Am I being sexist? Anyone able to help explain my thoughts..?

[Smashingnicey]

Having a really tricky time at the moment. Over the last few weeks (but particularly this week) I have been repeatedly let down professionally and also personally by colleagues, relatives and my DH. This has resulted in me being forced to take on additional work I am not qualified for, working extremely long hours, under huge and very public stress, with very public consequences should the work not be perfect. There have been obvious knock on consequences for my health as well as me having to reduce my time with my children (they have been plugged into electronics the entire week).
I've been thinking about why this has happened, how I can prevent it happening again etc. It's just occurred to me that in all these instances it has been men who have let me down. I'm talking about 7 or 8 different men. I HAVE had a little support from 2 men (but only in an incidental /protecting their own interests way) and 3 or 4 women who know what's happening have been helpful too. I work in a traditional, fairly patriarchal male dominated environment and I'm a woman with 'visible' children (I am often seen by my colleagues with them as I live close to my work).
I feel I have become resentful towards these men for putting themselves first, for refusing to help with situations that THEY have created, for forcing me to effectively clear up after their incompetence and for not helping when I KNOW they have the capacity to do so.
It just feels like I'm wobbling around at the top of a ladder asking for help and they're having coffee looking up my skirt and smirking while I sweat.

the unjustness of this situation is making me wonder whether misogyny is at the root of it

Men are not afraid to be total cunts and they often get away with being total cunts.
Women are held to a higher standard so if you had behaved like person A or person B you'd probably have gotten the sack already. Misogyny is part of the problem but male privilege is another part.

The situation that it's all down to you and no one else is being held accountable has made me think if I were you I'd just fuck them and resign. Obviously I understand this has practicalities that are unrealistic for you. Surely your credentials could lead you to a better emover?

^emover = employer

It sounds like absolutely ineffective management (by your seniors) is at the root of it!

But it is a bit like when people come one here and ask why their husband is so useless whilst they enable it. You don’t have to be the one to rescue it. It doesn’t sound like it’s your responsibility to rescue it. It sounds like your colleagues have a very different relationship with work compared to you.

How are you thinking you could tackle the situation now, after reading the various bits of advice above?

CottonTail’s book recommendation is a good one.

Thank you - so my plan is to power through in a kind of "shit or get off the pot" way. Something will happen, I've been able to make some headway but whether it will work I don't know. If I flick the switches and no light comes on then time will not stop. It won't be forever and I will have to cope with the fallout and try not to cry .
Resigning would be extremely difficult from practical perspectives and I just can't get my head around the "fuck them and resign" idea because that's what they've done to me and I do care about everyone else involved in this.
I'm not sure how I will deal with the feelings I have about these men. I think it will affect me for a long time. My relationship with my DH is generally good but bumpy because I am opening my mind to how far I have altered my life to ensure his life remains the same. Being let down by him at this time is a double whammy and I guess each situation magnifies the other.
I'm not sure I have the strategies or even phrasing in place to "push back" in a way that would be fruitful. I will look at Five Dysfunctions of a Team.
I am glad I posted here though and thank you to all the contributors.

When you realise you've been too nice you tend to see it in all areas of your life and it can seem overwhelming.

As you learn how to value your own space and time then you'll find it easier and easier to push back. Right now you don't take yourself seriously enough as the star attraction, you've been acting like the background enabler/runner for the real stars.

When you start acting like you are equally or more important than others things will change. Some people will react badly. Most will react well after some initial growing pains / confusion at the change.

The Reality Slap or The Happiness Trap (same author) are both great books for helping to getting your head straight.

Reality Slap is best when something awful / traumatic has happened. Happiness Trap best when you've got a general sense of I'm desperately unhappy but I've got no good reason to be unhappy.

"They just know I am the one who will open the box in public to find nothing there so unless I find SOMETHING to put inside then there will be nothing there on the day. "

Who is supervising you, will they not want to know why nothing is in your box?

"They have been told directly that this is causing stress to several colleagues but still do nothing!"

Someone else is allowing this to happen. They sound like prize jerks but someone else is allowing them to be!

"I've NEVER been anything but helpful, hardworking, pleasant and good at my job and the unjustness of this situation is making me wonder whether misogyny is at the root of it."

It may be but if the tables were turned and you were a guy and the other two were women, I would still be on your side!!

Can you not hold these guys to account?

"Resigning would be extremely difficult from practical perspectives and I just can't get my head around the "fuck them and resign" idea because that's what they've done to me and I do care about everyone else involved in this."

I you do resign look into suing for constructive dismissal. Your supervisors/their supervisors are failing you.

"I'm not sure I have the strategies or even phrasing in place to "push back" in a way that would be fruitful." If you have the time and money, look into some assertiveness training. You sound very capable in your job but like you do not value your own time, or efforts and you still kind of want to let these guys get away with it. I'm not sure why you have to do everything. Do as much as you need to, of course, but why do you need to do it all?

"I've NEVER been anything but helpful, hardworking, pleasant and good at my job and the unjustness of this situation is making me wonder whether misogyny is at the root of it."

I was in a similar situation once upon a time. I'm still not sure, after all these years, whether there was explicit misogyny. To me that means "hatred of women." I doubt they did hate women. It was more like female people didn't exist. So when they stepped on your neck, it didn't matter. No(real)body was hurt.

What was my solution? There was none. I left the job at enormous personal cost.

I hope your situation has a better outcome!

Are you scared of kicking up a fuss?

I'm not sure I have the strategies or even phrasing in place to "push back" in a way that would be fruitful.

Are you doing that female socialised thing of only taking action if you are 100% sure you will be successful and that everyone involved will come away thinking nice things about you?

Screw that. Get stroppy. Give no fucks if people get pissed off with you. Right now you have chosen to take time from your children rather than kick off at work. Which smells of fear.

It's your bosses that should be crapping themselves. They should be tripping over themselves to make sure you don't walk from the job because you are so pissed off at this situation. Probably because they don't feel there's any risk of that. They don't have to do anything. You'll sort it all out. Screw that. Make sure they know their project is at risk of you walking or going off sick.

Your DH knows about being a bit selfish right? While that's a problem for you in your personal life, you could ask his advice on how to handle this work problem, including what attitude you need to display. He may have useful insights.

OP your plan might be right for you on this occasion, but I hope you don't mind me observing that it sounds a little bit like "I'm going to carry on as usual". You can carry on as usual, it's entirely up to you, but nothing will change if you do - the same goes for your marriage.

I can't imagine doing this to someone else. No, but you are in effect now doing it to yourself, so you need to figure out how to that yourself with the same respect you afford to others. Can you imagine what you would do if someone who reported to you told you they were having chest pains and self harming?

though, on top of the work drama it sounds as though you are bit overwhelmed by the realisation of how you are fitting in with everyone else. You might find a coach useful. It is hard to learn a different way to be.