Twice I have 'put a man in hospital' by standing up to him

[bechdel]

The thread on Anthony Watson try to put the Economist finance editor in her place has made me think about this.

The first time I 'put a man in hospital' (as the narrative goes, when I get blamed for it latterly) was a man in his early 60s who was responsible for me being abused as a child.

He told me to back down and shut up about it. I told him I wouldn't. He promptly had a stroke.

Second time was a man (also in his 60s) who was bullying me at work over a protected characteristic. I let the evidence mount up then got legal representation and told him I was suing him.

He ended up in hospital that night.

My fault. All my fault apparently, for opening my uppity mouth instead of caving under the narcissistic rage created by not doing as I'm told.

I'm sad for both of them that they got ill. But I refuse to accept either of these incidents as my fault. Which is forever how they will see them.

I put someone in jail. He wasn't happy. Neither were his wife or family. 100% his fault. If he hadn't done a bad thing I wouldn't have been able to put him in jail.

Not my fault.

Not your fault bechdel.

totally a witch

Im pretty sure accusations of witchcraft have mostly been used to silence 'uppity' women.

Not your fault. Totally their own.

I suggest a new poster campaign. All these bollox things aimed as warnings to women about their behaviour, how about one aimed at men?

"Men! Be Aware that abusive, sexist behaviour and bullying can lead to serious consequences, including job loss, prosecution, or even hospitalization.

Make sensible choices, or you may pay the price!!!"

#BlameYourselvesManbabies

You cannot give someone a stroke by disagreeing with them, you just cannot. That is not a thing.

I assume your mother feels guilt about what happened to you and would prefer not to confront that so would rather you be left with what happened to you even though you are the innocent one.

Work board can bore off. Twats.

It's the same as when women are pressurised to take back rape allegations as the poor blokes life will be ruined - and it's all her fault.
Of course it's not!

This thread has lifted my spirits, thank you.

Manbabies

The other thing I learned from all of this is when you are telling the truth and don't have a web of lies to defend they can't actually get you anymore.

It's like someone hurting themselves by driving into a lamppost, and then blaming the lamppost for not moving.

Your mother?
A mother should have to be physically restrained from turning an abuser into confetti, rather than blaming a child.
Long may your reign continue, bechdel.

My father is in his 70s and has multiple health issues including heart failure. His father died of a heart attack in his 60s. Despite this my father is massively overweight, eats an appalling diet high in sugar and fat (and is now diabetic and still hasn’t changed his eating habits).

Ever since I can remember I have been told not to argue or disagree with him because it’ll bring on a heart attack and kill him. Both my parents collude in this story.

It took me a long time to realise that I was not responsible for his health problems and that not doing everything he wanted wouldn’t kill him.

I now have very little contact with my family.

When I submitted a formal grievance against my bully boss, with pages of records and evidence, she went off sick for 2 weeks that very afternoon when it’s been brought to her attention. My mother felt sorry for her and told me I should have just let it go.

The unbelievable level of bullying and harassment cost me my mental health and I never regretted speaking up and never will, no matter what everyone says.

Not your fault OP!

KennDodd
Shame it wasnt prison you put them in.

I totally wasn't thinking that it should have been 6ft under...

I put a man in hospital by discovering his sexual abuse of a vulnerable person and insisting it was properly investigated. He lost his job and his reputation and harmed himself in a fairly drastic way. I have no regrets whatsoever.

It is not the responsibility of women to protect abusive men from the consequences of their own actions.

Thank you all

Oh yes AncientLights, I'm totally a witch

In the very best sense.

FYI according to
www.sheffield.ac.uk/hr/equality/focus/2.5491/protected
sex is a protected characteristic ie male & female according to the human rights etc

Is there room on your broom for a terf like me?

mumwon, thanks. It wasn't a protected characteristic to do with sex or gender reassignment it was another one (won't disclose here, bit outing).

redexpat, sure, I'll budge up

On a more serious note, I think the thing that both men found confusing is that they tried to mollify me and also pulled the usual spreading rumours that I must be mad etc etc.

But I think the thing that shocked them both is that I wouldn't just 'be nice' and acquiesce (bit like the post upthread where the mother expected harassment to be dropped in the name of being nice).

It was like kryptonite to them - having not achieved anything with there-thering me and calling me mad they pulled out the big guns and expected me to be shut up in the name of being nice and the fact that I wouldn't seemed to be what tipped them both over the edge.

I was polite, firm, assertive but not 'nice' enough to drop things. That left them nowehere to go.

And I take no glee in either of them being ill. None whatsoever.

But I'll look after me and they can look after them.

I have read many a thread on Mumsnet where the OP was being bullied by e.g. their mother or MIL, and it was often pointed out to them by other MNers that now they had stood up to their manipulative relative, that relative was likely to up the ante by having a health crisis. It was a known ploy (known to many MNers who had been in similar situations) of abusers to get the abused back under their thumb.

Presumably your first abuser 's stroke was confirmed? You still didn't cause it even if it was, fear of being held to account might have been involved but its tenuous. (Your mother's an arsehole, by the way.) Your second abuser "ended up in hospital that night" - oh, I do wonder.

Regardless, YOU, OP, put nobody in hospital.

And well done for standing your ground.

Good point whereyoleftit. The first one was confirmed illness.

The second I fear classic DARVO.

They put themselves in hospital.

Were possibly faking for sympathy and to try to get off the hook too (ah I see the second one was).

I'm not sad for them!

Well apparently it’s all my fault that my ex has become an alcoholic, despite him always being a problem drinker. It’s because I left him that he needed to consume 180 units of alcohol per week, and that he lost his job because of it, and that he ignored the symptoms of his existing eye condition and lost the sight in one eye, and that he’s now got serosis of the liver and neuropathy and can’t walk very well. That’s all my fault that is. He’s moved in a new (slave) partner, kept our house which me and DS had to flee because of his escalating abusive behaviour and aggression, and he’s got all the stuff we accrued throughout our marriage, but it’s not enough and it’s all my fault.

I must be one super badass witch of a woman to cause all that shit.

I must admit to being bemused by people thinking it is not “normal” to standup for themselves where men are concerned. I was brought up to defend myself and stand up to anyone man woman young old who had done/said something unacceptable to me. Am I lucky to have been bought up in a family where self confidence was encouraged. I have spoken to my siblings/cousins about this and we all agree that we were raised to be confident in any situation with any person.