"Wifework" - I'm not doing it anymore

[yetanotherfeminist]

(I've name changed)

I have spent the last ten years, since my first child was born, doing the vast majority of the childcare/household stuff/family admin etc etc. For some of that time I've also worked (part time) in a fairly stressful professional job. My partner has always worked full time.

As of this week my partner has become a full time stay at home parent and I am working full time.

It's early days but so far it's bloody brilliant. Work is hard in some ways, and I have a long commute. But DP is looking after everything at home. Not having to do that makes me realise how much I did, how knackered I was, how stretched in too many directions.

Now I am able to concentrate on my career and it has brought home to me just how women doing the "wife work" facilitates men in their careers.

It has also been interesting that almost every woman I have spoken to says "I wish my partner/husband would do that". It's so sad that in 2018 our arrangement is so unusual.

I'm not sure why I'm starting this thread to be honest, I just wanted to share my observations with fellow feminists.

I hate wifework. I hate all of it, except for the pottering around when a room is actually already clean doing a bit of rearranging and titting around (actually that is probably not wife work). I hate buying food, cooking, cleaning up, cleaning generally, changing beds, laundry, hanging up wet clothes, ironing, emptying bins, hoovering, buying birthday cards, and oh my god all of it. I only do about half (spouse does the rest), but if I won the lottery my goodness I’d never do a hand’s turn again. I like my paid work though. Just wanted to rant about it, sorry. As you all were 😉

I am the f/t worker, dh f/t at home. I probably do more than my fair share. He just doesn't see stuff that needs doing.

Hated on mn but I do use lists. It works for us, he gets things done and I feel in control don't feel that everything is just left to me to sort.

I wish I could solve this one. DP will load and unload the dishwasher, and once or maybe twice a week, he does a marathon ironing session in which he watches some streaming programmes, irons a big basket of clothes and piles them up on a chair. He drives us to the grocery shopping and pushes the trolley round.

He does work full-time, and my contracted paid hours are part time, but I do volunteer as well. Everything else is done by me. I plan the shopping, and I put it all away when we get home. I cook, I clean, I wash, I tidy, I empty bins, and I put away the piles of ironing he proudly produces. He actually asked me when he got home today why I hadn't put his ironing away yet.

I don't infantilise him. I don't do this stuff because I don't think he could cope with it. Tbh, I mostly do it because I can't cope with living in the shit tip it would be if I didn't and have to listen to him whining incessantly about the state of everything.

I don't know how you get over the rickety bridge between where I am, over the period of sod all being done, to the other side where it isn't assumed that because I am home two days more than him, 95% of the work at home is mine.

But of course he could do it. He holds down a full time job with responsibilities. It's absurd to think that he couldn't manage to sort out all the home/child stuff if he had to.

I remember the days of wifework... in my case I didn't drive, but still had to take the kids on the bus or walk everywhere, get all the shopping on the bus (daily), sort out all the housework and work from home earning a full time wage (but part time hours). I was permanently exhausted.

Now I live as a single woman (oh that's relief). I work full time at home and do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, shopping and childcare. But it is so much easier!

I think we underestimate how much of our exhaustion comes from the looking after of our partners that we feel we have to do. I now do more work than ever, but I do no emotional labour.

Shocking news but my DH managed to make a cheese sauce made from scratch last night. Yes, they are cap an. You have to let them get on with it.

I think you have to be prepared to let them fail. I have had a year where my DH didn't get anyone a birthday present and he never remembers his SILs birthday. He often fails to communicate plans to his parents properly.

Whatever, I'm staying out of it.

That's great OP. Is he very organised? That'd be the downfall here. I agree about letting them fail.

My brother did all the wifework and was the SAHD to 3 under 5 as he was supporting my SIL through a career change. So many people used to wind him up about it; it really annoyed him when other men took the piss. He loved it and it exhausted him in equal measure and he also didn't think it should be regarded as heroic etc, he's returned to a job as the children are in school now and is so much more empathetic of private struggles. It really changed him for the better.

Before we had children we both worked FT and things were pretty even... whoever got home first cooked, we meal planned together, sorted out finances together, evenly distributed other chores. I was pretty happy with my lot.
Roll on two maternity leaves and I now work PT. Whilst on maternity leave I found more and more got lumped onto my plate because I had "time" but once I returned to work they remained on my plate... Plus children seem to have a whole world of admin - play dates, sports/ music classes, school events, clothes and shoes, haircuts, dentists, doctors, parties, presents, cards, it goes on.... which has always been on my plate.
So now my DH puts out the bins unprompted and that is pretty much it I have no idea how to get back to our happy state... he does ask me what he can do to "help" me but he hates being told what to do so he will end up doing everything but what I have said.

Can you make a list of all the tasks and have a discussion?

This is why so many women become hardcore feminists after having children.

Brideslave

This sounds very much like my experience. I think if we hadn't decided to rearrange things as we have done I would have either given up work myself or made a list and work out a fair distribution. I think in some ways working part time is harder than full time for the reasons you describe.

I have made a conscious effort to let him get on with it. I did provide handover notes(!) with key information and obviously I'll answer if he asks a question (not too many so far). But I'm mostly leaving him to it. He's the sort of person who'd prefer to be left to it anyhow.

Haireverywhere he is fairly organised. I've noticed he's been leaving himself notes to remind him what he needs to do (packed lunch for x, dinner money for y, z has Beavers...)

he's also much cleaner and tidier than me so that's great as the house was often filthy when I was in charge. He even apologised (slightly tongue in cheek) for the kitchen being a bit messy when I got home this evening (it wasn't that bad!)

I’m a lp so I have no other grown up to rely on. In past relationships though I was tired of being the responsible adult. It’s the constant expectation that the woman will do these things (I’ve also picked some really needy men!).
I have a new relationship (6 months). Not met my ex yet as too early but going really well. He has my house keys as he cat sits for me. I’d been unwell and lost the plot with the housework last week. He popped around whilst I was at work and did all my dishes and cleaned the kitchen just to give me a boost. He has also been here (whilst dd at my parents) and mucked I’m cleaning the living room while I did another household chore. On the rare occasion we’ve had a night together he turned up with all the food for a meal and cooked. I think I may have finally found a good one!

Dc not ex! 😆

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3082251-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-how-did-this-happen

The facilitated men thread - there’s a follow on one as well

Thanks Bowl,** I wasn't spending so much time on MN then so hadn't seen those threads. I'll have a read.

Sounds like a good team you've got there OP.

@WingsofXXSteel this is why I have, I didn’t really see it so clearly until I had kids, now it kicks me in the face daily

Brideslave, that is my experience too. In my case things definitely got noticeably worse about two years ago when I was made redundant. Now I work freelance from home and consequently I do absolutely everything. I do our finances, I do all the admin like insurance and council tax, I book holidays, I do everything to do with the kids and school or their extra-curricular activities (my son is very sporty and I also help with one of his clubs). Obviously I do all birthdays.
The irony is, I’m not very good at it (which actually makes it even more exhausting as I am constantly worrying i’ve missed something or forgotten things). Having a vagina doesn’t seem to help at all. Who knew?!

Completely agree with you op, I often fantasise about just going to work and doing nothing else! His days off are "days off" whereas mine are spent running about after everyone and doing general household admin. My brain is that full I often have trouble sleeping, worried I've forgotten to do something.

It does surprise me that people are saying they do all the finances.
Wasn't this traditionally the man's job?
I know my grandparent's generation, my grandad did everything financial - mortgage, insurance, banks, everything.
We used to see this as a bad thing because the man had all the power.
DH does most of our financial stuff because I hate doing it. He hates doing it too, of course, but he still does it.

Yy brideslave!! Same. We used to be equal pre kids. I wonder sometimes why I bothered with a masters and trying hard to get somewhere with work. My DH works long hours and earns more than I ever could so looks like this is the foreseeable future for me. I got the rage last week after trying to juggle school, toddler, work, with childminder on a fortnight holiday (I'm freelance so don't get paid hols as such) and had not stopped all week trying to manage it all. He rolls in and complains of being tired.

That drop the ball book might b e worth a read. I keep meaning to write down EVERYTHING I do over two weeks and then sit down with DH and talk o him about it (without getting the rage) and then split it a little more evenly.

Like I said my situation isn't as bad as some as at least it's just long hours meaning stuff falls to me rather than him refusing to do stuff or worse, going down the pub (don't even get me started ragey ragey friend been moaning about her layout man!) but still they need to realise how much is picked up by women. I think half the time they don't notice because it's just done.

lostlondoner I do recognise that DP and I are very fortunate to have very similar earning power.