Harrasser back on the scene - hold my hand, please!

[GrownAndFlourished]

I've NC for what I assume would be obvious reasons and I'm afraid I'll still have to try and remain reasonably vague. Oh, and, I'm posting this on FWR because I'm hoping for a more sympathetic readership here. So here it goes:

I'm a female executive in a large corporation. On the face of it, I'm about as together as I could hope to be: I'm reasonably professionally successful in a field that has

Grown,

I'm a bit confused by some of your post, but if I understand correctly, your previous harasser, who you won a grievance against, may now be placed in a position as your direct manager?

In that case should it not be a relatively simple matter of approaching senior HR and saying that given there was a previous grievance in your favour relating to this man, you do not believe it is appropriate for him to be working with you in any capacity?

I don't really understand your statement about people willing to jump off a cliff for you.

I agree with going straight to HR on this one.

I totally get you. Put on your big girls pants and handle this as the successful professional you have shown yourself to be.

To the boss of your harasser, you cool day, no that won’t be possible or appropriate. I am not going to explain why, but if you need an explanation you can go to HR.

To the protective bosses who are trying to infantilise you and are making you feel you can’t cope (or undermining you with good intentions) you say it’s fine, i’ve got this.

Oh and well done. Both on raising it in the past and your career success.

your previous harasser, who you won a grievance against, may now be placed in a position as your direct manager

Not precisely, no. And I'm sorry for being reasonably vague.

It's more like this: my previous harrasser's boss would like for this man to get involved in my initiative. In terms of operational seniority this might actually make me my former harrasser's direct superior in at least this one, limited respect.

By the jumping off a cliff bit I merely meant that I'm normally considered to be a capable and confident leader - someone who has their act together and whose authority is naturally accepted. I.e. Not who I feel I am right now: merely a young graduate who felt powerless in the face of a more senior man. That just wasn't who I am anymore. Until now.

Christ autocorrect. Cool day = coolly say

I feel simultaneously humbled by the personal investment in my well-being and patronised by the behaviour of my current bosses (all male), who are familiar with the history of the situation and seem to be committed to protecting me from exposure to this person.
It just sounds like you feel guilty. You need to talk about this. There's not much you can do about him not having been sacked, the above quote sounds positive to me too.
If your firm will accept it, suggest (perhaps via your supportive male bosses) that he wouldn't be the best person to work on your project.
They might disagree and insist you act in a water-under-the-bridge way, but it sounds like they might help.
If that then makes you feel more guilty I think it's the guilt that you need to deal with. Your ex-boss won't suffer too much from not being part of your project.

To the protective bosses who are trying to infantilise you and are making you feel you can’t cope (or undermining you with good intentions) you say it’s fine, i’ve got this.

I've actually done precisely this. To be fair, that was I lie; I've most definitely NOT got this. At all. I have literally no idea how to face a person who once undressed in front of me to show me his shaved pecs - at a client office, no less - and literally didn't seem to see anything wrong with it.

In fairness to my current bosses: my direct manager, at least, I believe feels very guilty about what happened to me back then and that he didn't realise just how bad it really was in time. He was my mentor back then and has genuinely been my rock for years. He means genuinely well.

But, having said that, their protectiveness towards me, I'm afraid, is contributing to my feeling small and powerless once more.

How awful.

On a practical level it would be highly unprofessional for either of you to be in a position for one to report into, or be directly superior/subordinate to the other, with the history you have. HR should have your back on this.

I would try to be as dispassionate as you can, and raise the point that a superior/subordinate or reporting relationship in this context is a risk in terms of possible HR issues for the company. I think it’s important that you frame it as a risk to the company (it’s a grievance waiting to happen to be honest) rather than an emotional reaction on your part (however justified that reaction is.)

If you’d be physically working alongside this person, I feel that would be unprofessional to ask of you as well, and possibly, depending on the nature of the allegations (which you don’t need to go into, protect your privacy) a safety issue.

Just go to HR and tell them that this man cannot be brought into any of your projects in any capacity.

Does this man actually have the necessary skills to to be part of this initatuve.? If not quietly state that he doesn't have what it takes.

This is the time to take back your power., you are leading this initatuve do not let any one take that away from you.

Stay quietly strong, rally your support, let your team be part of this, they will support you.

Say no to this encroachment

Actually - and this is where my employer failed - I'm reasonably certain that there are no formal records of my grievance.

My harrasser's boss is a very powerful individual. While I have no direct access to personnel files, I know for a fact the grievance isn't on mine. The matter was handled by a senior HR business partner at the time (this in itself is unusual), and I'm reasonably certain that some strings were pulled to protect him. He got away with, essentially, a slap on the wrist and a deferment of a promotion. I wasn't the first woman to complain, as I later found out.

TBH, I'm just glad that, about two years ago, I shared my experience (voluntarily) with my director in the context of a harassment case that we were handling at the time. Since I'm not even sure there are records, my having done so gives credibility to me now, seeing as there wasn't even a question of him returning at the time. As do my email archives that should still show a number of meetings about this.

...

Actually, men like my ex-boss need to be stopped.

I'm just going to have to get over this, put my foot down and tell a senior director that I'll raise hell if that man comes anywhere near my project, aren't I? Apart from how I personally feel about this situation, I have two very talented young women on my team to protect.

Yes that’s exactly what you should do. Inside you might be quaking and I understand why but on the outside you really have got it.

... And, yes, I do need to come to terms with my feelings of guilt.

Funny, isn't it, how you could literally end up feeling guilty for not allowing a predatory man to abuse his power over you.

This man literally propositioned me despite him being my married boss at the time and I feel guilty for not shutting the fuck up about it and just getting on with things. He touched me, undressed in front of me, made inappropriate remarks about me and I feel guilty.

This man, literally, made one of my male colleagues change his mind over whether or not misogyny was real when, in the middle of an actual meeting, he made a joke about ejaculating on me.

And I feel guilty for telling. That's not right.

I'm just going to have to get over this, put my foot down and tell a senior director that I'll raise hell if that man comes anywhere near my project, aren't I? Apart from how I personally feel about this situation, I have two very talented young women on my team to protect.

You sound like you know what to do. You sound very strong, even if you don’t feel it right now.

Best of luck.

GrownAndFlourished exactly. He won't suffer much from missing this one opportunity, he's obviously got friends in high places anyway.
And if he does in some way suffer as a result of his actions, that's 100% his own fault. You didn't make him do it.
And in a way it's not your place to "forgive" him either. As you say you have other women on your team you need to protect. So don't consider putting up with him on your project. There's no need for you to be made to feel uncomfortable to prove to yourself or to others you have got over it. He's not the only person left on earth, someone else can always be found.

Having been sexually harassed in the first place it should not fall on you to manage the fall-out from that.

Email to HR outlining that this man was disciplined on X date for sexually harassing you. Is HR aware that this person is being considered as a member of X project which you are in charge of?

Stress that you would not want to expose the company to any potential legal liability in this regard.

And then let them handle it. His involvement will be quietly dropped.

Bloody hell. Tell them again what he did and explain that you won't have him anywhere near your team.

Jesus, that is really shocking. I would refuse to work with him.

Foot down. A man like that won't be happy working under you and I would have concerns he would sabotage...but I'm very mistrustful of those types!

Agree with PP, objectively and Calmly state to his boss that you're not prepared for him to join your initiative and it would not be appropriate.

Emphasise to your boss(es) that you can and will handle this.

Then follow up with an email to HR and your boss.

Sorry you've had to deal with this crap. But you can and will deal with it. Get your work head on. Practice what you will say to various people out loud in advance so the words are on the top of your tongue and ultimately remember that you are great at your job. Good luck.

Urgh, he sounds like a sexual predator. You've had good advice on here.

I might pm you if that is ok?

OP - you've got this - you just needed a moment to sit down, calm down, and talk it through.

Of course you're going to have these anxieties - but intellectually, you know that what he did was wrong, and what you did was right. Take a firm grip of that, think through your feelings rather than try to bury them, and you'll sort this.

GrownAndFlourished and (or ?)

So sorry you're being put in this situation and that it's bringing it all back to you. You have nothing to feel guilty* about - you were wronged and did the right thing in response. Putting him in your way again, even if he reports to you, is an absolute minefield for the company and if HR is any good, they will support you by preventing his placement on your team.

I actually understand how vulnerable this makes you feel and how the concern you're being shown at work also feels less than empowering right now. The only thing that matters though is that you continue to be as capable as you have shown yourself to be until now.

You've acknowledged the feelings, and I think that's as it should be - denial isn't all that healthy IMO. Now acknowledge your professional skills and the success you have achieved by applying them to this situation. As others have said, you've got this and I have no doubt you'll handle this like a boss.

*I don't know where it comes from this guilt, but I've been thinking about it for days. Someone dear to me was assaulted over the Christmas holidays and even though she did nothing wrong, she feels guilty while the arsehole who did this to her is getting away with it. Why do our minds work like that?

I do wonder if guilt can be caused by the fact that the sexual component of the assault confuses the way our minds process an assault, in the way that a mugging does not.

After a friend was mugged she berated herself for not taking more care about which route she took, she was angry about being mugged, she was angry at the muggers, and although she partly blames herself (rightly or wrongly isn't really the point), she doesn't feel any guilt.

She has also survived horrendous domestic violence and carries a lot of guilt and sadness, but hardly any anger.