How do you deal with PMT as a feminist?

[RagingWhoreBag]

I’ve always flat out denied that I suffer with PMT, as I honestly haven’t ever felt that it was a big deal for me. Perhaps a little more tearful or irritated thank usual, but nothing that I would admit to.

Potentially ex “D”P has a nasty habit of calling me out on it when I get pissed off about something during the “time of the month” and it gives me the fucking rage, which then proves his point that I’m over reacting.

How do you, as a feminist, accept your biology without buying into the bullshit that women are emotionally unstable (and therefore historically disadvantaged and dismissed)?

I’m trying hard to find the balance between accepting that perhaps I’m a little more forthright at certain times (as we all are when hungry, tired etc) but that I’m not a raving lunatic who doesn’t know what she’s doing/saying.

Have women bought into the notion of PMT despite it doing them no favours in the eyes of men society?

A friend of mine who is inclined to being a massive hippy says she treats hers as a monthly vision quest. My limited understanding is that a vision quest is generally a period of a few days where you go off alone and put yourself through a degree of physical stress (hunger, cold) and examine your spiritual or emotional response to those stressors. She believes any emotions which come up as a result of pmt are clarifying and reveal her inner thoughts - angers, resentments which need addressing that month.

I am not alternative in the slightest so her approach is a bit out there but I do like the notion of respecting one's feelings and listening to what is being brought up when you feel hormonal rather than being mocked for your behaviour/moods.

I do struggle though. When I'm off the pill my pmt is quite bad and I do share your concerns op.

I'm past that, but I used to drink lots of water the week before, and take a OTC for pain. That helped for moods too.

You can ask an ob gyn to help, but be careful about hormones.I almost got fired while taking progesterone.

I've never had PMT and I'm sure I read somewhere that actually only a minority of women get noticeable and problematic mood related symptoms. I do have very painful periods sometimes, and unfortunately so does my dd. dh has always been sympathetic and concerned when we are in pain, and ds says he's glad he's a guy and is also sympathetic. It's crap that some men are so stupid about periods and like to wind women up when they perceive them to be disagreeable by dismissing their grievances and essentially gaslighting them as being a result of hormones instead of whatever is really making us pissed off. Not to say that women who have big hormonal fluctuations which do affect their emotional state don't have that experience but I do think that it's easy to ascribe feeling cross or emotional to PMT when there are actually very good reasons why you might be feeling that way regardless of what hormones are circulating in your body.

Stop denying who you are might be a good start.

I gave up on feminism in the 1980s when I was told - by a so-called feminist - that the postnatal psychosis (x2) and monthly PMDD I suffered were not linked to my female biology, because if they were it would make women inferior to men. My daughter was told more or less the same, by a different medical professional, in the 2000s. Luckily for her, she found a genuinely compassionate and feminist - in the sense of respecting and valuing women and their bodies - doctor who was able to treat her appropriately.
It’s only the antics of transactivists that have brought me back, with the threat they pose to the existence of womanhood. My biology is my biology, with its reality and its disadvantages. I adapt my lifestyle and take appropriate medication to mitigate the disadvantages (which for many years included heavy bleeding for weeks and months on end, as well as the psychological effects). I am inferior to no man on the basis of my biology. No woman should feel she should downplay her discomfort in the interests of political correctness.

I am interested to hear people's views on how PMT relates to women doing jobs that are traditionally male dominated. I would worry about a woman with raging pmt being on the front line in the army for example. I'm not sure I'd want a weepy, emotional woman flying a plane I'm in either.

But testosterone-fuelled men fighting on the front line or flying planes is just dandy?

Men are responsible for, what, 95% of violent crime and 98% of sex crimes, yet it’s women who are too emotional and unstable to be allowed responsible jobs?

Women are dangerous. ROAR

Women are safer car drivers than men and have fewer accidents (less emotional and aggressive, you see). So of course they shouldn’t be allowed to drive planes.

All very good points. It's not quite what I was trying to say though. I just find this stuff so interesting - I love talking about it from all different viewpoints.

I'm not sure I'd want a weepy, emotional woman flying a plane I'm in either

And yet quick to anger men would be fine? Of course not.

I don't get PMT of the weepy kind. But during my period I'm uncomfortable, sometimes in pain, and I have one more thing that I have to monitor and schedule (changing cup/pad/whatever) - so I have less mental space for other people's bullshit. Men might interpret this as being emotionally unstable I suppose, but given that the answer to that is to not accept their bullshit at any point in time, I feel like it would be harder on them than me if I solved this dilemma rather than them taking a moment to bloody think about it and not act like jerks.

Oh, and my partner has his faults, but isn't a total jerk, so grumpiness isn't really an issue. In fact, I'd say he's more affected by my cycle than I am - I always know when I'm ovulating because he becomes extra attentive/attracted to me - virtually humping my leg in excitement!

Men aren't these solid pillars of reason, unaffected by hormones, unlike the mercurial women - I mean I thought we'd moved on a bit from that kind of idea of the difference between men and women.

Men suffer for hormonal driven acts of risk and violence. They are more likely to suffer problems caused by stress hormones they can have sex hormones flooding their system multiple times a day which can affect how the talk to women.

Perhaps you could point these hormonal flushes back at him? Speeding in car ? Hormones dear. Aggression at the football on telly? Hormones dear? Directed during a conversation...homeones dear?

( not trying to belittle the problems some women face with bad PMT, more just saying that nobody would say hormonal to a clearly hormonal man. Because hormones are totally normal)

meant distracted , although directed sort of woeks

I also find that PMT is more of a truth syndrome. I feel more of my own feelings, and concerns and have less tolerance for people's bullshit or selfishness, and if you rile me by being a dick you are likely to get the full truth with my honest feelings rather than the well practised measured response.

Totally agree that men who recognise women are humans with their own feelings all the time won't get so much of a shock. Of course some men will frame it as being irrational, but they are just being gaslighty fuckers who want the convenience of a constantly professionally docile, diplomatic woman.. the perfect mummy/wife servant persona.

I manage it by looking after myself (and having learned not to feel forced to maintain a perfect persona the rest of the time) and trying to make sure that I attend to any built up frustrations and feelings - so bit of gendercritters hippy friend's approach (but am so not a hippy!) I also listen to food cravings and eat well, extra iron and sometimes carbs and take it easy on myself etc. If I make the right allowances and listen to myself it almost goes well and without any surging feelings at all. Maybe there is something in that from a biological and unconscious sense.. needing to attend to oneself to help our bodies prepare for possible pregnancy and child raising etc, not always being put last. It is entirely feminist to also look after my own needs isn't it?!!

DH has been a fucker at times, but I look after myself better now so it is less of an issue but I appreciate that for my own sake, not his.

My pmdd exists and you’d be a terrible feminist if you suggested it doesn’t.

Recognising and respecting the different needs of men and woman is part of coping with it. I need more help and can’t manage as much during that ten days. So he helps much more.

Thanks for all the extra replies this morning. I appreciate all your views, especially ones like...

Of course some men will frame it as being irrational, but they are just being gaslighty fuckers who want the convenience of a constantly professionally docile, diplomatic woman.. the perfect mummy/wife servant persona.

I wouldn’t want to deny that anyone else suffers with either physical or emotional issues at any point in their cycle. I guess the points PPs have made about men’s hormones distracting them all day rather than once a month are really useful to bear in mind.

I’m very aware of the changes that my body goes through throughout the month, using natural contraception methods as he’s a condom refuser, so my awareness of, and close attention to, my own biology has saved him 6 years of having to take any responsibility for contraception. I think that’s part of what makes me so irate - he benefits from the hormonal flushes that make me extra horny or more loving towards him (90% of the time) but the once day I won’t take any bullshit suddenly my body’s natural responses are a massive problem and I need to sort myself out.

I’m off to the GP today as I said I would try and sort out any physical causes, maybe try the pill etc but reading these replies has swayed me towards just finding someone a bit more understanding and loving.

He's a condom refuser too? Oh dear....He sounds like he's not worth it tbh.
When I look back at people who I might have been a bit sharp with when having PMT, they were all being arseholes and were long overdue a dressing down but female socialisation had made me be incredibly polite with up until then, so I don't think it leads to irrationality at all, just less patience with idiots when in gnawing pain and trying to go about your normal business. Other than that I get weepy at something really embarrassing on TV like a donkey sanctuary appeal, but I'm still quite logical about it, I know why I'm crying and just let myself do it, there's no drama. We shouldn't need to censor ourselves.

Well I wouldn’t live with a man who mocked my feelings for starters. Dh has never, ever made any ‘time of the month’ comments.

I remain responsible for my words and actions and he remains sympathetic to days when I may be tired, down, or grumpy (as indeed both parties in a relationship are from time to time.) it’s ok to be grumpy sometimes. A ‘sorry love, I’m absolute shattered/pissed off about/feel reallybdown today’ should elicit a cup of tea and a hug, not mockery.

You have a DP problem.

If it’s something you’re really struggling with then physical causes should be looked at- a decent physical MOT for example. Some SSRIs have a good track record for PMS but of course not for everyone.

I agree with the above, it seems like you're taking on responsibility for his bad behaviour even in how you phrased the question 'how do you deal with PMT as a feminist?' when what it seems you're really asking is 'how do I deal with my partner as a feminist?' His crap attitude is not your responsibility, it makes me mad to hear what you're dealing with having been with unsupportive partners myself. Good luck however you decide to manage it.

Absolutely ^^ I really do think that the men who mention this or mock are the ones who are emotionally illiterate and dysregulated, as well as it being a cheap, obvious shot. They can't handle their own feelings or anyone else's so they try to suppress/oppress them. Toxic.

Brilliant thread. Love this.

When we are talking about equality we should not pretend that there is a neutral position because the “neutral” is always male. It can be no clearer then when we talk about healthcare and issues to do with the body. We should not be contrasting women’s bodies against a mythical neutral. Men and women have different bodies and as a result we have different responses that all fall in the realm of “normal”.

I'm fed up of womens hormones being treated as a medical problem. I get horrible pmt, I hate it and it sucks to be me. What would help actually would be if DP thought to himself "oh she has PMT, I will consider that in how she behaves" and gave me extra cuddles/looked after me/didn't respond irritably to my mood.
But many men are way too used to having their feelings and moods attended to at all times so it wouldn't even cross their minds to moderate their own behaviour to help their partner. It is annoying, especially when we are expected to be considerate because their tired/stressed/hungry.

There was a series called Sliders, about travellers to an alternative universe.

They went to a universe where the male/female hierarchy was directly inverted (it was otherwise similar to our own) and I remember a line from one of the male natives: "Men flying an airliner? Women only have one cycle a month, men have one multiple times a day! How could they fly a plane?"

Found it insightful.

Yes, that's a very interesting point. I felt very conditioned for a time to 'Be aware that at a certain time of the month, I will need to work harder to maintain pleasant relationships with those around me' and I wore it as a bit of a badge of honour that I did reasonably well at squashing sharp comments etc.

But DP suffers under no such pretensions to the moral necessity of extra self control for certain things.