How to raise a strong daughter

[AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo]

Long time lurker on this board and reading the thread on pathological altruism got me thinking about DD.

Daughter is nearly 2 and I tend to follow an Alfie Kohn “unconditional parenting” approach. I realise it sounds ridiculous learning how to parent from a book, but abusive parents, no role models etc.

Anyway, a lot of it is about teaching empathy. So instead of barking “share” at her when her and other children fight over toys, I’ll say “Can you see that Amy’s crying? I think she was enjoying that truck. What could we do to make her happy?” and DD is so kind that she’ll go and give the truck to Amy.

But I also worry that it’s teaching her to be a pushover and notice that it’s always her sharing, never other kids. I’ve also noticed that boys seem to definitely get a lot more acceptance and less discipline from their parents when they snatch her toy or barge her off the slide.

How do I teach her to be kind but not submissive?

I’ve got a few books suggested on the Mighty Girl website. Obviously her comprehension isn’t at the stage to fully engage with them but we’ll chat about female explorers and scientists. She has what I think is a fairly ungendered selection of toys and recently we’ve been watching programmes like “Catie’s Amazing Machines” together.

Has anyone here had any experience with this? Also suggestions for clubs, activities etc for her when she’s older? I'd love to take her to feminist talks etc when she’s older.

Can you see that Amy’s crying? I think she was enjoying that truck. What could we do to make her happy?

OP - good of you to cite & raise questions about those lines & the book that suggested you say them to your very young DD. You do not seem like an idiot; you come across as a concerned, thoughtful, inquiring mom. Please don't put yourself down!

We all want our children to develop empathy, equity/fairness & self-esteem. But these are three different things, & it's best not to try to instill empathy & make our kids share before they're developmentally ready, or in ways that can undercut their emerging sense of self & self-esteem. This is especially the case with daughters, as girls traditionally have been raised to put others before self from the get-go.

IMO trying to instill empathy in a two-year-old of either sex in such forced, overt ways is age-inappropriate; & attempting to do so by saying those particular lines to DD at any age will inadvertently impart some potentially harmful lessons. As others have pointed out, it's teaching DD to focus on & prioritize other people's feelings at an age when she needs to be learning how to feel, name & be OK with her own emotions.

Besides, the fact is, we humans can truly empathize with others only if we've already had the opportunity, time & support to experience, know, appreciate & feel comfortable with the array of emotions in our own psyches first. And the/a main way children learn empathy is by seeing parents & other influential figures demonstrate or model it in the way we treat them & others.

Re the specific situation you described: Instead of posing questions about Amy to DD, it would be better for a parent here to model empathy - as well as curiosity, forthrightness & an awareness that no one, not even moms, can read minds - by simply querying Amy directly & leaving DD out of it altogether.

Better for both children if the grownup here said, "'Amy, I see you are crying. Do you know why? Can you tell me why?" If Amy said, "I want the truck," an appropriate response would be something along the lines of, "You'll have another turn with the truck in a moment. Let's find you a fun toy to play with till then."

If Amy's response reveals she's crying for another reason - maybe her stomach hurts, she's tired, she has a toothache, she hates that she played with a truck in the first place because she identifies as a Barbie doll Disney princess type of girl, or she's suddenly been struck by early-onset gender dysphoria that's causing her to jones for all the trucks & other "boy toys" in the whole world, right now! - then that specific reason could be addressed. And all the while, DD would be left to her own enjoying!

Hope this was helpful. Good luck!

One more point, about kids sharing:

I personally find it weird & hypocritical that adults in the materially-well-off Western world expect little kids to do so much sharing when we grownups do so little of it ourselves. What's more, we expect even very young children to be gracious, good sports about it. In my experience, kids get wise to the unfair double-standard pretty early.

Agree with @Vegilante re sharing - and that it should be about fairness not sharing as a baseline.
Have always made a song and dance about how DD being strong (she is) has helped her do stuff she loves (climbing), but tempered by 'with great power comes great responsibility' (she loves superheroes).

DD is still occasionally shy (fine), can be sensitive (fine, though working on resilience as she takes slights to heart), but she rejects skirts and dresses as restrictive and she has no trick with 'for boys' rhetoric.

This is a really interesting thread.

I think the most important thing we can teach girls is how to set, communicate and expect respect for their own boundaries (I think boys should learn this too, but society will do some of the work for us with boys, and with girls it will likely work against us).

I agree with Lang that male free time is likely very important, and learning this early will make it more natural for our daughters to seek it out for themselves as adults. Women only spaces are very precious, and families are now so spread out and many women have babies later, so an automatic family network of elder women is less likely to feature (my Nan was one of 7 sisters, all within a couple of mile radius!)

And listening, really listening, to what she thinks, needs & wants as an individual, rather than letting her be puffed away in a cloud of princess sparkles. This can get hard in school!

My daughter is currently enjoying the Little People, Big Dreams books:

www.waterstones.com/booklist/377114/little-people-big-dreams-series

In raising a strong daughter, there is only one thing in my mind I'll make sure that she is a family-centered. Because it all comes with a good parenting.

I can’t find a particular article I was looking for regarding teaching kids to assert boundaries from todddlerhood on, but here is a not-as-good-as-the-one-I-remember article that has some of the same points:

rewire.news/article/2015/04/09/can-teach-kids-consent-without-bringing-sex-conversation/

And also, from inside the above book - say no to lady-brain!

By example OP. Be the woman you want your daughter to be.

Encouraging them to air their views. Debating perspectives. Commenting on injustice- often easier initially to do in the wider world, so talking about places where either now or historically women have had a rough time. Encouraging them to have a sense of boundaries- not forcing them to give Great Uncle Frank a kiss and a cuddle. Trying to model equality in the home. Going to work so she sees you earning money and being a woman who is not reliant on a man. Realising that your dd is more feminist than you are and being supportive of that.

By example OP. Be the woman you want your daughter to be.

This with bells on. It does not matter what you say, it is what you do, all the time, without thinking that will be the biggest influence. Your attitude to your work, your behaviour with her father/your partner, how you navigate the outside world, how people treat you and how you respond to that, how you spend your money, what you value and how you are valued. Millions of unconscious messages that over ride pretty much anything you say. It is very much a case of 'physician, heal thyself.' If you want a strong daughter you have to be a strong woman.

Just to reassure you op my ‘gentley parenting girls’ (by instinct more than intensional design) are very popular well liked by peers and adults, despite having asc/pda/adhd and the social difficulties that come with it. They have always been well liked and never short of friends to invite them for play dates and parties. They also share perfectly well with their friends, despite me refusing to ‘teach’ them to share. So don’t doubt yourself.

My DD is a teen now, and a fierce feminist who knows her salt’s worth.
I too come from a dysfunctional family and had to learn it all from books.
I’ve not gone down autoritharian route, but I am an authoritative parent. What I mean by that is that my main aim has been to teach her HOW to think, not WHAT to think. She has always been encouraged to argue her point of view and assume the consequences of her own actions.

I have always taken her seriously, no matter how trivial the issue. I’ve listened to her fears and questions. I made sure she understood her body belongs to her, she sets the boundaries. And that adults aren’t always right, that adults act like children sometimes, that she is entitled to her own opinion.
But most of all, my main priority has been to create a safe environment/relationship between us, where she can come and air anything without the fear of being ridiculed, told off etc.
HTH

And just for balance-or something- we can only do our best - and it doesn't always work and it's not always our fault. I thought I had raised a strong confident feminist daughter- but she met an abusive man and it all went out of the window in days. I take comfort from the fact that she has got herself out of it- but we can only do so much.

Lead by example.

Teach them about money, self-sufficiency and financial management.

Encourage them in the things they are good at and the things that interest them. They can leave the other stuff to other people.

Teach them never to take any shit from boys. (When one of my DDs came home aged 10 saying that a boy had called the the C-word, I taught them to own the language and say it out loud until we were laughing our heads off. The word belongs to us, and can never be used against us.)

Tell them the truth. About everything.

Let them watch you standing your ground, speaking your truth, and being an adult human female.

Let them know they have choice, agency and autonomy over every aspect of their lives.

I have raised warrior women, and I couldn't be prouder.

Bertrand that must have been so hard for all concerned, glad she's in a better place now

OP - I didn't mean to make you feel like an idiot, I don't think you sound like one at all. My DD is 14 now and I've been making it up as I go along, making mistakes by the dozen and learning an awful lot from this board.

I disagree with some of the views on here, such as a woman needs to work in order to have value. That really pisses me off!

"Bertrand flowers that must have been so hard for all concerned, glad she's in a better place now"

Thank you. I just think it's incredibly important for us to remember that we can raise our children to be strong and feminist and "warrior women" (I like that!) but we are dealing with something huge. We need to be addressing the entrenched misogyny of the society we live in. I can see why a pp dealt with someone using the word cunt as a swear word the way she did- but the boy who used it hasn't changed.......

Absolutely role modelling is the way forward.

My upbringing was one of people pleasing, others feelings (especially men's) are more valid than yours and being told such gems as men don't like clever women.

It's taken me a long time to lose all those voices, and maybe they always linger a bit but I was determined my daughter would not grow up thinking and feeling like I did. So I had to fake it till I made it. I was very conscious not only of what I said to her but what she saw too.

I'm so proud of her now, her sense of self fills me with pride.

I think it's just always having it in mind.

Bertrand - you are right. Shocking behaviour from boys. Interesting article here on the psychology of misogyny. This is what our daughters are up against.

www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/men-hating-women?fbclid=IwAR2vNW08tSVtsjjwgwwXqIsXTU51kWtSTO_TosOe5UQJKk94tx1WmpUDWN0

I think when they are young just focus on giving her lots of unconditional love and modeling behaviours you want to encourage ( treat her with respect/ use good manners/ be kind etc) but also teach her the rules by explaining in simple language ( nothing long-winded) eg ' we don't hit, we wait our turn, it's kind to share' if someone models bad behaviour to her also explain this ' that wasn't kind - we don't snatch' etc. When she get older, once she has a strong sense of the rules and the fact you love herand have her back then teach her to stand up for herself by talking her through situations as she encounters them. I found age 6 was when my dd needed support with 'friends'. I teach her to always look a bully straight in the eyes, useful stock phrases to respond, in a loud voice to draw attention to what's going on- the good old Mumsnet 'did you mean to be so rude?' among them ' that wasn't very kind' etc and by explaining why people do mean things (they want a certain reaction, they feel bad about themselves, they are jealous of something about you) so she is in a strong position to respond feeling supported, and knows it's not her issue. As she gets older I will help her navigate boys but for now working on her confidence and self worth is enough.

pebbles I like your advice. Please share more from your experiences with Dd

pebbles great advice. Another Mumsnet phrase 'no is a complete sentence' is one I plan to teach dd when the time comes. I definitely learned to be a total walkover as that's what my parents were, and I neverasetered the difference between being 'nice' and being a doormat. I'm a lot better now (still a work in progress!) so I can hopefully model something a bit more assertive to DD.

Never mastered

By example