"Wifework" - I'm not doing it anymore

[yetanotherfeminist]

(I've name changed)

I have spent the last ten years, since my first child was born, doing the vast majority of the childcare/household stuff/family admin etc etc. For some of that time I've also worked (part time) in a fairly stressful professional job. My partner has always worked full time.

As of this week my partner has become a full time stay at home parent and I am working full time.

It's early days but so far it's bloody brilliant. Work is hard in some ways, and I have a long commute. But DP is looking after everything at home. Not having to do that makes me realise how much I did, how knackered I was, how stretched in too many directions.

Now I am able to concentrate on my career and it has brought home to me just how women doing the "wife work" facilitates men in their careers.

It has also been interesting that almost every woman I have spoken to says "I wish my partner/husband would do that". It's so sad that in 2018 our arrangement is so unusual.

I'm not sure why I'm starting this thread to be honest, I just wanted to share my observations with fellow feminists.

Thanks Op... well done and good to read. I do all the wife work at home and my husband works ... guess who is so exhausted they go to bed at 830 each night, and guess who sits up with a glass of wine ?! It's so easy to underestimate the strain / mental load of being the "home maker".

Did you read the threads on facilitated men a couple of months or more back?

I'd like to read those - are they easily findable ?

Yes - I just Google "facilitated men" and they were the first two hits.

Reading with interest. DH and I rarely argue but when we do it’s about the distribution of labour (and earning). He works full time and I work part time but I feel like I do about 75% more than him. But it’s hard to explain what! I’ve never heard the expression “wifework” before but that’s exactly what it is, of course.

I'm glad he actually stepped up. So many threads on here from women considering the father being a SAHP and then adding that he'll do none of the lifework or will need to be facilitated in it. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I work full time while DH looks after the kids. Eldest in school, youngest in nursery 8-5 2 days a week so he has some downtime.

And yet I do all the wifework and running of our household. When I finally finish work I'm then busy on household admin till sleep. He's a good man, but just wouldn't be able to do it all. Looking after the kids (which I know is hard work) takes him to his limit.

He's not a good man, he's a lazy git, but hey, if you're happy exhausting yourself to facilitate him, it's your life. He gets 2 bloody free days and can't manage to function like an adult? I wouldn't put up with that, even from myself.

This is what baffles me.

All these good men would have to figure it out if they were the only parent.

Sounds great for you.
I always found "wifework" far easier than working, and not really like work at all to be honest, but of course if you are working and doing the bulk of it, it's not right.

I find it hard to break down (but I do have a fairly grown up husband).
Bills, remembering school events, forms, taking DCs to parties, medical appointments, repeat prescriptions for the DCs, home decor and repairs, are all 50/50 or mainly him.
But I get all the child clothes stuff (he'll buy uniform if instructed), dress up (thankfully very few at the DCs school), mending, I also sew clothes, and I do at least 75% of the family meals and over half the food shopping.
And a lot of that I really don't want to do (lugging clothes into and out of the loft, selling old stuff, going to the PO etc etc).

Left I think it's very clear from GetOvalt's post that she's not "happy" about this. Plenty of women find themselves in situations like this - implying it's their fault with a hostile post is the exact opposite of what feminists should be doing, IMO. What is the point? Direct your anger where it belongs.

GetOvalt Not everyone here is unsupportive!

GetOvalt

I don't understand what he could be doing with 2 free days off that would result in you doing housework and household admin.

DP and I both work full time and all the household duties are pretty evenly split.

If my DH was the only parent he would figure it out.
But he would give really random presents (I forgot presents) and everyone would forgive him because he's a bloke.
He'd serve a lot of ready meals and beans on toast.
He would waste a lot of money on new kids clothes and would probably chuck them out instead of mending them.

What is the point? Direct your anger where it belongs.

Who says I'm angry? People are responsible for themselves. If they choose to support someone who doesn't want to adult, that's their business .

I work part time so have naturally taken on more of the housework/admin/kids stuff as I've always been around more. DH works very long hours.

However there are times when I wish he would step up and take certain things on! Rowed last night as I'm refusing to get quotes on a dented car. I couldn't give a toss about a minuscule dent, so I said if it bothers you that much then you sort it. Cue teen DD saying "why does he always expect you to do all this shit"

Yet another - remember to have your husband contact your children’s schools / clubs to let them know that he is the first point of contact . Otherwise you will still get calls at work etc

'He's a good man but just wouldn't be able to do it all How patronising. Has he ever tried?

Kr1stina yes I've done that. Most liberating!

I don't want anyone to think my DP is some kind of hero. He was sick if his office job so it works for both of us. And there's no reason on earth why I'm more suited to the wife work than he is, especially as our kids are out of the breastfeeding stage there's no need for it to be me at home.

He is doing rather well at it so far

The GP surgery has DH's number for DS and my number for DD (DS has more medical appointments so we worked that one out well!)

The question has to be GetOvalt if the sky fell on your head tomorrow and left him widowed would he suddenly find himself just bloody well getting on with it in the manner of every mother on the planet?

This infantilising of perfectly capable grown ups makes my blood boil!

No offense taken by any post, I was just adding my moan!

It seems a general pattern amongst my friends that even where both parents work it's the woman who bears the bulk of the life admin. We may have been able to get jobs, but that's not equality when it means we also have to do the "wifework".

Top marks to the OP for making it work!

He's a good man, but just wouldn't be able to do it all.

Fraid so, the only people i know still doing more than their fair share of wifework are the ones who like to crow about how superior they are, how he just couldn't hack what they do. Knock yourself out.

But why do you do it all? Surely by doing it, you're just enabling him to remain hopeless at it!

Stop it. Tell him that it's his job to sort that kind of stuff out. Why on earth wouldn't he be able to do it?

GetOvaIt, do you get two days down time as well? He has about 18 hours a week to himself, which seems astonishing with two children.