Ftm detransitioner - ask me anything

[Dyl101]

Hello. The recent clash of feminists v the radical trans lobby has been shocking and troubling. As someone who once identified as a trans man, spent years in therapy, changed my whole identity and appearance, I once would have been 100% behind self ID and the changes to the GDPR. However, I have since renounced much of my previous opinions and have gone so far the other way I am often described as a "terf" online. This is for simply holding rational views that being a woman is not a feeling but a biological reality for most and must be protected as a sex class.

Also as a detransitioner, I found some of the rhetoric I found myself believing very sexist and contrary to anything I had previously thought, that gender was a social construct. In addition, the stuff online (youtube/forums) makes transition seem like a wonderful, freeing way to truly be yourself, and I worry about what impact this narrative will have on impressionable young people.

Anyway, feel free to ask me anything.

WeRiseUp That is very difficult. All I know is at the time it was very real, and I was completely convinced in was true, that I was a man, it was all I thought about everyday, and it caused me a lot of distress, I lost a relationship over it and changed my entire appearance etc. BUT, I still had these thoughts in the back of my mind, that I couldn't quite reconcile, my feminist beliefs about gender. How anyone should be anything they want, there is no male and female brain. I knew deep down a lot of what I was thinking was sexist, that men and women think and behave a certain way.

I guess listening to great feminist speakers break down the lack of logic in gender theory helped me, but when it comes to children, I guess it's much harder, but certainly gender theory breaks down pretty quickly when discussed openly. What does it mean to be a man? what does it mean to be a women? There a no profound answers I have every heard that don't rely on regressive sex stereotypes.

Hi Dyl101 I don't have any questions that haven't been asked already, just wanted to say that I admire your courage to 180° from a big decision like you did as opposed to falling for sunken cost fallacy and carrying on in a direction that you weren't happy with. I hope you're well and have rl support

Thank you for your very detailed response. I hope you get the help to deal with your PTSD and mental health issues. It's a tough world out there.

RepealTheGRA Again it is very difficult, because in the middle it is all consuming, and again, just because I am able to live my life without transitioning, many people cannot. At the time I wanted people to confirm my identity, but I'm so glad now I wasn't rushed in to anything. I do think breaking down gender stereotypes and roles is important, I have often asked what gender identity means on forums etc without relying on roles/stereotypes etc, and no one has ever been able to tell me. Just vague post about it being an internal feeling.

I do think generally people who are doing it for the wrong reasons are unhappy, and there are often other underlying reasons for this, maybe support them through those issues, and take the focus away from their gender. Don't dismiss it, but don't obsess over it, encourage them in other area's of their lives, their hobbies/passions etc.

Smartieshavetheanswer I am in my late 20s. And yes, I think for me it played a huge role, because it presented such a positive image of transition, especially youtube (not that it can't be positive) However, I have noticed an increasing number of detransitioner videos over the last few months, especially F2Ms.

If a teenager was asking where to go for help with gender confusion, where would you suggest they go for support to understand their feelings rather then trans indoctrination?

Dyl101 thanks for this :)

Please can I ask, what other websites specifically do you think influenced you to transition, besides YouTube?

I'm going to hazard a guess at tumblr? (As it comes up so often).

Were there any particular groups or individuals you found particularly compelling?

Hi Dyl101, welcome to Mumsnet!

I was wondering, do you think anyone at all is born 'trans'? Or is it something that happens because of life experiences?

I know a young man who has decided he's trans, and is rushing into medical treatment. He's an anxious person who said he felt wrong about his body from childhood. He'd been in therapy for a while when I got to know him, and he hadn't originally gone to the therapist because of his gender feelings. I know he spends a lot of time online 'shitposting' about 'cis' people. Is it likely he's been drawn in by activists rather than genuine trans? (I know this is impossible to answer definitively, just wanted your opinion!)

WeRiseUp Just to add to what I said, I think when you want to transition, you are obsessed with gender. So I would suggest taking the focus away, not refusing to acknowledge it, which will cause resentment, but who else they are as a person, other than their gender identity, their hobbies, likes, interests. What has made them unhappy/happy etc. I felt really lost and thought I had found myself, but I hadn't, now I focus on my writing, and who I am as a person, not who I am as a man/woman

Thank you for sharing your experiences

AtrociousCircumstance I didn't have friends, but I knew trans people in support groups etc, but I no longer see them at all, partly because I wanted a clean break from the entire mindset, and partly because now I know they would find my views deeply offensive :(

Thank you so very much for this thread

GerryblewuptheER Not when I decided to detransition, because I kept it and my life in general very private, but when I post my views on forums/feminist groups about women's rights, sex based protections, and the GRA etc, I get abuse despite my history I am called a bigot, a terf and a transphobe. I even got called cis the other week lol!

OP, no questions, but thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm so glad you found some relief from your gender dysphoria and that you were brave enough to change your mind about this major decision. Wishing you every happiness in your life

I think it will be detransitioners like yourself who really crack this open for young people who are taught to see this issue in such a polarised way. It's brave to speak out and it means a lot.

Thanks very much for answering Dyl101 I realise it’s an incredibly difficult one but it is very interesting to have your insight.

That's interesting Dyl101 it really is an identity crisis isn't it? People going through it need reminding of who they are, what they like, are good at. Its important for anyone who is at a low ebb.

Thank.you for answering

Thanks for posting, this is all interesting to read about and I hope you find recovery and equilibrium in your life now.

When you were first expressing feelings of being trans, did anyone ask anything like 'Are you sure transitioning is the answer to your problems? Might it be the manifestation of something else?' and if so, how did you respond? Or if they didn't, how did you think you'd have responded to it?

truthisarevolutionaryact There are no easy answers, all I can really say is what I have said in a couple of previous replies, this is just my personal perspective, but take the focus away from gender identity. Gender is a restrictive, backwards social construct, not something to be identified with. Genuine gender dysphoria, whereby surgery and full transition is required in order for the person to find peace is right for a small number of people, but I don't think that it what is happening now, especially to a lot of young girls/lesbians. The focus should be on who we are as people, what we want to achieve with our lives, and we all are capable of doing just what we want, regardless of our sex. Gender should be such a small thing, who you are as a person, and what you want to achieve is what matters.

BrizzleMint No I haven't, I'm very private and keep to myself, but it's good that more detransitioners are speaking out. We are often completely ignored in the narrative.

nauticant - The obstacles I faced in my transition was firstly the extreme stress and anxiety of being obsessed with my gender, and uncomfortable with being perceived as female. Thus I wanted to make myself look as male a possible, through clothes, hairstyle, binding etc. But I found no matter what I did, I still looked female as I have a very feminine face, and this caused me much upset. I found it difficult to present as male in public and I didn't feel safe at all times. I looked very young when presenting as male, and often got ID'd despite being in my late 20's, and did find it quite hard to go from a quite tall, attractive looking women, to a short, scrawny, weird looking masculine presenting person, but I felt I had no choice as gender dysphoria had such a hold on me.

Other things include finding medical examinations embarrassing and stressful, and losing a relationship. Also, there is a long wait to access any kind of NHS therapy/hormones for adults. Sadly I went down the private route eventually.

Obstacles when detransitioning, as I hadn't been on T too long their weren't many physical changes, but I found it hard to let go of everything I had believed and lived for and been so sure about for such a long time. I also felt a bit like I was a fraud in a way, and it's still very confusing, but i'm glad I stopped when I did.

howmanybiscuits Youtube was the main one for me. I might be a bit old for Tumblr, but I hear it's where a lot of teenagers go. I think it was also trans forums like Susan's Place. I wouldn't want to name anyone in particular, but there are some very charismatic, handsome trans men on youtube, which I think glosses over the physical reality of transition, and makes it look easy.

NotTerfNorCis Yes, I do believe some people are born trans. But I don't think the large numbers that want to transition now are all genuine. I find the rhetoric aimed at children quite troubling, pictures with a pink brain for a girl and blue for a boy etc. Masculine little girls are not boys, and feminine boys are not girls, because gender is a social construct, and it makes me sad that we seem to be taking such a huge step backward to strict gender roles.

Echobelly People weren't as confirming as I would have liked, which I found really frustrating at the time, but had people of asked me those questions, at the time I would have denied it, even to myself, although deep down, I knew there was more than me just being male, and I had other unaddressed issues.

Thanks Dyl101. I was struck by documentaries about young children who're adamant they're members of the opposite sex. Some are autistic. With others, it's less obvious that something else might be causing it.