How to feel more powerful as a woman?

[Notadonkey]

International Women's Day has got me thinking a lot about my role as a woman.

I feel I'm letting the side down and I'm hoping I just need to alter my perception of things.

I don't feel powerful.

I used to have a career, I then had children and began to work part-time. I was denied promotions, lost my office space to a full-timer because I became part-time and had to rotate around the building, carrying huge piles of work around with me. I then had time off with my child who kept getting sick and saw my value at work deteriorate.

I got a new job on less hours, but one that is more flexible around family life, I feel much more valued, but I earn significantly less.

It's very very important to me to be around for the children before they start school but my career has been the cost of this, along with my financial independence.

I feel as though my husband sees me as the family servant. He only seems to contribute mentally and emotionally when asked and relies heavily on instructions. His career has improved whilst mine has suffered.

I'm over-weight and tired.

I plan to return to my career fully when the kids go to school, but for how I feel put-on, exhausted, used, neglected and taken for granted.

I used to be bold and strong.

How do I alter my perception of me and my role to feel stronger and more powerful? Please don't suggest I return to work full-time before the children go to school. I want to spend as much time with them whilst I can.

Read some Vanessa Olorenshaw. She advocates for the rights of mothers to political and economic power.

Here's her blog: politicsofmothering.wordpress.com/

Here's her book: www.amazon.co.uk/Liberating-Motherhood-Birthing-Purplestockings-Movement/dp/1910559199?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Here's lovely Claire Shrugged writing about her: sisteroutrider.wordpress.com/tag/vanessa-olorenshaw/

I don't think this is anything to do with work, you just have a bad husband.

I feel a bit like that, and I definitely don't have a bad husband. I have not fulfilled my potential. I'm not ambitious in terms of ladder-climbing, and never was, but my part time job is well below my abilities and makes me feel lesser.

I do have a bad husband but I rely on him for the timebeing for the children and in terms of finances.

Is there a way to feel better about myself?

Have you tried doing an online course? Open university has a range of free courses that you can pick up whenever you have time. Or a hobby?

I know you feel a bit pants at the moment, but think about it: you grew and gave birth to your children, you are juggling lots of demands, and you’re still here.

I think a shift in perspective will help with some of this.

So work, instead of focusing on being part time, or having lost you previous position, focus on the value of your current role, take pride in it and do it to the best of your ability. Value your own position, and take pride in it. Could you be doing better career wise? Maybe, but you will do, but later, at a time that suits you. That’s under your control.

Overweight? Well fine, your body has just done something amazing, it grew actual human beings. It looks different as a result. If you want to fix it and lose weight, well fine, you can chose to do that. If you don’t want to do that right now, that’s also fine. Accept that you body has changed and learn to appreciate it for what it has done.

The husband bit is a little trickier, as it sounds like he is being a dick, and that is probably undermining your confidence in all the other areas. So start standing up for yourself, carve out some me time, and start asking him to step up at home too. His time and work are no more important than yours.

Realising that this whole situation is within your control is going to help. Things slide after we have children, without us noticing, but now you have noticed, you can make conscious choices to get things back to where you want.

Is there a way to feel better about myself?

This is a really small thing, and might not make any difference to you, but I did find that it helped me to feel more powerful and, therefore, more able to challenge things.

Own Your Space.

It's a really simple thing but we quite often 'make way' for men - physically, mentally and emotionally.

Owning your space means not automatically making yourself smaller; or moving; or suppressing yourself for a man. If a man tries to guide you out of his way with a hand to your shoulder/waist - don't move. If a man walks straight towards you on the pavement, don't automatically be the one to step out of the way - force it to a 50/50 side step.

Don't allow your needs to be compromised. E.g. if you want a shower/to go to the shop or whatever, don't allow it to become negotiable based on 'his' needs. I realised that my exh would just declare or announce what he was going to do (and he still does) whereas I always 'checked' it was ok first. I didn't ask permission, but I checked it wasn't going to inconvenience him and then rearranged it if it was. I wouldn't do that anymore.

It's all those little things that are reaffirming that you matter.

And then you'll have time to focus on the bigger stuff.

I know that's a bit long and waffly - hope it makes sense!

I hear you.
I’m currently a SAHM having previously supported my husband for years. It’s my choice but some days it feels very hard. Society devalues traditional women’s labour and that especially is true for domestic drudgery and child rearing.

What I realised is that I got into the habit of asking when I didn’t need to. I say DH and told him. So I am starting this hobby, so you will need to be at home for the kids and I am starting this course.

I didn’t ask for permission. Actually my husband was really supportive. I imagined his response would be less supportive than it was.

Maybe write a list of what would be good for you, be that a course, a hobby, time with friends etc and just go inform your DH.

I wouldn't do that anymore

Or at least, I wouldn't do it automatically. Obviously, the ideal is that you compromise for each other and meet each other's needs. But, where a man is neither willing nor capable of doing that, stand your ground.

I have a friend. She was quite overweight and in a bad marriage to a man that didn't respect her. She had very low self esteem. When they split, she took up running, just couch to 5k. Not long ago, she ran her first marathon, and now she is a total running addict (as are all the runners I know!) She looks amazing, feels amazing and has a confidence that's just been incredible to witness. It doesn't have to be running, but starting one thing for you, that's just yours might help spark something's in you, like it did my friend. Like you say, you can work on your career when you go back to it, you just need something to get you over this rough patch.

Value your own values - at this stage, caring over ambition. Don’t judge yourself against a default male breadwinner standard.

Ask yourself what do I want, what do I need, and once the dc’s needs are met, spend more time doing what you want to do.

And make damn sure any career advantage your dh has gained through your role filters through to shared benefit, including pension gains.

Own Your Space.

Well said Plum Porter. You have to appreciate your self first and the role you are performing. Also take time for yourself when you need it - obviously when family life permits.

It's difficult; very difficult - & certainly being financially dependent. But as long as he is not using money as a form of control or to undermine you - then simply allow yourself to fully occupy, and value, your role, and your space.

Lovely post PlumPorter. That, exactly.

Unfortunately we are kind of programmed to measure our success in capitalist and male terms. So career and financial success trumps everything.

I am in a similar place but don't have kids. I struggle with work because I have a (hidden) disability so at the moment I don't. I feel the judgement of others because I appear able. I do feel like an accessory to DH at times. The good thing is that he looks after himself and me too when I'm not well, we still share jobs at home, so I don't feel like a house slave! I do a lot at home obviously because I'd be bored otherwise and we have significant animal care for the zoo to do which is my "job" really. I guess the way to look at it is to find the value in what you do do. And try to overcome the programming we get about what is valuable in a life.

I always always find myself defering, moving over and asking permission and all that crap. It frustrates me. It's not coming from DH, I think he would prefer it if I just told him what I was doing instead of discussing. But it's so ingrained! To please. To enable. And to devalue ourselves. And I think that's the crux of the problem.

What ever space we don’t inhabit in our daily lives or in society in general, men will of course expand to fill. Take the space

Unfortunately we are kind of programmed to measure our success in capitalist and male terms. So career and financial success trumps everything.

If your husband is treating you like the family servant, no matter how much 'me space/time/career/success' you have, you are going to feel pretty shit all day every day. Until you leave and then properly have your own space and time and sort your career out when it suits you.

I understand the feeling. I also second reading Liberating Motherhood. I found it very empowering.

Go for a run. Take St John's wort. get 8 hours sleep.

Yes to taking the space.

Also yes to sleep.

Remember being bold and strong. Take time to recall past victories and how it felt to be you. It is still in you. Fake it til you make it works with that. Pretend you are still that old you and behave how she would have behaved (you are still her, it'll come back easy).

You know you have a bad husband. I guess that means you know you'll be splitting up as soon as you can organise your life around it.

Stop thinking of yourself as a neglected, downtrodden wifey. Start thinking of yourself as a strong single parent getting her life in order ready to live her new life.

I fully understand.

I encourage you to attach more value to your role as a mother and homemaker. These are important roles and should be valued far more than they are, it starts with you. Your sense of self worth is wrapped up in work, which is understandable in our society, but you should really feel proud of your other contributions and roles. They are important.

If you don’t feel good about your weight, and if and only if you want to do something to feel better about that, then I would find something you enjoy doing that will help with that and carve out some time for yourself, to work on yourself. I find exercise really important for my mental health more than anything. When I can’t do it due to illness, it has a tremendous affect on my mind and that spills over into other areas. Walking, jogging, cycling or swimming... yoga at home... anything like that. I love my walks and I also like doing fitness blender workouts in my living room.

Stop thinking of yourself as a neglected, downtrodden wifey. Start thinking of yourself as a strong single parent getting her life in order ready to live her new life.

I felt this needed bolding

Amazing.

Thanks so much!

I feel much better having read these responses. I love the comment about men filling empty space. This is so true.
I will begin to take the space and claim it as my own.
Starting tonight.

I have a house, a job and a pension. I am content. That is a start. But I am invisible, so although I feel valuable as a person I feel I have no value as a woman.

I feel totally powerful as a woman. I have worked my way into having a career, a home and a social life. I have never married and need will. I realised when very young that the waiting fir a man was bollix. Growing up in a council estate in the 70s I saw women being treated as slaved, worn down constantly by badly paid wages and men and countless children to look after. I swore then I would never be answerable to men and I haven't.