Responsibility for contraception falling on the woman

[Motheroffeminists]

I've often wondered about this and another thread has brought the subject to mind again:

Why do many men (not all, before anyone jumps on me) leave the responsibility of contraception to the woman, declare they do not want any kids but refuse to wear a condom because "they don't like them" then cry entrapment or demand the woman has an abortion when contraception fails?

No contraceptive is 100% effective therefore if a man is adamant he doesn't want children then surely it's up to him to endure the chances of that happening are as minimal as possible by wearing a condom?

My ex when told that the pill wasn't suiting me and was causing me all sorts of problems such as high blood pressure, along with the suspicion that I was still ovulating due to egg white cervical mucous, decided that I should have a hysterectomy as he wouldn't get the snip. He had 2 children already and was well into his 40s and didn't want more. I had 2 children from my marriage and would have been quite happy to have another child.

It still amazes me that he thought I should have major surgery when I had no one to look after my children, rather than him pop to the GP in his lunch break like my friend did. I know the snip carries risks but they are not comparable to major surgery.

Why are women expected to take responsibility for contraception? Is it because we are the ones that get pregnant and would have to deal with all that that entails? If men were the ones to get pregnant would they take more responsibility as they can't just walk away?

My ex ended up with 2 children due to contraception failure. You'd think he'd have learnt after the first one to take responsibility and wear a condom!

Echobelly I've been sterlised, and it was easier than having teeth removed at the dentists. I had the clips put on, it was keyhole surgery and I left a few hours later, didn't even need a paracetamol.
The beauty of a female sterilisation is that you can't become pregnant, from that moment on, no matter who you have sex with (barring failure rates), and tbh, I found that extremely liberating.

I saw a gel implant is testing well for men - like a removable/reversible vasectomy using gel that hardens in the vas deferens tube and can be removed.

Seems like the closest to a (reversible) reliable make contraceptive we've come.

I hope it becomes available. Though the "always blame women, she trapped me" contingent would still find some reason not to have it

(Plus it has no STD prevention).

*male

There are fewer options for men, but they’re easier options.

I think unless you’re in a serious relationship STI/contraceptive protection should be more of an individual responsibility, rather than relying on just one of you to be safe. Surely where possible it’s better to double up anyway?

For me, not a regular partner condoms for certain things, if they’re not into that they’re not getting anything beyong a snog and fumble. Regular partner no condoms (only if they’re also happy with that of course), but I don’t have the added worry of pregnancy, and I only have sex with someone once they are an established longterm partner.

Have times changed?
When I was last dating, which was early to late 90s, responsibility was all on the male.
Any men I met all had condoms in their wallets, neither me nor any of my friends did.
Only girls I knew on the pill were with long term boyfriends.
Men knew if they wanted sex, they had to provide the birth control.

I think unless you’re in a serious relationship STI/contraceptive protection should be more of an individual responsibility, rather than relying on just one of you to be safe. Surely where possible it’s better to double up anyway?

I agree. The post by deydododatdodontdeydo surprises me and to be honest it seems a rather irresponsible passive, attitude.

You don’t get a hysterectomy as a regular female sterilization procedure unless you actually have other issues with your uterus, like severe fibroids or something. Your uterus has an important role to play beyond carrying a pregnancy and they don’t remove it these days just for birth control.

I have had a bilateral salpingectomy (where they go in and remove tubes). I did have to go under GA, but the laprascopic surgery was less than an hour, I was home within two hours, and back to work two days later. No real recovery for me required at all or pain medication except an initial Tylenol. I was back on the elliptical two days later as well. Not saying everyone has it like that, and it was still under GA, but it really was not “major surgery” like a hysterectomy would be (I have had other major surgeries).

I am childfree. Why did I have surgery instead of my husband? Because I found it tremendously liberating to know no matter what I would never get pregnant; that I would not have to worry about hormonal BC, or the issues I had with my copper IUD, or his vasectomy failing (as they do time to time). It felt empowering for me to do it, to say this is my body, and it will not bear children ever.

I personally always felt birth control was an individual responsibility because there is also a concern about STIs - as in me and my partner need to take steps. Using two methods where appropriate (like condoms and an IUD), or only one where discussed and agreed. There were times when I had to be off the IUD/pill my me and long term partners had to use condoms only, but we talked about it first thoroughly and I would usually combine it still with a rhythm method.

I would always use condoms with partners until/if we were in a monogamous relationship, had done STI testing, and had talked about what I would do if there was an accidental pregnancy (and made sure on same page). Maybe it is growing up with the AIDS/HIV crisis such a part of my early childhood and teens, but I can’t imagine risking not using condoms until then. Men I dated always also supplied the condoms - though I kept some handy as well. Maybe it was just the odds I got but I honestly never dated or even had a fling with a man who outright refused to wear condoms.

feelingverylazytoday

Yes, relying on condoms alone when I had to (as for various reasons I could not be on pill or IUD etc at the time) was always very nerve wracking for me. It was stressful and greatly interfered with my ability to enjoy myself as I was so stressed about pregnancy. The one time I ever got pregnant was due to a condom failure (not known until well, I was pregnant) and while I had an abortion then and would have done again, I would rather not have to. With “normal” use they still have a lower effective rate than I was comfortable with (85%).

The only type of birth control I use is condoms. Never used any hormonal pills or implants. I don't feel comfortable interfering with my body in that way, but I support women having access to such methods if they wish.
I have used condoms with every single partner, even in long term relationships. No condom, no sex. I've only had one guy moan about it, but I didn't bother seeing him again.

I have no qualms with telling men that they should take full responsibility for their sexual health and contraception if they do not want to have children. I support research into more forms of contraceptives for men other than just condoms or vasectomy.

Unfortunately, women will always bear the most risk from an accidental pregnancy. It's part of reality that we stand to lose the most and be left holding the baby. Therefore, it's still important for women to be in charge of their reproductive capability. I would not feel comfortable just relying on a guy to take a pill etc.

Condoms feel like the best compromise to me. They help in STI prevention in addition to pregnancy and neither person has to medically or surgically alter their body in any way.

I've recently had my Mirena removed and started using natural cycles method to track my fertility. DH and I have been together for 12 years and I've always had Mirenas so he's never had to consider contraception at all.
Now I tell him when I'm fertile and then he either has to use a condom or we do other stuff. He can't orgasm with a condom so he's not too happy about it. I think every month he gets closer and closer to being ready for a vasectomy.

I agree. The post by deydododatdodontdeydo surprises me and to be honest it seems a rather irresponsible passive, attitude.

I don't think it's irresponsible, because we weren't having unprotected sex.
It was just a case of, the man had to provide it, and if he didn't well, no sex (at least not PIV).
Some friends were probably on the pill too, but would still use condoms until a partner was steady.
AIDS terrified people back then, so I don't remember any boys wanting to go without condoms either.

I really think it is up to each partner to protect themselves against pregnancy and STIs.

I don't think anyone should rely on someone else to do it for them.