Hi, not a regular here but an avid lurker and wanted to add my voice.
I was in a relationship with someone many moons ago who referred to themselves a transvestite. We were only in our teens, and I told my partner that I was accepting of the whole thing and had no objections (even found it slightly endearing) but it didn’t get me off! As such they kept their dressing up private, but shaved their legs, did their eyebrows and things like that. All the same, they would tell me how their fantasy was that they were a lesbian being raped by a group of lesbians, and when we slept together (sorry to be so graphic but I feel it’s significant) they would make submissive ‘feminine’ sounds, have their eyes closed and writhe around on the bed as though fighting off imaginary lesbians(ie me!) Clear case of AGP as far as I could see, which I had no objection to in principle, but as a straight woman it just didn’t do it for me. I felt like a bit of a prop in their fantasy image of themselves rather than being present in the moment. I felt anything I did that was remotely feminine (and I’m really not a ‘girly girl’) would be cooed over in a way that made me feel uncomfortable – clothes I might be wearing, or if I was doing something in the kitchen. It’s no coincidence to me that this person also seemed to fetishize the fact that I was of lower class status than them, in a ‘common people’ kind of way.
We’ve stayed on good terms all these years, albeit at a distance due to living locations, and a few years ago my ex told me they were living as a woman all the time now. We’d previously had a chat where I said that men can’t actually become women and neither do they share the same experiences, and my ex agreed, but at the same time said it was just what they wanted to do. I tried to be supportive and said they should do whatever they feel then, we always cared about each other enough to accept our differences.
Fast forward a few years and I started to see some really aggressive comments from trans/allied friends of my ex on their Facebook timeline. They seemed mentally unstable. I remember my ex posting that someone had tried to make conversation with them on the street using ‘It must be difficult being trans in (insert redneck town)’ to which they’d told them to fuck off because they found acknowledging the fact they were trans to be offensive (my ex is over six foot and built like a brick shithouse, square jaw etc, so unfortunately for them they will never pass). I commented that even if it was clumsy, it sounded like they were trying to be friendly, to which I was met with transplaining about street harassment (because of course as a mere woman I’ve never, ever experienced that since I was 13). My ex now often uses the words T, and c. One recent comment from my ex’s friend (male – they always are when they speak like this) refers to gleefully warming their hands whilst watching a T** - no, lets say what it really is, a woman like me who knows what a woman actually is - burning to death on a fire, with a vivid description of the flames licking their flesh. This is considered the progressive stance, to see someone like me, who he knows nothing about other than the fact that I disagree on what constitutes a woman, burn to death on a fire and watch the flames dance around by murdered body. This is the level of reasoning we have on this issue, it's just a big old excuse to let the woman hating rage full-throttle really, isn't it?
After I became more and more uncomfortable by the kinds of things I saw posted, I did a bit of reading and asked a few questions on Twitter to result in the TRA pile on, being called a bigot, transphobe, nazi, cis-privileged, an anti-abortion fundamentalist Christian amongst other things. It was unhinged. I found myself on terfblocker and blocked by LOJ after one day. I think that’s when I headed over to Mumsnet.
I like to think my ex isn’t such a bad person, I wouldn’t have stayed in touch all this time otherwise, but I always knew they were incredibly self-absorbed and a bit of a fantasist. I feel that the trans ideology that has emerged in recent years has allowed them to demand all their sexual fantasies as rights, and the change in describing themselves from transvestite to transwoman is a way of legitimising their sexual fetish as an ‘identity’. I sympathise with the kind of harassment and prejudice they get from others, and the fact that they have had various health problems due to the medication they take. I’m not using this example to suggest all trans people have AGP either. Yet still, everything about this person – their socialisation and their physicality - is male. I don’t mean that as a condemnation, it just is what it is, and their dressing up as a woman and wearing breasts is their fetish. As such, they deserve the same rights as everyone else, but they should never be allowed to claim a woman’s space for themselves on account of their kink.
Perhaps my internalised misogyny as well as the fact I’m not a mother myself meant I had no idea what an intelligent conversation was being had on Mumsnet until late last year. I am so grateful for the arguments posters deliver with such clarity and wit, I would never have learned half the things I have without them. Much respect to Glinner and the other prominent figures brave enough to discuss this also, I have felt utter despair over the lack of support for women, children and transrationals, as well as just the general throwing reason and science under the bus for the sake of virtue-signalling. It’s been a real eye opener to the extent of misogyny that persists in our society and the sheer ignorance over the realities of what it really means to experience life as a woman.