How to talk to DD about transgender cousin?

[Natsku]

After not seeing her dad's family for years, and not her cousins since she was a baby, we re-connected with them at her dad's funeral and I found out that the youngest of ex-SIL's grown children is now a transman. I didn't talk to DD (8yrs) about it at the time because obviously there were bigger things on our minds then but we're planning on getting together with ex-SIL and DD's cousins and I don't know how to explain to DD. I don't want to say anything that she might then repeat that will upset anyone but I also want to be honest with her.

Hi STEPH
I've seen on Twitter that you are monitoring this thread.
I really hope that you read all the responses here, not just the ones that fit your agenda

funky what business is it, of a child, what sexuality family members are?

Absolutepowercorrupts no chance of that. Hayden has already spun the thread as something it isn't. Unsurprisingly Hayden has been careful not to quote from the thread, as that would undermine Hayden's false narrative.

Funky you misquoted me, what I said was ....My half brother is gay but I didn’t want to make any kind of big deal about it to my kids, so only when DD asked, is anyone in our family gay, did I tell her. It’s just not what defines him, he is such a top bloke we all love him and frankly his sexuality is none of our business.

Don't try and twist words-it just reflects badly on you.

happy I can’t see how your explanation changes things hugely. He’s such a top bloke that we don’t want to define him by his sexuality? But that’s part of him. The whole point about inclusivity is normalising different types of relationships so that they can see that there is no difference between being gay and straight. Straight is assumed to be the default, the norm, doesn’t need to be mentioned. To be honest, that is why gay people have to come out and straight people don’t- because the default is straight. And when someone says ‘oh you’re such a great person, your sexuality is not what defines you’ when that person’s sexuality is assumed, celebrates, normalised etc then it sort of feels like someone is suggesting that maybe it’s not quite equal to heterosexuality.

Also for kids, having role models is important. I know from my own experience that I had no female gay role models and often it was hushed up and they were described as ‘friends’ or something. It led to huge internalised shame which I still feel. What if your kids wonder why you waited until they asked to tell them?

Hayden didn't even link the thread. It's almost as if the reality of the thread doesn't fit the claims being made.

Funkyfunkybeat12
I'll qualify, since the narcissistic comment was mine.
I don't think gender dysphoria is linked to narcissism.
Many women feel dysphoria about either their female bodies, or the gender roles society expects them to perform.
So a woman who dresses and presents in a masculine way (for want of a better term) isn't a narcissist.
But if that woman expects others to pretend that this constitutes 'living as a man' or expects male pronouns, or validation of manhood then that's narcissistic.

I'm not critiquing anyone's feelings. I'm critiquing the expectation that other people validate a delusion, especially children.

I knew STEPH wouldn't but I thought I would say hello

I would just say x has a female body but wants to be a man. So they use a male name and make themselves look like a man and want people to refer to them as a man.

I see it the other way round funky. If we went round making a big deal of announcing that Uncle George is gay, that seems othering to me. Kids don't have baggage around being gay, if it came up in passing "Uncle George has a new boyfriend" they'd be about as interested as if it was a girlfriend. They know you can marry a boy or a girl. They were vaguely interested when they discovered a friend has two mums - "oh, that's funny, she'll have to make two cards on mothers' day" - but it really is a non issue which is how it should be.

thirdfiddle I can only speak from my own experience. If someone avoided mentioning another person's sexuality to me as a child until I actually asked them about it, I would assume it was because the person felt there was something wrong with it. And that's certainly how I felt growing up. And the whole 'they know they can marry girls or boys' is quite recent but even though the law has changed, that has not removed homophobia, whether explicit or implicit.

OP it sounds like you are a caring and loving mum, who wants to be sensitive and supportive both to your daughter and her cousin. You will all be fine

Tbh I think this type of question is better off elsewhere on this site (not FWR). I have always found warm support there (or a good bollocking - on AIBU!).

@funkyfunky announcing someone’s sexuality is fucking weird and not normalising or accepting at all. It’s like walking into a party with your friend who happens to be gay and saying ‘hey everyone, this is my friend bob. He’s my friends and he’s gay!’

presumably the DD knows that she has a female cousin

Does she? OP said there was no contact since her daughter was a baby.

After not seeing her dad's family for years, and not her cousins since she was a baby, we re-connected with them at her dad's funeral and I found out that the youngest of ex-SIL's grown children is now a transman

Given that trans men usually pass well I'm not sure I see the need to say anything more than "this is Cousin John"

LassOfFyvie

I'm so glad you have said that, it's exactly what I was thinking.

FFS Hayden, too afraid to quote the post or link to the thread as it will show this is the opposite of what you are saying it is?

DD does occasionally look at her baby photos which show her and her cousin but she has a memory like a goldfish so who knows whether she remembers or not. But I don't think ex-inlaws are trying to wipe out the history or anything so it might come up anyway, ex-SIL was talking to me on the phone about getting together and saying hopefully A, who used to be E of course, will come. The cousin is absolutely lovely and I doubt they are a narcissist, also don't think on meds (no facial hair or deepened voice), just presenting as male and possibly a binder.

GregoryPecking no it isn’t ‘fucking weird’ at all. The reason why gay people have to come out and why you might have to say to kids ‘oh uncle Bob is gay by the way’ in casual conversation is that straight is the default. There is no need to announce your straightness to everyone because it is presumed until told otherwise. I am not talking about making a spectacle or anything but just to normalise it. It makes a difference. Saying nothing implies that it’s wrong in some way. As does stuff like ‘oh she’s so lovely we just don’t think her sexuality is relevant so didn’t want to mention it’.

Advise your child that people can't change sex and some parents are homophobic.

I think it's really off that (these days) we have to explain to young children what homophobia is often before they are even aware of homosexuality.

I think as you've already said, the religious explanation is a very good model to follow - I have an 8 year old too, and whilst we're not religious, he goes to a church school, so we've had various conversations about being polite, and what other people believe, and what I believe, and that he can have a think and figure out what he believes.

Keeping the conversation open, being firm about reality, but being polite about it. ie. the universal rule of "don't be a jerk" with the addendum of "ignore people who are jerks" seems to be working for us, and I think is best here.

Keep a close eye though if they start hanging out - binders are absolutely awful for a girl's health, and you need to make sure your daughter doesn't have her head turned by a cool older relative.

We live quite far apart so won't be seeing each often very often

I've just read Hayden and Harrop's comments on Twitter about this thread and came over to see what they were talking about (the safeguarding issues, the hateful transphobia) and can see that they're making it all up, as usual. I can't see anything transphobic here.

Well it was rather telling when there weren't even any screenshots

I have never announced anyone's sexuality to my children. It's just 'your uncle john and uncle bob' and 'uncle peter and auntie angela'

Same orchid. Nor have any of the people I know in same sex relationships "come out" as such, they just introduced their partners in the normal way.

Apologies for continuing the side track, I really will stop now.