just hasn't got to that one yet. 'Just buy her some tampons ffs and stop posting' is my first guess.

I said mostly, not exclusively analysis and news reporting Jurgen. So obviously advice features too. I don't know why you're being so argumentative. It seems pretty pointless.

Please don't ever tell her off for being bossy if you wouldn't use the same word for a little boy.

Echoing everyone who has basically said that what you show her will matter way more than what you say. Things that I see dads do which I love in this respect are:

1. Sharing the chores and the mental load equally (mental load as in seeing what general life admin needs doing and just doing it, inc a lot of shit that culturally gets lumped on women - we tend to take the flak if family birthday cards/presents aren't bought, kids forget stuff for school etc.)

1. Talking about feelings - kids and ours - a lot. Talking about patriarchy and how it forces roles on men and women that it is fine and advisable to reject.

1. Asking about opinions, goals, interests. Saying 'you are beautiful' regularly but also 'you are clever '; 'you are funny' ; 'you are perfect and never making negative comments about appearance.

1. Keeping in mind that he is the role model of the future partner they will have (if straight) and that the above is exactly how they would want their daughter to be treated: with respect, love and the support of an emotionally literate partner.

We have a son and my husband does all this - I think it's equally important for both sexes. I love that my son's role model is an emotionally literate, caring and loving man who contributes equally at home. If we have a daughter, I'll be glad of it too.

Thank you for posting here - parents are pressured into gendering their kids so young these days which I'm sure has contributed to the current ideas arou d 'feeling male/female' if you don't fit those narrow roles. Porn culture has forced toxic masculinity on boys, internalised self-hatred on girls and awful expectations of sex and relationships on both. Men breaking this down is a welcome thing. Conhratulations and good luck

@FatherWantingAdvice asking me to tell you what the mental load is is quite a good illustration of what the mental load is. You have access to the internet and google so could have just googled it yourself. But here’s a link www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-9

Things like when immunisation are due, what size nappies, what’s for dinner, how to wash clothes, etc etc, when enrolments are due, presents for birthday parties, packing for holidays, making sure clothes are clean for holidays and on and on.

Basically don’t expect your wife to tell you want needs doing.

I personally don't like young girls being referred to as princesses, wearing all girly defined clothes, all the time. Nothing wrong with moderation.
Buy her bricks and science stuff, encourage puzzles.
Don't treat her differently because she's a girl. I found this easy I must admit as had 2ds first.
Take her to all the places you'd take a boy, encourage her to be who she wants to be.

Find stuff out about women. The boys at my DD's school spend their time saying, "girls can't be spies/ninjas/inventors/astronauts" You should be able to say "what about Noor Inayat Khan/Tomoe Gozen/Stephanie Kwolek/Helen Sharman?" as easily as you can name men with those jobs. The fact that most people can't is because women's roles aren't valued. If you don't know, find out with her. I normally say, "of course there were female Viking warriors, let's go look". And by the way, why do boys from 5 years old tell the girls there aren't female spies/ninjas/inventors/astronauts? Interestingly, when there's a traditionally female role the famous in that field are almost always still men (Gordon Ramsey, Doctor Spock, Karl Lagerfeld). So boys know they can be astronauts or cooks but girls don't.

And try to refer to everything as men's and women's or nothing. So either the World Cup when the women are playing or the men, or the Women's World Cup and the Men's World Cup. Never the World Cup and the Women's World Cup. ''Men's" isn't default.

The best thing DH did was deal with sick. When your DD knows you will stay up with her when she's throwing up and you will clean up, comfort her and make the world OK again, she will remember that.

Ask for flexible work arrangements, and then talk about them at work--don't let it be under the radar.

And a piece of very personal advice: when she is tiny, pee before you leave work. We had a non-sleeper, so I was trapped all day with a cranky awake baby and couldn't do anything by myself, and it nearly broke my marriage that when my DH got in he would go straight to the loo for a wee by himself. If your wife is looking strained when you get in, take your daughter and try to get your wife to do something for herself, rather than around the house. Your daughter needs to grow up seeing her mum look after herself as well as everyone else.

OP I think you are gonna be a great Dad. You're questioning received wisdom re parenting roles and you're addressing gaps in your knowledge/attitudes.
Don't listen to negative posts. The fact that you're willing to think seriously and make the effort to be a good father to a daughter is what matters.
How many men actively think about their role as parent to a girl? Very few would be my guess. I think it's great that you're pondering your responsibilities.
Your daughter will be a unique individual as every child is. Be present. Be approachable.
Try to actively listen.
Show her that her mum and dad are a team, that you respect her mum....both of you are equally available to her and responsible for her.
Model the kind of man that you would be happy for her to be with when she grows up.
Congratulations on your impending fatherhood.

If your wife is looking strained when you get in, take your daughter and try to get your wife to do something for herself

DH used to say that he could tell what kind of day I'd had from the state of the kitchen. If it looked like a bomb had hit it, he would start clearing up immediately and take DD as well. Our marriage has fared better than a lot of my friends. For some reason...