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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Why are women shamed for taking the morning after pill?

58 replies

Sophestry · 03/04/2019 15:07

I guess there is an underlying assumption that, if you're taking emergency contraception, you didn't use contraception, but in reality no contraceptive is 100% effective and, if you don't want another child, it is often the right choice for you at the time.

Young mothers, married ladies, people in long term relationships and pretty much anyone with a uterus who has sex may seek emergency contraception at some time in their life. Some experiences are really straight forward and easy but, especially outside of the cities, it can be really horrible.

This has turned into a bit of a rant, but I'm curious to find out what your thoughts are RE morning after pill shaming and if you think there is still a stigma attached to emergency contraception.

Inspired by this: www.mymorningafter.co.uk/mymorningafterstories

OP posts:
FFSFFSFFS · 03/04/2019 15:33

Yep. I've been shamed by a fuckwit middle aged male pharmacist.

It's because women should be ashamed about anything to do with them having sex. I think it really is that simple.

To balance it out - I didn't get it from him but then went to another pharmacy where a delightful middle aged male pharmacist happily sold it to me and made me feel much better about my drunken contraceptive lapse and consoled me that "we're all human".

Lymphy · 03/04/2019 19:54

It's because women should be ashamed about anything to do with them having sex. I think it really is that simple.

I think you’re bang on. I dish emergency contraception out every day in my job, I think another factor is that there still is a misconception about what it actually does. I regularly have women and sadly/scarily other HCP’s refer to it as “ the abortion pil” ( not that anyone should ever feel ashamed to access termination of a pregnancy) but I do think this plays a part.

IME experiences Almost Every woman who needs emergency contraception always starts by saying “ I’m really sorry but I need ....” as if they are at fault and have been naughty.

Almost every woman I refer for termination starts the convoversation “ I feel awful and you’ll think I’m a horrible person but...”

It makes me really quite sad.

PlumPorter · 03/04/2019 20:21

I've taken it a few times. I always use contraception but, just sometimes, I want extra reassurance!

I've never been shamed for it but did get a bit of a raised eyebrow and a look when I rather more proud of myself for having had sex than I think they were expecting me to be when answering the questions.

I'd just come out of a 12 year sexless marriage - I honestly never thought it would happen again! Grin

I refuse to be shamed for being a sexually active adult and I bury down any embarrassment or discomfort I feel. I am not apologising to anyone for taking care of myself, my body and my family.

PlumPorter · 03/04/2019 20:34

Oh, and the nature of emergency contraception implies that you are

a) negligent in not having already sorted out contraception.

b) reckless in not using your contraception accurately/carefully/properly

c) 'wanton' and unable to control your sexual urges and, as we all know, women who can't control their sexual urges are a threat to society...

sandi2019 · 03/04/2019 20:53

Had to take it once in my wilder days. It was a really positive experience for me. The pharmacist was non-judgemental and professional....ensured I had some privacy for a chat about things.....he asked if anyone was forcing me to take it, if I needed support and what not. Also gave me the number for our family planning unit so I could get some perm contraception sorted (was in the next day for an IUD).

Thought it was a bit weird to have to take the tablet in front of the pharmacist....but I understand why.
Interested in what the previous poster said....the first thing I said to the NHS helpline was, "I'm sooooo sorry and embarassed....!! But it's out of hours and I need emergency contraception!!"
Also felt some guilt because it was free.....I didn't have to pay.....I insisted.....but the NHS covered the cost.....which I was uncomfortable with xx

FermatsTheorem · 03/04/2019 20:57

God I remember this from my student days.

Condom broke. Took the MAP. Was (not surprisingly) puking my guts up, and the cleaner in my hall of residence said did I want her to get the college nurse? I said no, it's fine, don't worry, I know what's causing it, it'll pass in a few hours. She went and got the nurse anyway, who then gave 19 year old me this really humiliating bollocking - all because I was doing the responsible thing taking remedial steps after my planned contraception failed.

It's fucking shite. And even fucking shiter (if that's a word) that that these medieval attitudes still hold sway over 30 years later.

Samind · 03/04/2019 21:01

I've had to take it before and was taken into the private booth to chat and she left to get it. All was well until I heard the chemist talking loudly to her colleague in the place debating which one to give me. In a packed area. Having said that, there was no judgement in the booth. Just the mortification of leaving the booth to collect the prescription at the desk.

confusedfornow · 03/04/2019 21:08

It's called "responsability".

You cannot get pregnant accidentially. You have to have sex first, and you can't do that by accident.

If you're a fully functioning adult, and capable of taking responsibility for your actions, then abortion wouldn't be a reality. You would simply accept that no form of contraception is 100% effective, and that every time you have sex, you risk getting pregnant. If you're not mature enough to take on the responsibility of raising a child, then you're not mature enough to be having sex in the first place.

The stigma is related to the morality of the situation. That the woman lacked the responsibility to accept the consequences of her actions.

FermatsTheorem · 03/04/2019 21:12

Well for starters I think it's called "responsibility". And that's exactly what women choosing to use the MAP are exercising when they realise their existing contraception has failed and want a back up. And what they're using if that fails, they find they're pregnant and don't feel it's an appropriate time in their lives to choose to become a mother, so have an abortion.

Lots of adult decision making and taking responsibility for ensuring that the actions they take lead to the consequences they deem to be right for their lives.

Taking responsibility for one's actions and taking steps to avoid detrimental consequences is a good thing, not a thing to shame people for.

AssassinatedBeauty · 03/04/2019 21:15

"It's called "responsability"."

Oh my goodness. It's literally not. You mean "responsibility", to begin with.

And women who take the MAP are exactly being responsible. The MAP is not an abortion. And if you think that a woman is always responsible for having sex, then you must think that rape is not a possibility.

It's not about morality. It's about leaping at the chance to berate women for their supposed failings. It is simple misogyny. Men are never told to be responsible or to refrain from sex, ever.

Paddy1234 · 03/04/2019 21:21

Have taken it a few times - my lovely near retirement gentleman doctor has always been fantastic and just congratulated me on being responsible to be honest.

confusedfornow · 03/04/2019 22:02

Assassinated

Men can't get pregnant, so they don't have to take the same level of responsibility as the woman does.

AssassinatedBeauty · 03/04/2019 22:06

Why on earth not? They need to be responsible for where they carelessly leave their sperm, and for not taking any precautions to ensure that sperm doesn't cause a pregnancy.

FermatsTheorem · 03/04/2019 22:07

confused did you mean to be such a raging misogynist? You honestly think men don't bear the same level of responsibility for pregnancy as women? What planet are you on? Do you know nothing about human reproduction?

Babies don't magically appear through a process of parthenogenesis you know.

LittleChristmasMouse · 03/04/2019 22:10

What concerns me more is women not being told that this only works at certain points in the cycle. I think many women think that it's not a big issue if they don't use contraception because they can just take the MAP but it won't necessarily be effective.

FermatsTheorem · 03/04/2019 22:13

Yes, the MAP is only effective if taken before fertilisation. Contrary to the propaganda put out by the religious right, it suppresses ovulation rather than preventing implantation, so if you've already ovulated, you may well get pregnant. If you think you have already ovulated, you should get a coil fitted (that will prevent implantation, IIRC).

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 03/04/2019 22:24

I didn’t read the link cos I’m knackered and need to get to bed but your op struck a chord because I’ve got the map twice in the last ten years and felt like the process was shit tbh. In my case I ordered and paid online from Lloyd’s both times and felt like it was too many questions and too bloody invasive and awkward. Both times were from a Friday night onwards so seeing a gp wasn’t an option, luckily I can afford to pay. I don’t even know what the process is otherwise, is it free? Is it from a gp? A pharmacist? I’m a 47 year old happily married woman who can’t take the pill anymore and who doesn’t want to use barrier methods with her husband. I/we have done nothing wrong, morally or legally, so why can’t I buy this off the shelf? Yes, I felt like there were hoops to jump through. Yes, I thought others might have given up in the face of them. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

JessicaWakefieldSVH · 03/04/2019 22:28

To answer your question, yes I think there is a stigma ( as we see on this thread! ) and it is completely unreasonable and unfair for women. We really can’t win whatever we do.

Lymphy · 03/04/2019 22:30

It’s free from contraception services, GP’s and some pharmacists. Others charge, on a weekend if it’s needed and no service is available 111 will issue an appointment for issue ( or they should)
There are a few questions yes, it’s just to work out your cycle length and ovulation date to ensure the right emergency contraception is issued. But yes they are quite personal in nature but they are clinically relevant

formerbabe · 03/04/2019 22:34

If you're not mature enough to take on the responsibility of raising a child, then you're not mature enough to be having sex in the first place

Oh ffs.

FranklinTheCat · 03/04/2019 23:05

@confusedfornow, in relation to this statement:

You cannot get pregnant accidentially. You have to have sex first, and you can't do that by accident.

What a wonderfully simple world you live in. Have you heard of something called rape? It doesn't happen "by accident" but it is entirely possible for a woman who did not intend to have sex, and who did not consent to sex, to have sex and become pregnant as a result.

XXcstatic · 04/04/2019 00:38

You cannot get pregnant accidentially. You have to have sex first, and you can't do that by accident

1/3 of pregnancies are unplanned. There's an awful lot of 'irresponsibility' out there but, mysteriously, we mainly choose to shame single women for it.

confusedfornow · 04/04/2019 08:20

XXc

If you have sex, you're planning to get pregnant. There is no such thing as an unplanned pregnancy, of you have sex and you get pregnant, you planned it.

In real life, as opposed to the happy clappy rainbow world of make believe you see fit to fly through on your winged unicorn of delusion, actions have consequences.

trendingorange · 04/04/2019 09:00

I've only taken it once, I refused to feel shame but I made my respectable looking boyfriend go with me I'm not sure what we can do about people judging women for taking the pill, I'm sure these are the same people who would judge you if you had hundreds of kids so what can you do?

formerbabe · 04/04/2019 10:05

If you have sex, you're planning to get pregnant

Confused. Critical thinking not one of your strong points I take it?

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