Y3 child asked me how people can change sex

[WrongSideOfHistory]

How would you have responded to this??

I started off saying that boys can't really become girls, and girls can't really become boys, but sometimes people can have surgery to change their bodies to try to look like the opposite sex.

Then he asked what kind of surgery and I think I might have traumatised him...

Then he asked what kind of surgery and I think I might have traumatised him

That's unfortunate. Did you document your use of age-appropriate language, terms, and descriptors (adapting also to your perception of his understanding of the general issues)? Just in case this is reported anywhere and becomes an issue that you need to discuss?

Well, my DC same age asked me last night a hypothetical “If you could have any more children what gender would you like” and was rather surprised when I said “sex - it’s sex” ... and up til now I’d have said the idea of gender wouldn’t have been in their vocabulary. I’m a little depressed by the idea of all this being a conversation at such a young age.

Anyway, to answer your question I would say you don’t change sex but you might decide you feel happier living as the opposite sex and changing your clothes, appearance and your name.

I’d avoid the body modification if at all possible, I guess.

It’s hard describing to little people that age.
I would maybe say that boys/men can become girls/women and girls/women can become boys/men as these terms seem to be a gender construct but males can’t actually become females and females can’t actually become males as male/female pertains to sex which is set. Still seems confusing for an 8yo though.

That people who want to become the other gender can have treatment and operations so they can live as that gender. I’d probably leave the whole explaination that even so their chromosomes and certain associated physical traits just can’t ever change as I don’t think an 8yo can wrap their minds around both gender/sex and be able to marry the concepts together in regards to gender change. Leave that until high school after they have learnt basic biology/physiology?

"Age appropriate" is the big issue, isn't it? The pro-transing-of-children side is all about trans penguins and glitter sparkles and balloons - but frankly if a child is not old enough to be told what's involved in an orchiectomy, penectomy and vaginoplasty, or conversely, double mastectomy, hysterectomy, forearm flap graft and phalloplasty, then (apologies for shouting) THEY ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO SOCIALLY TRANSITION.

Instead, tell them anyone is allowed to play with any toys they want, engage in any of the normal activities of childhood, and dress however they like, regardless of sex, but that any decisions about "wanting to be a boy/girl when you're actually a girl/boy" have to be shelved till you're old enough to understand the consequences.

I don't see the harm in telling him about surgery. My DM always told me about her episiotomy in gruesome detail.

You are doing the right thing in being honest that people can have hormones and body modification but not actually become the opposite sex.

I think he wanted to know how a girl could get a penis more than anything else. I did ask him where this had come from, if he'd had a class on the subject or something but he said no.

I told him that they'd have to take skin from somewhere else on their body to create a new penis. He was very "eugh" about it and I told him that it's not particularly nice and that's why people should have this operations until they're very sure they want it and only when they're grown up enough to decide.

We've tried to always answer his questions honestly and age appropriately where possible, but I'm wondering if I could have handled it better

the only thing I would have done differently is not used the word 'really'. It is absolutely not possible to change sex.

I would try to explain the difference between sex (male/female/man/woman) and gender (masculine/feminine). Sex you can't change, gender you can just ignore and wear what you like, play with what you like etc.

I have form for over-explaining, though...

if a child is not old enough to be told what's involved in an orchiectomy, penectomy and vaginoplasty, or conversely, double mastectomy, hysterectomy, forearm flap graft and phalloplasty, then (apologies for shouting) THEY ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO SOCIALLY TRANSITION.

Totally agree.

but a girl can't get a penis. A piece of skin removed from her arm isn't and never can be a penis.

Sounds like you handled it well, OP, (and very similarly to how I explained it to late primary DS)

my DD when she was in yr4 thought humans could literally change sex.

The fact that so many kids are getting this idea means that are going to thikn they can literally do it with no probs and so why not really

it's a lie

DD didn't know how it would happen, they just have vague ideas about medicine and doctors and so on.

This is what activitis want children to beleive, as far as I can see.

We've always talked about gender stereotypes and how silly they are. How I'm not girly at all in the clothes I wear or activities I do, but that doesn't make me a man, how he can wear pink as much as he wants, that doesn't make him a girl. And how anyone can do any job/task - there are no such things as boy/girl jobs/subjects etc etc.

So he knows about that as we've talked about it for years already

To be fair, the surgery IS traumatic. No sense in pretending otherwise.

It's really scary that kids think you can actually change sex.

It is scary and I suppose I wanted to get in early with my (correct ) view rather than let these ideas go unchallenged...

Is this your child or a child you teach? If it's your child you've handled it just fine. Obviously more non literal arse covering (no pun intended) required if your relationship is professional.

I've told my 7 year old son before that people with willies and balls are boys, and girls have all the parts needed to grow a baby which boys don't. That's the only difference when you're 7, the rest is just personality.

Gosh. You are all much more inclusive than me My answer was "they can't"

Yes my child - no clue how I would've handled it as a teacher!

@ItsAllGoingToBeFine - I wanted to give a bit more information as I wanted to give an idea of how people can try to change their bodies etc. Otherwise if they talked about it at school he could become confused as I'd just told him it wasn't possible.

He's now probably very confused about 'gaining a penis'. I think that was a mistake.

my DD when she was in yr4 thought humans could literally change sex.

Where are they getting these ideas from?

Otherwise if they talked about it at school he could become confused as I'd just told him it wasn't possible.

Schools should also be teaching that it's not possible. If they are teaching children that they can change sex, something has gone horribly wrong.

Yes my child - no clue how I would've handled it as a teacher!

The reference to a Y3 is what made me think that you were asking as a teacher.

Scratch my initial comment. As you were.

ONE, yes 1 UK hospital does 'pubic phallopasty'. Most trans don't go that far.

It entails 4 operations. The use of skin, to create, connection of tubing for urethra, finally connection of a water pump type device for erection maintainence.

I don't think it was appropriate to discuss the penis creation, re using skin , with a Y3 child.

@Oblomov18 I didn't go into detail, he wanted to know how they would get a penis so the best way I could think about describing it was to take skin from elsewhere.

On reflection, I think I should have probably said that this wouldn't work like a real penis.