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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Scared to say no :(

43 replies

OdeToDiazepam · 07/02/2019 19:56

Shit isn't it.

I'm repeatedly made to feel uncomfortable by a colleague who is 40 years older than me and built like a brick house, who often strokes me and squeezes my waist/prods my lower stomach. But I'm scared to speak out about it

Other colleague today acting in a way which makes me uncomfortable, intimidating, coming in my personal space, grabbing me, again I'm scared to say no

I want to say no. I'm a confident person who can speak their mind. But in the presence of men like this I revert back to freezing and feeling helpless (history of dv da/rape)

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 07/02/2019 20:01

Oh that sounds horrendous, and it must be so frustrating for you to freeze when that isn't what you want to do.

Have you got an ally at work who could maybe speak to these men on your behalf?

AnotherEmma · 07/02/2019 20:04

That is sexual harassment.
Please report to your line manager and/or HR.
If either of them is your manager then go above them to the next manager up.
You don't have to tell them to stop if you're too afraid but you can simply walk away. Go to the bathroom, go anywhere, just walk away.
Flowers

madcatladyforever · 07/02/2019 20:10

It took me years to learn to say no and then one day I think I just snapped.

This gross looking taxi driver with a bad attitude I'd hired to ferry me and some friends on a night out had the nerve to turn up at my front door and ask me if I'd like a date. i mean he was old enough to be my dad.

I looked him straight in the eye and said do I look like I want to go on a date with you and shut the door in his face.

Yes it was very rude and yes I felt great. I've been telling manpests to sod off ever since.

Badgerthebodger · 07/02/2019 20:24

Hi love. I’m sorry this is happening to you, it sounds like you feel very uncomfortable and for good reason - this is sexual harassment and these disgusting men do it because they enjoy making women uncomfortable. It’s horrible. You don’t have to put up with it and you don’t have to deal with it by yourself. Do you have a HR dept? Any friends at work? I would approach HR/your manager as soon as you feel able. Tell them exactly what these creeps are up to and ask for them to be dealt with in accordance with policy.

I completely appreciate that it isn’t easy to stand up to dirtbags like this. They’re counting on it, it means they can carry on. Sending lots of love and strength Flowers

TowelNumber42 · 07/02/2019 20:29

Ask a friendly colleague to help you deal with it. When you freeze your colleague can kick off on your behalf until you unfreeze. I'd ask an older woman or a man if you want it taken seriously by the handsy man.

Obviously HR is the best but I suspect you won't do that so friend power is the next best.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 07/02/2019 20:33

Thank you, no hr I work in a small kitchen, everyone's very chummy that's what makes it harder as I don't want to cause a big drama, and that makes me feel guilty because I believe strongly in women feeling safe and speak out about these things yet I still hold back

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 07/02/2019 20:38

I feel like I can't escape from abusive men. I'm so tired of it. I escape my ex and have ptsd and years of staking, abuse and police/court, I try dating and yet more, my last relationship thought he was a good man but no, now at work too, when I think how can I summon the energy to go through that again

I can't, it's relentless and I want to escape it and be invisible and untouchable. Ive lost all faith now and yet still feel bound by their control

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 07/02/2019 20:44
Flowers

Is there any way you could change jobs? Not as easy as it sounds, I know, but your mental health is paramount.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 07/02/2019 20:47

Im leaving in 2 months so hopefully I'll have better colleagues at my next job! Sorry for the rambling and thank you again Thanks

OP posts:
NeurotrashWarrior · 08/02/2019 10:32

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Could you report them when you leave?

userschmoozer · 08/02/2019 11:07

Invent an injury and declare you don't want to be touched from now on because you are in pain.

Mner2019 · 08/02/2019 12:58

It sounds really shit. Have you got a job where you could work from home at all? And then you don't have to be near them as much.

MrsTerryPratcett · 08/02/2019 15:03

Invent an injury and declare you don't want to be touched from now on because you are in pain.

Honestly, it would be wonderful if you could stand up but this might be enough to prevent it for the short-term. IBS?

loveyouradvice · 08/02/2019 17:53

good luck Ode with whatever you decide.... xx

Stardustinmyeyes · 09/02/2019 21:30

Does he behave like this with anyone else? If so can you band together and support each other. I've worked in small kitchens, it's an all mates together atmosphere so it can be very hard to speak up. Or as you are leaving soon maybe you could just say Fuck off and leave me alone. Bullies like him can be very shocked when their victim turns and responds viciously. Maybe practice in your head what you want to say, when you are at home just shout out what you want to say and try and and get your courage up too tell him he's a dirty old fucker. I wish you well with this. It's never easy

Stardustinmyeyes · 09/02/2019 21:39

to tell him
I've always been a very vocal person, it's helped sometimes and others it's hindered me but I will say that the absolute shock on a bully's face when their victim turn is a joy to behold. As there are others in the kitchen then he may not risk continuing with the bullying after you tell him to leave you alone. However given his age I think the shock value of a well chosen obscenity may work
I've been the victim of domestic abuse and sexual abuse, my motto now is never again will any fucker treat me badly.
I hope you manage to find a way past this situation

userschmoozer · 09/02/2019 21:43

I hope you're ok, OdeToDiazepam. I've been worried about you as the situation seems to be escalating with the other male colleague joining in. I don't believe for one second that they think what they're doing is ok.

Dragongirl10 · 09/02/2019 22:00

Op practice in the mirror at home what you will say next time he touches you, it will feel really difficult at first but get easier with enough practice, feeling furious first helps!

Don't put up with it.....how about' if you touch me ever again l will knee you in the balls hard'

SarahCarer · 09/02/2019 22:50

Oh it's so shit that we haven't got anything better to offer you than this.

Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 10/02/2019 01:30

He does behave like it with all the young girls yes, but everyone's a bit afraid of him, even the head chef! He flies off the handle quite easily

OP posts:
Original poster
OdeToDiazepam · 10/02/2019 01:31

The other one keeps just prodding me all the time and making me jump SadI'm a jumpy person because of ptsd.

Thanks for the advice, I'm hoping to get through my remaining time there and work on my confidence and assertiveness

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 10/02/2019 01:38

Sounds terrible!! I really hope you can speak out. Hopefully in the presence of other women. What assholes. Maybe some acerbic, cutting comments you could unleash without necessarily being too direct/kind/serious.. ?

adrienneJ · 10/02/2019 01:48

Have you tried speaking to a professional for some help/advise as it sounds like your struggling day to day by your posts.

Its typical that everyone will suddenly shout 'its these male bulling disgusting sexual abusers' and I don't get the impression that's what you're saying.

It sounds like your past is haunting you and holding you back in dealing with everyday normal situations and interactions with probably decent people and are worried that you are somehow inviting unwanted attention when that's not the attention you actually need from these men.

things like bringing sexual harassment cases for something like this would obviously be ridiculous but that doesn't mean its trivial what you're going through just that you need to realise your worth isn't defined by anyone but yourself and you don't need this kind of attention to feel valued

EBearhug · 10/02/2019 02:07

things like bringing sexual harassment cases for something like this would obviously be ridiculous

It's not obvious to me why it would be ridiculous, particularly as, He does behave like it with all the young girls.

Solstice888 · 10/02/2019 02:49

Next time someone prods you, loudly say 'oh for goodness sake. Right! Can I have everyone's attention please! There's a thing called personal space and I shouldn't even have to say, but if everyone could just keep their hands to themselves from now on, that would be swell'. You gotta be loud about this sorta thing and call it out infront of everyone. Just make it seem like you are addressing everyone and not just him.

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