Facilitating Wives Club - trying to break free!

[GoldenWonderwall]

There were a couple of threads earlier in the year about facilitated men which I will link to once I’ve got this thread up and running. I found them very helpful in understanding why I was so frustrated and feeling like I wasn’t the only one stuck in my own life.

I’ve had enough facilitating and I want to do my own thing which is proving very difficult due to lack of available childcare, lack of flexible childcare, little additional support and lack of jobs that pay enough to cover the costs of going to work and the costs and inconvenience of both parents being out working.

My dh is very supportive and does not expect to be facilitated, though he thinks it’s daft me going out to work in a job I don’t want to do to earn money to cover the costs of the job that I don’t really want to do, that has no prospects and that impacts on everyone else.

I’ve tried working from home doing craft and I’ve tried setting up my own business which hasn’t worked out really. I haven’t tried volunteering yet or retraining or just getting any old job and seeing what happens. My confidence is down the drain and I feel very aware of not being someone’s first choice in any kind of work scenario.

I’m interested in this as a feminist, thoughtful issue rather than a knee jerk, aibu, get a job you lazy sahm freeloader because, as plenty of other women seemed to feel on the original threads, I am in this position due to sexism in the workplace. I’m now stuck here in a stereotyped sahm role with a husband who earns well and I feel like I’m supposed to be massively grateful I don’t need to work and all I want to do is throw things and weep for all my lost promise.

I’ll link to the facilitated man threads...

Thread 1

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3082251-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-how-did-this-happen

Thread 2

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3088346-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-Part-2

You don't have to be grateful and you don't have to work; it doesn't make sense to put yourself through the stress if you don't come out of it with any money of your own. (are you paying all the childcare costs?)

You do have to find something meaningful to do, for your own sanity.

Volunteering can be a great stepping stone to getting back into paid work. It can be as flexible as you need it to be, and honestly the knowledge that you’re giving something back by donating your time is a rewarding feeling. Looking after a family can feel a slightly thankless task, but if you balance it out by looking after yourself, exercise, mental stimulation, learning something new from time to time I personally think it can work.

Do give volunteering a try. I was talked into volunteering into my son's swim club, now my youngest is at school that is what I do. I love it, and I never even liked swimming.

Thanks for replying

crow it’s the sanity thing you’re right. We have family money so childcare wouldn’t be out of my wages but say you earn £800 a month and to enable you to do that you pay out £600 childcare and £100 travel - is it worth the hassle for £100 a month extra when the job isn’t a career and effectively stops the facilitation of dh so he would stop where he is - which is fine, for the right role for me, but not just because I’m going slightly mad.

happy I understand what you’re saying, I’m a bit ambivalent about volunteering in general so maybe I need to think about why that is.

tuf that’s brilliant you forged a new career from your voluntary work! You’re a brave woman doing kids swimming lessons, I’ve enough on my hands with just my dc

Golden, can you explain what it is about your situation you don't like?

Lettera I feel trapped and angry mainly! I had a good career and it was buggered up with having dc and now I stay at home and fit round dh as he goes from strength to strength.

It’s looking like to try and get back in the workplace you go down to the bottom and try and start again which I accept to a point, though it’s massively unfair and it’s very difficult to, for example, have the person on ££££ doing loads of dropping off and picking up so someone on £ can do a couple of shifts. It’s illogical and inefficient. And my family would all accommodate me so I could go and earn £ but why? Why kill your self to scrape £ if you don’t have to (and I have done in the past and do not think I’m above it or anything now).

I’m feeling really down because I keep finding jobs that sound good but there are aspects which aren’t good that they keep quiet until they’ve started getting your hopes up. I feel like the models are keep your career going at all costs, accept the mummy track or sahm and and get a little part time job when the kids are all at school. I wasn’t allowed to do the first or eventually the second and I don’t want to do the third but I don’t know what the other options are?

The pregnant and screwed team is doing a 1 day conference thingy in January. (on a sat so no childcare issues).
Maybe go to that and see how it goes?

And what was your previous profession? Women returner programs are in vogue at the moment. Could be worth a Google.

And if you did get a smashing full time job- why couldn't your DH take over the childcare and go part time?

What you're forgetting about working is that as well as the salary, you will be making NI payments and paying into a pension. Presumably you haven't been doing either of those whilst you've been a SAHM?

Is it not possible to work part time in your old role/career?

Have you thought about doing some studying?

It doesn't have to be anything career related.

Why not do a short course in something that really interests you. Just to give you something that's stimulating and only for you, rather than for dh or kids.

Oxford Uni do a number of online short courses in lots of fascinating subjects.

I did what Tuf did - volunteered in my kids' school and took it into two jobs in education (one's part-time, the other seasonal). It's terrible money, but I discovered a real passion for literacy and I love the work. Plus it rarely gives me childcare issues except for when I don't find out about staff meetings til it's too late grr and I have a couple of days a week to myself too. I know it's mummy track but I'm kind of ok with that for now. When they're both at senior school I may change my mind and be infuriated, who knows. Depends how much more money bleeds out of education, I guess.

I keep my ni contributions up by claiming child benefit but obviously had a couple of years out of a workplace pension.

I want to do something where I am respected and valued and I feel in the workplace this is mainly shown through pay. I’ve worked for very little and worked huge amounts of time unpaid and it mattered not when it came to the crunch, my time and effort was not valued. I don’t want to make this mistake again.

I can see that my time and effort are valued by my dh and by my dc somewhat but I’d like the independence of earning a decent wage. I couldn’t go back to my previous career as it was killing me. I have a couple of areas I could try but I keep having doors slammed in my face and I’m getting despondent.

Dh would go pt if I got an amazing job but 1/5 of his salary is more than the annual salaries of jobs I’m currently suitable for (obviously there’s tax etc). I used to earn more than him before we had dc

I do learn and as I’ve said I’ve set up a business to give me goals etc. Maybe I should do volunteering and see if that goes somewhere.

I’ve seen the pregnant then screwed stuff but I think it’s in London. Maybe they’ll broadcast it

I’m in a similar situation. I feel I’ve been out of the workplace to long now (was previously in healthcare). Most of the people I used to work for / with have left where I used to work. (Healthcare has a huge staff turnover) so I would struggle to get a reference for any jobs in the future. It’s quite depressing.

I just want independence, be able to earn my own money, build my confidence and grow professionally. I can put my youngest in to nursery if I found employment, but, as I say, I’ve got a 4 year gap where I wasn’t working, and I’m worried potential employers will look at that negatively.

My husband works lots of different hours and works away (uk and abroad) sometimes, so I would find it difficult to keep up with his schedule in regards to any job I had or the childcare issues.

I’m actually attending a women only event next month that’s about reskilling, upskilling and linking to partner companies that may provide opportunities. I really want to get into some form of administrative role.

I hope you find a solution. It is really hard.

Touch wood ive found it kind of easy to get back into the workforce. Hopefully ill be starting a civil service programme in january. However, i had to manage/ facilitate the household to get to the position im in. So all the voluntary work & studying ive done had to fit around everyone else. It made me cry sometimes with anger and sadness how i was the lowest priority at home. Im hoping that this now changes but im expecting a wobbly year in terms of the mental load

meralia ive been out of full time work for 10yrs. Have been doing a mix of part time paid and voluntary work for 5 yrs. Its been a slow slow road. And often no support from my husband

Now just reading through everyones posts. I got so caught up in the 'ive had a baby, noone will want to employ me'. Please please please, keep positive. I have the dreaded 2:2 and from a bog standard uni, and im employable.

I work full time, DH is self employed but only so he can be flexible around childcare etc (two primary aged kids). He’s more or less full time though, but crucially no commute. His pre-DC job was in a male dominated industry that doesn’t recognise flexible working!

We’re relatively unusual in that we prioritised my career.

It is stressful, and I envy friends where one of them (ok, it is always the woman) works 3 days a week. I don’t think more happiness comes from having two full time parents in demanding jobs if you can afford not to (I appreciate for many it is not a choice - we can’t afford for DH to not work at all).

But I would go bonkers if I was a SAHM, so totally get where you’re coming from! I would definitely look into volunteering as a way to build skills/experience for when the kids are older and need less looking after.

You do have to find something meaningful to do, for your own sanity.

When the fuck did raising our children become not meaningful enough? Why are so many women undervaluing the most meaningful thing they can ever do? All the wank idiots that we complain about so much were raised by someone. Lets focus on getting the next generation right and put everything we've got into raising emotionally mature, conscious, compassionate, intelligent adults instead of trusting their future to the influence of random childcare facilities. If you have the luxury of not having to earn a living, fucking well parent your kids!

I have just signed up for some volunteering, connected to my old career.
Had the first day of training on on Tuesday, which involved being trained on a job I not only used to do, but used to train other people in.

And you know what? I really enjoyed it. I have chosen a really high-quality organisation (that's the great thing about volunteering - you can have more choice about what you do and who you do it for than you do in paid work) and I felt I learned a lot from the way the training was delivered even if the content was bread and butter to me.
I also found that one session of the training connected to my parenting experience (autism awareness, and my ds has been assessed for autism) and made me realise I had expertise I didn't know I had, because all that work understanding his condition and how to deal with it is applicable in many workplace roles too. I thought it was going to be awkward and a little bit sad sitting through basic training in my field of expertise but it turned out to be a very positive experience.

I don't know where this is going to go because I have other irons in the fire and ds's condition still creating barriers to my working, but it has made me aware of the way you can use volunteering strategically to refresh your employability. It's a way to access training, for free, and get a new perspective on the workplace, and if it never leads onto any paid work it's still worthwhile because you can donate your skills to a cause you care about.

'If you have the luxury of not having to earn a living, fucking well parent your kids!'

Ha ha. My kids are at school at the moment.
Should I be polishing their bedrooms or keeping up to date with the latest parenting research?
My kids are being pretty damn well parented thank you very much. I love them and I love bringing them up as well as I possibly can but it doesn't take up so much of my time and mental energy that I can't do anything else. Perhaps I should have had six.

Exactly barelove I think we’re talking about how to keep busy/stimulated when the kids are at school.

The original poster mentioned childcare, implying the children were too young to go to school. I was responding to that particular situation, not to 'how to occupy my time meaningfully while my kids are at school'. I'm concerned that children needs to be cared for by their own mothers and women rights to be supported to care for their own children are being devalued by a society that only seems to value women if they get back to 'meaningful' employment asap after childbirth.

I understand what you’re saying bare but I’ve tried to immerse myself in motherhood and it’s not for me. I find it claustrophobic and full of ‘experts’ who obsess over baby wearing or montersseroi play or whatever. I do loads with my dc and they have the kind of childhood the vast majority of children in this world could only dream about, so spending some time in childcare is not detrimental imho. I’d rather not work full time which is obviously a barrier to the workplace.