Responsibility for contraception falling on the woman

[Motheroffeminists]

I've often wondered about this and another thread has brought the subject to mind again:

Why do many men (not all, before anyone jumps on me) leave the responsibility of contraception to the woman, declare they do not want any kids but refuse to wear a condom because "they don't like them" then cry entrapment or demand the woman has an abortion when contraception fails?

No contraceptive is 100% effective therefore if a man is adamant he doesn't want children then surely it's up to him to endure the chances of that happening are as minimal as possible by wearing a condom?

My ex when told that the pill wasn't suiting me and was causing me all sorts of problems such as high blood pressure, along with the suspicion that I was still ovulating due to egg white cervical mucous, decided that I should have a hysterectomy as he wouldn't get the snip. He had 2 children already and was well into his 40s and didn't want more. I had 2 children from my marriage and would have been quite happy to have another child.

It still amazes me that he thought I should have major surgery when I had no one to look after my children, rather than him pop to the GP in his lunch break like my friend did. I know the snip carries risks but they are not comparable to major surgery.

Why are women expected to take responsibility for contraception? Is it because we are the ones that get pregnant and would have to deal with all that that entails? If men were the ones to get pregnant would they take more responsibility as they can't just walk away?

My ex ended up with 2 children due to contraception failure. You'd think he'd have learnt after the first one to take responsibility and wear a condom!

Men are fertile everyday of the month, so really they should take MORE responsibility than women, not less!

That's a good point. I do think that if they were the ones to be pregnant, give birth, and raise a child alone then there would be better choices of contraception for men and they'd use them.

Exactly Betty! Women are fertile for what 2 days of the month? So around 6.5% of the time. Men can potentially impregnate a woman any one time he has sex. So 100% of the time. Yet it's seen as a woman's task. They want their cake and to eat it - sex that feels better but without the responsibility of preventing pregnancy.

And YY to so much "she trapped me". I'm amazed all these men who don't trust women a joy to take the pill have so much unprotected sex

*jot not joy

I brought up my sons to use condoms if they wanted to prevent pregnancy. Seems a no brainer to me.

However I can't use condoms. Something in my vaginal secretions shreds them. Luckily I had no trouble using first the pill and later an IUD.

Men don’t need PIV sex, they just want it, without a condom if they can get away with it. I seem to remember it was pointed out recently on a blog, this means that they put their 3 seconds of pleasure ahead of everything their partner has to go through with contraception, or childbirth, or termination. Makes them a bit selfish, when you look at it like that.

Of course if the responsibility fell to men they'd take more care. But it doesn't. I would never trust a man, say if the male pill were a thing. I would even be wary of a man I didn't know well telling me he had had the snip.

This is an article from 2012 but for those of us lucky enough to take free contraception for granted courtesy of the NHS I think it is a quite shocking example of how men in the USA totally expect women to take responsibility and pay the $$$ for it. I find it extraordinary that women in the USA put up with this, enabling male entitlement. I feel quite sure if contraception had been so difficult and expensive to acquire I would have either been celibate most of my adult life or turned lesbian.

magazine.good.is/articles/birth-control-costs-more-than-you-think-even-for-the-lucky-ones

Thing is though, that even though with perfect use condoms are 98% effective, typical use is about 85%. And they don’t protect against all STIs.

I agree though, managing fertility shouldn’t be left 100% to the female and I am horrified and angered by your ex OP.

I often wonder whether the idea of consequence free sex (wonderful though that utopia would be) is as misguided as the idea that you can be born in the wrong body.

Because the only way for a woman to be 100% assured of avoiding pregnancy in her fertile years is either not to have sex or be a lesbian.

Every single form of hormonal contraception or abortion has a physical effect on a woman’s body, as does pregnancy too of course.

If a man is absolutely determined he doesn’t want to procreate and yet still wants to have sex, then it’s beholden on him to take 100% responsibility.

When I was in my twenties, working for nonprofit domestic violence advocacy groups, not making a ton of money, and birth control was a significant dent in my paycheck, I complained about this to my boyfriend. He thought that the pill was a 'luxury' and that I shouldn't complain about it, or just stop taking it. I decided he was a luxury I couldn't afford."

One of the comments on the article I posted.

And imagine your employer having a say on whether you can access contraception (via the occupational health insurance scheme). Catholic employers routinely veto contraceptive services being part of the scheme they offer.

It genuinely confuses me. Recently an acquaintance was moaning about being in pain after she was sterilised. I wondered why her partner wasn’t the one being sterilised. She has given birth to their 2 children. Surely it was his turn for pain and discomfort rather than hers?!

Yeah, I have noticed this with a few male friends. Whinging that women they slept with got pregnant, whilst also saying that they refuse to wear condoms as you 'can't feel anything'. Deciding the evil women purposely got pregnant, tricked them into it, purposely didn't take their pill solely to claw child support from these poor hapless men When, regardless of if a woman is on contraception, you could still wear a condom too to be doubly 'safe' (obv only abstinence is 100% though)

Also something that seems to be a MRA phenomenom. They are almost always pro-life it seems, evil women killing babies for the fun of it. However, they also think that they should be able to force women to have abortions as they don't want to pay for the kids they produce? So basically, all they care about, as usual, is controlling women. Second parts sort of irrelevant to the thread, but also tied in in a way.

I remember my ex whining to me that he couldn’t use a condom, because one time he was about to have sex with an ex so he went to get a condom, and when he returned from his coat or whatever, she’d changed her mind. Man who was traumatised by a woman saying no to him refuses to use contraception. Oh if I’d been older than a naive 18 year old I would have told him to do one then and there. God forbid anything should come between a man’s dick and the pleasure he’s entitled to.

And woe betide the little slag who goes and gets herself pregnant. No wonder she’s raising the child alone, she shouldn’t have picked such a waster to get herself pregnant by. Should have been more careful shouldn’t she.

It’s telling that the so-called sexual revolution came about with the advent of female contraception. In the last 55 years we’ve had the pill, the coil, the implant, the injection, and for the men, condoms, which have been around much longer, but which men don’t feel they should have to bother with. Sexual revolution indeed, the freedom for men to pressurise more women into more sex more often, consequence free, because now women can take responsibility for their spunk.

It definitely is weird especially if a man doesn't want a baby. It is his choice to wear a condom or not but then absolutely the choice of the woman to refuse to have sex if he doesn't.

I also think though that if the woman definitely doesn't want to get pregnant then she also needs to use contraception, or if the man refuses to use condoms, she doesn't have sex with him.

I don't understand the " I'm pregnant because he refused to wear a condom" posts. Well know, surely it's because you agreed to have unprotected sex?

This woman’s twitter posts really made me think about this topic:

www.boredpanda.com/woman-anti-abortion-explains-unwanted-pregnancies-mens-fault-gabrielle-blair/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

I remember my ex whining to me that he couldn’t use a condom, because one time he was about to have sex with an ex so he went to get a condom, and when he returned from his coat or whatever, she’d changed her mind. Man who was traumatised by a woman saying no to him refuses to use contraception.

Ugh thats awful. Pathetic creature he is..

I found the reason they struggled with lack of sensation was a chronic case of death grip. Literal wankers.

@Motheroffeminists yep that’s a big part of it!!

When I was in casual relationships as far as I was concerned the responsibility was mine. I was the one whose life was going to be ruined by a baby too early or have to make the decision to have an abortion.

I am absolutely sure I would have had an abortion but my personal view on abortion is it is the lesser evil of 2 bad situations. I am not comfortable at all with the outright dismissal by some feminists that a life is being terminated and the need for an abortion is something I sought to avoid having to deal with. The lightning speed in which I got pregnant makes me think contraception must have been 100% successful as my not getting pregnant had nothing to do with ability to conceive.

Latterly in a committed relationship we used condoms, also with no failures.

I found the reason they struggled with lack of sensation was a chronic case of death grip. Literal wankers.
This makes a lot of sense to me. I think death grip is quite a widespread problem

OP I agree. I give short shrift to male friends/stbexh whinging about how they are scared of the snip and don't want to do it, years happy for their wives to get coils (v. Painful ime), have years of pill side effects or give birth/get stitched. Fucking wimps. It really annoys me.

I think every individual should be responsible for their own contraception and sexual health, though of course couples are free to come to an agreement to what suits them best.
I didn't want to become pregnant, so I went on the pill. I'd probably try the mirena coil today. I think I would be stressed to rely on condoms alone. I taught my sons to use condoms, unless they wanted to deal with the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy or an STD.

Even though I think the man should take responsibility for his fertility, at the end of the day it is us who's bodies are affected and we are the ones left with a baby or having to have an abortion. I don't want anyone else having the responsibility of me not becoming pregnant. It's too big a thing to entrust to anyone else IMO.

Obviously this differs if the man is willing to have a vasectomy, but I'm mainly talking about a casual sex/casual relationship sort of scenario

One statistic I find stunning from The Women's Atlas is that the no1 form of contraception globally is... female sterilisation.

Yes, despite the fact that male sterilisation is much easier, faster and less likely to result in complications, it's the women who have to go through hysterectomy or tubal ligation if they don't want to carry on having babies because men can't be arsed and want to be able to father babies, although they don't actually want to father babies, they just don't want to not be able to if it came to it.

I think the issue is that there are few options of birth control available to men. Apparently this is because of risk which all contraceptive methods carry. The risk to women is acceptable as the alternative is pregnancy which carries risk anyway, whereas there is no risk to men in terms of pregnancy so contraceptives are deemed too dangerous for men.

I was reading something about the future of contraception and this issue came up. Basically, male contraception has to be risk-free which is why it is so difficult to develop.