Lurkers of FWR, pop in and say Hi!

[SophoclesTheFox]

I've just been reading this thread and I am utterly blown away by the number of women who say they are lurking here.

It's quite, quite wonderful to read that thread and I wanted to acknowledge it and roll out the red carpet if any of you wanted to post. I know it can feel a bit intimidating, like you have to have the right vocabulary, or some huge knowledge of feminist theory, but you don't.

Your words are valuable, and your unique view is important because together we're powerful!

We're also rude, funny, and most of all DISRESPECTFUL in all the ways that matter. Don't just lurk: join in you are very welcome.

Thank you arran
Bedtime reading sorted!

I lurk. As a child I hated the idea of growing up to be a woman, so tried to change into a man by shaving my face etc. I was 8 or 9 doing this. I'd be pushed for gender re-assignment for sure if that were to happen in a few years. Took me a few years to recognise I just didn't want to live my life as a submissive human, in the shadow of anyone who decided to have ownership of me. I try to live my life as I choose, but still learning the difference between my free choice and what I have been conditioned into.
But anyway, hello, and thank you

Hello brave and brilliant adult human females! Have been lurking every day for most of this year, and your incisive, rational discussions have helped me so much to clarify my own thoughts on many issues (not just the trans stuff).

As a former UK resident, now back in the US and suffering through the spectacle of the Kavanaugh nomination, the self-ID and trans activism stuff really strikes me as the flip side and mirror image of the conservative men's movement powering Trump and the Republican Party right now. Women have come too far, and must be put in our place again (with violence if necessary) to preserve the stability of the patriarchy. So many men on the left and right are enforcing this backlash, even if they don't see that they are doing it.

I really do see a lot of political developments of late (certainly the 2016 presidential election) through this lens. On the bright side, though, I am thoroughly moved by the courage and brains and outright heroism of the women on both sides of the pond coming together to stand up for our sex. When sexual assault survivor Maria Gallagher confronted Senator Jeff Flake on his way to the Judiciary Committee this week, she told him in this raw real emotional way that by voting to approve Kavanaugh "You're telling me that I don't matter...You're telling all women that they don't matter!" I think that's the crux of it. Women thought we had won the war to have our humanity recognized, but we're finding out lately that we won only some major battles, and the war is ongoing. Men on the left and the right are still debating, "Do women matter?"

Sorry for the novel of a first post. Apparently I had some things to get off my chest!

Yes Grinitch I agree. That this question is still being raised at the heart of these issues is astonishing.

I'm a daily lurker on here. I love reading all of the discussions, but I'm not ready to join in.
It's my little corner of sanity. I've learnt so much from all of the amazing women who post here, so thank you everyone :)

Mostly a lurker, have posted a few times but not much. I’m an ex lib-fem, this place has helped reassure me my doubts and eventual peak were not because i’m am evil bigot but because, despite my dalliances, I’m actually a rad-fem.

Hello. Delurking...

I’ve been following the debate closely for about a year now. I’d always been vaguely (and sympathetically) interested in trans people (seen plenty of documentaries) and just sort of believed the born in the wrong body stuff without thinking too hard about it. I was dimly aware of the T**F wars but didn’t really look into it. Then I read a Helen Saxby blog (which explained the difference between gender and sex) and seemed eminently sensible. Jenni Murray’s remarks seemed sensible.

Some of my friends got very into the new intersectional feminism and were doing a lot of signal boosting for inclusivity. They would say “listen to trans people” and I assumed they must be right so I read Paris and Shon and Sophie Cook and didn’t read a single persuasive thing. I read the Miller report and was surprised how narrow and flimsy it was. I was increasingly dismcomfited that a profound social change was being proposed with no public debate.

Then I read Maria Mc and Miranda Yardley and the threads here and I woke up.

One of the best things for me, personally, is really engaging, intellectually for the first time, with feminist thought and analysis. Also, I think the tide is turning.

I lurk and have found the debates and information fascinating and very illuminating, especially the gender and self ID threads. I often follow links such as tweets and YouTube videos and I find them very helpful in clarifying my position on things. I had never heard of Posie , Lily Madigan or Dr Harrop before coming on these boards. Like many others I guess I just assumed ‘trans’ meant that people were going to / already medically transitioned. I work in the public sector so I am reluctant to share these ideas at work. I think lots of small actions by the many can be effective and felt I did something small but positive just by unsubscribing from the Ocado marketing list last night.

I lurk mumsnet generally and the feminism boards everyday. Its one of the few places where open discussion of the GRA is being had. The feminism boards have helped me understand a lot of the issues, so thanks to all the amazing women working on this. I’m going to finish filling in the GRA consultation document this week.

That's what I do too Flourella! I didn't know it wasn't just me. I'm really quite outspoken and confident IRL so I don't know how to overcome it.

Hi

I’ve been posting on and off since the days of Dittany. I rarely post now because there are plenty of posters on here saying it better than I could.

I don't post much (lack of time and inspiration) but read this board daily. Have learned so much from so many knowledgeable women and try and help as much as I can in real life in terms of the GRA and feminism in general. Mostly it also helps me realise I'm not alone and for that I am so grateful

this is fabulous. I didn't know there were so many lurkers.

SmellyHead, I'm very shy in real life and thought when I signed up here that I'd find this easier, because of the anonymity and ability to review what I say before I say it. Turns out I'm even worse at talking to people online than I am in person. I can't seem to inject any personality into what I write either, and I swear I do have one!

But it's good to know that at least one person noticed me today.

Been lurking here most days since 2012, including the period where I did in fact flounce from MN. I never post here, you all say it so much better than I can. I am so grateful to all the posters here for educating me daily and validating my own feelings and responses to much of daily life. I shall now go back to my lurking state

You wonderful, wonderful women

for those of you who have not found it welcoming, I hear you. I'm sorry it's felt like that. Have you thought about trying the Feminist Pub thread? It's currently called "Dark and Stormies All Round" - you don't have to have anything particular to say to pop in there.

For those who have had a rough ride - I hear you too! I've had my arse handed to me on here before, too, and it smarts.

And for those who feel they're not heard: well, I think this thread is the living proof that that may not be true. People may not namecheck you, they may not quote you, but you can be sure that someone sitting behind a keyboard somewhere is nodding along because you've said it the way that they did.

Anyway, thank you thank you THANK YOU all for delurking. I am having all the feelings

Lurking and learning on FWR since the time of the fantastic Buffy. My DH says I'm addicted!

All the crazy events of the past week - especially the poster - have made me angry enough to need to start posting.

The wonderful disrespectful women posters on here have felt like my people for years. This place has an incredible sense of community, which has it's arms around the lurkers too.

Now I'm posting as well as reading I'll be even more hooked!

The BEST lesson I ever learned from years on various internet forums is the sheer number of people who lurk. And who silently agree but don't post themselves for whatever reason.

There is always SOMEONE.

As long as you remember this, and know not to take it personally if you say something thats challenged and know when to simply walk away from an argument rather than get sucked into the need 'to win' then its brilliant.

'Winning' the argument is simply about getting others to think, and to make up their own minds about something on their own terms. Its so much more valuable than getting the last word in.

People can see if you are fair, and they can see if you have a good argument for themselves. They don't need to be told what to think. They know when others are a dick to you and will be sympathetic.

Please, if you are a lurker, give it a go.

You won't always get it right. As I say, its not the point. The point is to get people thinking - even if they take what you say in a different way to the one you intend - it can have enormous value in adding to a debate.

The reality and truth of your experience is more valuable and powerful than you think.

Just talk.

Hi, thanks for the invite to post. I may not post again. I'm an academic in the USA and this is a forum for British mums so I wouldn't want to impose.

For me this journey really started when my husband identified as trans for a couple of years. I remember when I was first seeking support I went to the thread here as one of the only places where women with Transgender husbands were able to express any emotion other than complete support. At the time I must admit I was turned off by the "shocking levels of transphobia" on display - which now I realize weren't transphobia, but the valid experiences of abused and gaslit women.

Seeing how miserable my husband was during that time made me empathize with Trans women but not in the way I think trans activists would have wanted... It made me increasingly angry that men and women are both so smothered by gendered socialization that they feel they have to violate their own bodies in order to cope. It's clear as day that men and women with mental health issues are turning to Transgender as a holy grail to fix all their problems - because indeed that's how it's sold in all the online "support" communities.

As I scientist I'm horrified that medical best practice in this area is in no way supported by longitudinal research studies following the outcome of individuals identifying as transgender - but rather by what the loudest are shouting. At best we have retrospective studies which are always biased by who chooses to respond and the bias to justify ones' choices. No one seems to be proposing these study designs despite them being best practice in the field.

Anyway... I will always teach my students that sex is male=small gametes and female=large gametes while gender has nothing to do with biology but is a cultural category (used to control people). If that makes people feel bad... I honestly do empathize given how close I am personally to the issue but I'm afraid that I can't change the reality of life.

Thanks for being awesome.

Virgin post.

Registered last night, but lurking for ages.

I have learned so much from you people (and from my mid 20's DD who opened my eyes and sent me here about a year ago).

Thank you. Just thank you.

I’m on a name change at the moment as there’s a thread I want to post without being outed but I’ve been lurking a while. I’m getting more sickened by the day by the world right now. Heartened by all the women fighting against the current madness.

👋

Lurking and learning has given me the confidence to wear this. Thanks all.

FWRLurker, I for one enjoyed reading your post, and I don't think where you live matters. I think 'sisterhood' is worldwide.

I lurk mostly and post occasionally. I read and agree with most of what’s said Re feminist rights and how to try and influence policy and change. I wish had time to read and post more but sadly I don’t!