Aspie teen says he's trans, looking for advice.

[jamrollyolly]

My 16 year old son has just told me he's suffering from gender dysphoria. He says he doesn't want to be a toxic male. I said he can be any type of male he wants to be but I don't believe he's really a girl. He's never been particularly feminin. I think he's confused and being influenced. Any ideas of helpful posts/ groups/ websites for both of us? He says he's bi, which is also a surprise, but of course not an issue.

Hi Jamrollypolly I'd recommend Transgender trend, Gender critical resources and P ROGD kids (parents of ROGD kids). Read, read, read. Best wishes to you and your family.

Thanks Bessy

tell him that body dysphoria and conflicting feelings about identity is massively normal with autism, and to not rush into conclusions

I really feel for him.
It’s so hard for young men who don’t want to be part of toxic masculinity. Would How Not to be a Boy be a good read?

'body dysphoria and conflicting feelings about identity is massively normal', full stop!

I'd emphasise the positive side of him exploring the meaning of being male, the possibilities of how to act and be. Is there a good male 'uncle' figure nearby who can maybe hang out with him?

Thanks Chester I'll look that up.

I think it's very sad for teenagers who are either heterosexual or bi to make choices that mean very few of the opposite sex will be attracted to them later on. Quite apart from the sterility aspect, they're condemning themselves to not having much of a sex-life.

If he's a heterosexual male, women are not going to be attracted to him if he presents as a woman. If he's gay or bi, very few men will be attracted to him if he presents as a woman. He needs to think about his future sex life. :(

Hi OP. This is a support forum run by parents of gender-questioning teens who are sceptical of the rush to medicalisation. There are more than a thousand members and I'm sure you could find some good advice there. You will need some bona fides to sign up, for obvious reasons.

gendercriticalresources.com/Support/

Get him away form Tumblr, YouTube and other social media. Find out if there is a friend who might be feeding this.

Don't go near Mermaids, Stonewall, Gendered Intelligence and as others have suggested - Transgender Trend is a must.

If he's gay, tell him that's fine. He doesn't need to change himself because he's gay.

I think I'd be disconnecting the Wi-fi for a bit see if this calms down!

Take them to a psychologist so they can talk through their feelings and thoughts. You have a chance of a professional and informed opinion on what your child is experiencing and learning how to help them either way.

You owe your child more than just obtaining the biased views of Internet strangers with a political point to prove.

recent thread about article by father of son who believed they were transgender:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3410239-Being-The-Dad-Of-A-Boy-Who-Identifies-As-Transgender-article

I'm an adult male with autism, I felt the same way as a teenager because I was growing increasingly distant and alienated from my peers, what your son is currently feeling is normal, it's just sad that it's happening in a time where his feelings are being twisted and his mind made up for him.

'body dysphoria and conflicting feelings about identity is massively normal', full stop!

While I agree, there is evidence it is more prevalent among some autistic teenagers, because they’re looking for where they “fit” and how to belong. There’s also evidence of them being deliberately targeted, as “easy pickings”.

OP I’d agree with the advice on here, along with keeping him as far away from mermaids and stonewall as you possibly can. Transgender Trend seem to be a beacon for support and information, rather than dogma and aggression.

Thanks Chester I'll look that up.
Figit, yes he knows we're totally fine with him being gay or bi.

He is already seeing someone at CAHMs for anxiety, but I want to talk to her about her views/ approach to trans issues before he sees her again.

Captain Kirk, thanks for sharing that. How did you realise that it wasn't true?

How did you realise that it wasn't true?

I'm not sure, probably because at the time the transexual thing was people with gender disphoria and i realised it wasn't a hate of my body that was causing a disassociation with my peers. It was the people I knew, none of them were like me, it was all sex and girls and i couldn't feel or discuss the things they were in to, as I didn’t then and still do not feel the same way.
I assumed at the time the social rules around girls must be easier, there fore i must identify with them, probably becuase i was befriended by my sister circle of friends somewhat.

It never got beyond thinking this to myself though, the teenage years are an absolutely lonely and horrible time when you are autistic because you grow away from everyone, Socially i was so far behind them i could keep up (or maybe so far ahead i was already thinking like someone in their 30's) I didn’t really reconnect until people started settling down and having children.

No real advice, I just wanted to wish you and him well. Being a teenager is so awful anyway and I'm sure it's particularly confusing to be one in 2018. I hope he finds his way through this. I hated so much about my body and my life as a teenager. It's such a normal thing to deal with

He says he doesn't want to be a toxic male.

Grayson Perry's book The Descent of Man might be a good read for you both. It covers exactly this.

Daughter of a friend, who is possibly aspie, going through the same thing☹️. Puberty and teenage years are hard, looking for your place in the world, trying to find where you fit. This is turning into a huge crisis for teenagers, and ASD teens in particular. I reiterate the suggestions above, and also just talking generally about becoming an adult man and why that doesn’t mean squashing into hyper masculine roles, it just means being himself, a sensitive man is still a man. Maybe talk about men through history who have been constrained by expectations of masculinity, or who have broken through that ?

Greetings Jam

I was about to suggest that you contact the National Autistic Society but I see they're still listing Mermaids and Stonewall as sources of advice . As other posters have advised, stay well away from them!

I wish you and your son well.

Why on earth are the NAS listing that bunch of creepy people as advice ? It is horrifying how many autistic teens are falling for this, really tragic when you think of the possible outcome. With the head of mermaids sayingthat it doesnt matter if some children end up trans who would otherwise have desisted as being “ trans is not a negative outcome” ... if a lifelong reliance on drugs, body mutilation, sterility and damage to sexual function isn’t a negative outcome then I don’t know what is.

The NAS severed ties and then bowed to extreme and aggressive pressure. Unfortunately.

As an autistic teenager I didn’t fit anywhere, I’d have been profoundly vulnerable to pressure and aggressive recruitment tactics. I’ll make damn sure my kids aren’t!

www.transgendertrend.com/speech-language-assessment-autism-and-transition/

This article has some thoughtful insights into the role of language and pragmatics which are interesting in the context of autism and gender dysphoria.
I guess frank and open discussions are your way forwards.

One issue for aspie kids / teens is that they don’t pick up social behaviours automatically like NTs. They learn by studying others carefully and copying them. So if their main role models are Trans kids or TRA online then they will copy and identify with them.

Same if their peers are mostly goths etc.

Aspie kids have trouble finding their tribe and it’s easy to think that trans ideology explains their problems with fitting in. Which of course is normal for all teens and especially for aspies.

Both my aspie teens have rejected some aspects of gender / are slightly non conforming but they are both clear that they are the correct sex. One is sure they are straight and the other is not sure / maybe bi. They know it’s fine whatever.

It helps they are both super rational / into science and logic so know that people can’t change sex. They don’t believe in lady brain etc.

Both are happy not being NT ( most of the time ) and accept that some people see them as weird / different.

It sounds like the OPs son is just rejecting some aspects of gender roles, which sounds like a pretty intelligent thing to do as it’s all bollocks.

And of course gender is totally separate from sexual orientation , as people of any gender or none can be attracted to both sexes. It sounds like he is confusing these two things.