Am I being sexist? Anyone able to help explain my thoughts..?

[Smashingnicey]

Having a really tricky time at the moment. Over the last few weeks (but particularly this week) I have been repeatedly let down professionally and also personally by colleagues, relatives and my DH. This has resulted in me being forced to take on additional work I am not qualified for, working extremely long hours, under huge and very public stress, with very public consequences should the work not be perfect. There have been obvious knock on consequences for my health as well as me having to reduce my time with my children (they have been plugged into electronics the entire week).
I've been thinking about why this has happened, how I can prevent it happening again etc. It's just occurred to me that in all these instances it has been men who have let me down. I'm talking about 7 or 8 different men. I HAVE had a little support from 2 men (but only in an incidental /protecting their own interests way) and 3 or 4 women who know what's happening have been helpful too. I work in a traditional, fairly patriarchal male dominated environment and I'm a woman with 'visible' children (I am often seen by my colleagues with them as I live close to my work).
I feel I have become resentful towards these men for putting themselves first, for refusing to help with situations that THEY have created, for forcing me to effectively clear up after their incompetence and for not helping when I KNOW they have the capacity to do so.
It just feels like I'm wobbling around at the top of a ladder asking for help and they're having coffee looking up my skirt and smirking while I sweat.

It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and you need someone to place the source of that stress. Your expectations may be too high.

I think you need to have a good think about your career priorities. Is your job really worth it? What impact does your job have on your family? If you are irritable and snappy at home look for another job. I myself have been through some MH issues due to stress at work and was moved to a new location where I've been much happier and feel my contribution is valued. Life is way too short.

Do you have an HR department? Can you delegate?
What if you were to say "this needs to be done and person A or person B needs to do XYZ or it won't get done".

I'm wondering why the men felt it was okay to just dump the work but you don't and also why you think there aren't consequences for them but there are for you. Sounds tough 

I don't think it's necessarily sexism. But I do think you're being a bit of a doormat.
Grow a pair OP and tell these people you can't help them.

Thanks for your replies. Yes it is awful. I escalated it to HR last week but their response was "ask Man A or Man B (both of whom are the ones who originally messed up as from my OP) again". That was weird actually. And anyway, asked them again and they still both said no! (And with no reasons/excuses given?!).
I'm literally having chest pains, panic attacks, and subconsciously self harming (don't really realise I'm doing it until afterwards) and getting very little sleep whilst having to hide these experiences from Joe Public in order to pretend nothing at all is awry and this is how things are supposed to be done.
If I don't do the work there will be huge fallout, monetary and reputational loss, community impact etc etc. I am carrying the can with the baby inside because they don't want to.

Heratnumber7 and EverardDigby

The reason I don't feel able to say no is for the following reasons:

I genuinely dont want this project to fail

Sorry pressed post too soon.

Don't want project to fail
Don't want negative community impacts etc listed above
Would be hugely personally embarrassing
I would probably be at risk of losing my job (on the basis of the knock on impact of financial/reputational loss)

Why do you genuinely not want this project to fail and what would you be willing to trade for it? I mean, if you had life threatening fever starting today, would you still finish the project on your death bed? Surely there are ways to prevent project Armageddon if you for whatever reason cannot do the heavy lifting?

But the men involved don’t care about that? Would their jobs be at risk too?

Who do you and they report to? Is this person aware of the potential impact? What are they doing about it?

Sometimes you have to let things go wrong so that the person ultimately accountable will address the issues. But have you raised it directly with them? Rather than HR?

Make sure EVERYONE knows it was A and B's fault and you are picking up.

Make sure you are very vocal about the expectation of acknowledgment in the form of money, promotion, award... whatever is there.

If this fails and you are not able to turn it around PLEASE do blame A and B loudly.

If it succeeds Do NOT let them walk back in and pick up the halo.

Say the above to everyone at the water cooler as well as 1-1 with your boss and your bosses boss. And over coffee with every friendly senior person.

Been there, not done that, got the T-shirt - Nevermore.

Start doing some arse covering in preparation for you saying 'no'

Get it in writing how everything has gone wrong and the fact you have asked HR and these individuals for help and they have refused,

Clearly set out consequences of you saying 'no' and give a breakdown of what you see as a suitable solution. Give a deadline for solution to take effect

Then, with your arse in tact, step back.

With regard to whether you are being sexist, I don’t think that’s really the main issue here!

If you generalise based on your experience of a few men then yes, that would be sexist. Maybe think more about how you have been socialised to believe you are single handedly responsible for delivering something for your community whatever it takes out of you, whilst the men seem to have a firmer view of their own boundaries - you might find some sexism there!

What's the role of your manager and the men's manager? (Are they the same person?)

Btw, are you Theresa May?

Btw, are you Theresa May?

Lesson for the future here. Next time you make sure the work is structured so that other people's failures hits them harder than it hits you. I know it's difficult but it is always possible.

The other guys did a really good job of structuring the work so all the risk fell on you. Next time get that fixed at the outset. Remember the pain of their failure must hit them harder and sooner than it would hit you so they are motivated to clean their own mess.

On the feminiist front I have observed that women can be too worried about being liked and building comfortable relationships at the start of a project. Then they get screwed over.

Yeah maybe the guys will push back hard and say you are a bitch and moan about you when you make the briefs/terms/kpis/reporting structure/whatever be different to put more risk on them if it goes wrong. They'll appeal to you to be nice, say they'll be nice, it'll never happen etc etc. Yeah yeah, then they won't mind taking the risk on their backs then will they?

In summary, worry less about being liked and being nice at the start.

My first thought is that this is a problem for your manager to help you solve. (assuming you have one and are not the most senior person in whichever organisation it is yourself)

"let down professionally" could mean just about anything, without knowing what you've expected these folks A & B to do that they apparently haven't, it's hard to judge.

Reputational damage to who? To you? To your company? Are you the face of this particular project?

Get signed off of work for 2 weeks for stress and the self harming thing.

See what happens next.

Look for a less toxic-to-you workplace?

Every word that Cottonntail said. It is really important that they are the ones who are hit first and harder than you are, and that you notice from the very beginning that they are actively trying for every project, for you to be the fall guy. You must put the kabosh on that. Also, a more basic problem is...

a woman is being dumped on and she both initially and mid-stream accepts the extra burden -- and then she wonders if SHE is the one who is sexist!

Sure we can all clutch our pearls and fling up our hands and say, "gosh more female socialization, guess there's nothing I can do about it!!" OR, you could practice re-wiring your brain, by practicing on smaller situations where you can say, "no" -- and then close your mouth. No excuses for why you can't, no justifications why you can't be their servant one more time, no nothing. Just pretend that your no is the end of the conversation, and since that IS the end of the convo, then of course it's now time to talk about something else without a hint of shame or wiggleface as if you're not sure daddy will take your no seriously.

@ILuvBirdsEye - that was brilliant and gave me the first laugh I have had in weeks!!! Not Teresa May no - although the parallels are definitely there in some respects!
Thanks for the advice here. Yes I know the sexism isn't the main issue here - that's true - but in addition to the stress I have these fairly powerful feelings of anger and I just cannot judge whether I am directing them fairly or not! I'm not one for moaning or creating an atmosphere but I am fantasizing about those water cooler moments where I let it all out!
@LouiseCollins28 - I have been a bit vague so as not to out myself or the rest of the cabinet but yes it would be reputational damage to the company, me and important community stakeholders. A&B have technical roles. I do not. A has not completed his technical role and has gone on planned non medical leave. A has not left anything in the way of handover notes,files, advice or arranged for cover, he is not responding to emails and is vague on the telephone. B is technically capable of doing As role and used to do the role hinself. However B regularly sabotages work for A (and me) in a difficult to prove way, sort of passive aggresively or by doing nothing at all. B has also enjoyed being paid for his role when actually A has done the work for it. B has also been, in my opinion, dangerously negligent in strategic aspects of this role previously; although is very capable on a day to day basis.
I have been forced to step in because we literally cannot find anyone else to perform this technical role by learning it as fast as possible, me pairing it down and experimentation. It's hugely stressful.
@CottonTailRabbit - yes I have spent too much time trying to smooth things over with A&B and being the diplomat. I have definitely been screwed over deliberately because B especially wants to see me fail.

Power through to the end. Then make it your number one goal to get the lazy nasty fuckers out of their jobs or to get a new job yourself.

Also, if you are a senior person then you should be looking to have really strong disagreements with people early in your project. Not smoothing over (aka hiding) deficiencies and poor behaviours. That's not helpful in a leader. Read The Five Dysfunctions Of A Team. I think every senior manager should read it, especially women.

"I feel I have become resentful towards these men for putting themselves first"

That is because you might have been socialised to put yourself last and they might have been socilaised to put themselves first.

Are you responsible for their work/supervisor etc? If so, how can they say no? If not, then tell the person who told you to tell them, that they said no. IYSWIM. (and their supervisor if that is a different person).

Are you worried about getting them into trouble? if so, why?

"...for refusing to help with situations that THEY have created..." Who can you tell that they have cocked up?

"...for forcing me to effectively clear up after their incompetence..." Are they forcing you or do they just not care if it fails? If they do not care, should they be in those jobs?

"...and for not helping when I KNOW they have the capacity to do so."

But it's not really 'helping' if it was their job in the first place.

I think that you need to take your kids and their visibility, and your biological sex, out of the equation, I do think these situations are probably sexist, but you need to take that out of the equation too, IMHO.

They have stuffed up so how will their boss make them make it right and if they cannot make it right, who else can - someone who is not you!

"It just feels like I'm wobbling around at the top of a ladder asking for help and they're having coffee looking up my skirt and smirking while I sweat."

It feels like that because maybe that is actually how it is. By looking up your skirt do you perceive a threat from them or do you mean they are laughing at your situation?

I think you need to put that in professional language to them and to whomever supervises them. IMHO.

Good luck

I am a senior manager but not the big boss. None of the technical staff report to me although A is in the same team as me and paid more than me because of his technical capabilities.
I guess they haven't actually forced me to do the work. They just know I am the one who will open the box in public to find nothing there so unless I find SOMETHING to put inside then there will be nothing there on the day.
I can't imagine doing this to someone else. It's beyond my understanding. If I can help someone out I will. I hate seeing people suffer and would never stand by and watch failure. They have been told directly that this is causing stress to several colleagues but still do nothing!
I've NEVER been anything but helpful, hardworking, pleasant and good at my job and the unjustness of this situation is making me wonder whether misogyny is at the root of it.

Maybe it is misogyny.

Just as likely that they think you are a pushover and are taking the piss because they can though. They give no shits about other people's stress. They do not have issues with being people pleasers.

Some people are nasty lazy cocks.

Some people love feeling powerful by screwing others over like this if they can. Totally get off on it. There is a certain type of technical male very prone to this in my experience. Inadequate twats with incel leanings.

It's your standard cowardly bullying.

They are not scared of you. They are smirking at you. Get your fight on woman!

Even if it is too late to avoid doing all the work, make damn sure you kick the shit out of them. No more soppy nicey nicey lady. They play nice, you play nice. They try to bully you, you push back hard.

Don't waste any more time pondering the patriarchy. Fight the battle in front of you. Ponder later.