Never thought I'd post on here... violent male toddlers!

[Stellenbosch]

It's a bit sad, but twice this week I've seen two different boys be violent towards little girls. Both times their mums just brushed it off as 'they're boys and they're used to playing rough'.

Surely this isn't ok?

The first time, a boy around two got on the trampoline at the park whilst my dd was getting on. He rushed in front of her, so she was still climbing in. He jumped on her fingers and then, when she stood up bounced into her and deliberately pushed her. His mum said 'oops, lol, he's used to playing rough with his older sister'

Dd was very upset and clung to me and cried.

The second time was a boy and girl about four. The boy rushed ahead of the girl, pushed her over, deliberately, to get to a gate first. The girl fell over and cried. The parent of the boy apologised on his behalf to the other parent and just said 'boys, what can you do?!'

Surely this shit doesn't fly anymore? Yes, boys are boisterous but you can certainly teach a four year old, and a two year old, that it's not ok?

I have 2 girls and a boy. The boy needs a lot more outside exercise than the girls - whether by sex or personality or socialisation. HOWEVER there is nver any need to brush off poor behaviour as "boys will be boys". I just see my exuberant boy as needing MORE social rules and empathy training as it doesn't come as easily to him.

Unfortunately lots of parents still buy into the ‘boys will be boys’ bullshit. I don’t know if boy toddlers are more violent than girl toddlers but no one shrugs it off if a girl child is the one pushing and shoving. And then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as they boys grow up.

Some toddlers are violent, boys or girls. It is wrong to accept it from either especially with the excuse that it is permissible or acceptable because of their sex.

You know, I have a boy, same stuff happened to him (mostl by boys, but occasionally girls). When he was younger he would get upset when other kids pushed him aside, as I had told him to wait, stand in line...
I then made a point of ordering those kids back in the queue and stuff (awful, I know. Horror mum), but I really have no patience for this. I even had a shouting match with a father, once*. Yes. I am that kind of parent.

Now that my son is older, he has mostly learned to stand up to this type of elbow behaviour, from what I can judge, while sticking to the rules and being protective of smaller kids. I don't know what some parents educate their kids, particularly sons, for - a Mad Max world?

• And I won.

Of course you can teach them, doesn't mean they won't sometimes do the opposite of what you say. It might be your turn one day OP

Of course you can teach them, doesn't mean they won't sometimes do the opposite of what you say. It might be your turn one day OP

Question is, how does parent react, when the kid does the opposite in this instance. Does parent react as decisively as when parent's great treasures are in danger (like the laptop or the white, until then unsullied wall in the living room), or does parent not really feel the need to teach a lesson?

No, it's not acceptable. I have two sons and I have never excused any bad behaviour on the grounds of their sex.

I get what you're saying, but, violent? violent?

I have a boy and a girl and I must admit the boy is a lot more to handle

He is incredibly hard work and very rough.

But this means I watch him closely when he is around other children so that he doesn’t be rough with other children. If I see him do anything, I’m there in a heartbeat, he has to apologise and then he has to come and sit down for 5 minutes to calm down

It's hilarious that you think this is a feminist issue. They are toddlers. It's a fact of nature that they are selfish little twats. They literally don't understand that it is wrong to push another child. It good that at least some parents are sensible to this and can move on rather than painting this as a part of male violence against females. It's not. Toddlers are just shitty human beings and they eventually grow out of it and its fine. The phrases boys being boys etc are just used to smooth over an awkward situation. If it had been a girl doing the pushing the parents would have cone out with some other clinched truth.

And yeah I agree it’s not a feminist issue

It’s kids being kids and some parents not being responsible for their child’s actions

It is my observation that people tolerate physical misbehaviour in boys far more than in girls so yes, I think it is a feminist issue. It's very possible that if we made a conscious effort to apply the same rules of behaviour to boys as we do to girls, then we would end up with a much less violent society.

My boys are very gentle types but they definitely needed more running around time than my girls when they were small.

the brushing off by parents on the grounds of a child's sex is a feminist issue.

I wouldn't tolerate that from boys or girls and using that dismissive statement (boys will be boys) only expresses how willing we should be to accept this in society.

I've pulled other mums (no dad's so far) up on this and will continue to do so. It's not cool.

The phrase "boys will be boys" is the feminist issue here.

It takes a village to raise a child.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy - boys are told off less for boisterous behaviour that hurts others, so they do more of it. My dd recently got told ‘oh, it’s just boys being boys’ about being shoved in the primary school playground.

So I completely agree with you OP, it is really sad that some parents / carers / teachers think that boys are innately rougher than girls, and therefore allow them to be rough without consequences.

I think ‘we’ as a society are way too harsh on boys, right from the start of infancy. I could provide loads of research to back up this statement btw. Toddlers (both sexes) push and shove and get upset and, in general, manage to sort things out themselves if you leave them to play with minimal interference. I find attributing male toddlers behaving like, well, toddlers to ‘male violence’ to be quite sad actually. What boys certainly don’t need is a harsher style of parenting.

Cf. ‘mean girls’.

Yeah I've seen some pretty awful behaviour from girl toddlers you know.

Violent is massively overstating it.

When boys tried that with my dds I'm afraid the boys landed on their arse. They were nice kind girls but they wouldn't take any shit from boys.

I get what you're saying, but, violent? violent?

I don't understand the objection to that word? Many toddlers hit, bite, push and kick to get their own way. They are violent. I think you are assuming some judgement about the children that isn't in the OP.

It's hilarious that you think this is a feminist issue. They are toddlers. It's a fact of nature that they are selfish little twats.

True, but I do think there is a culture which lionises violence, selfishness and risk taking in men and criticises it in women. It begins with toddlers.

I don't think OP is saying the toddler's behaviour is a feminist issue per se (my two girls do the same), but that the mother's response illustrates a problem.

Oh FFS! I have two boys (school age now) they’ve been hit, bitten and pushed plenty of times by girls when they were toddlers. It’s toddlers. Some parents handled it well, some didn’t.

Please don’t demonise all boys. I’ve been out with my boys today and witnessed some awful behaviour from some girls on an activity they were on together - I’m not assuming all girls are badly behaved because of this one incident

The most violent toddler I know is a girl, and her mother dismisses the behaviour as flamboyant!

stitching it’s not about demonising boys, it’s about dismissing aggressive behaviour because they’re boys. All children, boys or girls, need to understand when their behaviour is wrong and not have it shrugged off because they’re male.

I’ve also noticed that people tend to be more tolerant of violent behaviour and rough play in male toddlers.

A girl toddler pushing / hitting etc is more likely to be told off than a boy toddler doing the same thing IME.

So I’d agree it’s a feminist issue from that POV.