Find it so bloody rude

[tryingtotakeitonthechin]

Not entirely sure this is in the correct section, so apologies if not...
But just had a visit from our big boss.
There’s myself and a man that run our business. I’ve been here longer, know more and perform better than my colleague (nothing against him, but he’s only been in the job a few weeks compared to my years so expect he’ll get there eventually)
So I’m in a different location now, with a new boss who I’ve never met before and I’m still bloody reeling from how he made me feel.
He comes in and shakes my male colleagues hand, totally ignores me.
Eventually he asks me to make the drinks, fair enough, I did.
Then he starts asking about things that happened a few weeks ago, before male colleague started in the business, so I’ve briefly answered these questions, then every single time the boss has turned his back on me and taken the conversation forward with my male colleague.
Me and male colleague are both equal.
He’s directed every single question to male colleague and when I’ve tried to speak to mention anything he’s talked over me.
He then asks male colleague to sit down and go through paperwork with him. Paperwork that I have completed entirely on my own, and colleague doesn’t know anything about as he’s not been in the job long enough to know our record systems.
Then he goes to leave, shakes male colleagues hand, nods a goodbye to me.
THEN he has the cheek to send an email to say that it seemed a bit “tetchy” in the office today and to ask if there was any reason why it was so uncomfortable visiting today.
Never in my life have I experienced this before.
It’s made me really cross!

That's appalling. Can you put in a complaint to HR? Did your male colleague not bother pointing out that he knew sweet FA about the paperwork as he hadn't been in post long?

I'd be furious with both of them

And being asked to make the drinks! Ffs, is this 1974?!

Bloody hell OP!!! What’s your plan?

I’m annoyed with both of them.
Annoyed with colleague taking the glory of everything when not a single thing was achieved by him.
We’ve done really well work wise lately, but not blowing my own trumpet, 95% was due to me.
Annoyed that he didn’t bother to mention that it was my file that I had spent hours doing.
Annoyed by big boss who totally ignored me as I was a woman as he wanted to talk men’s stuff by the look of it.
There was loads of banter about football and sports etc afterwards with lots of handshakes and patting each other on the back.
I probably did just stand there looking pissed off, so it’s obv my fault that it felt uncomfortable in the office 🙄

OP, I’m really sorry that you had this episode of time travel to the 1970’s.
It’s appalling that this shit can still happen.
Please get some assertiveness training. You could have simply refused to make the drinks, and told your junior colleague to get them.
You could have taken the paperwork away from your colleague and said firmly that it was your project and your colleague wasn’t employed when it was written and knows nothing about it.
I think you need to ditch the nice fluffy compliant little woman role and get angry. If you go along with the shit and just fume afterwards, it will go on indefinitely. This man’s next visit, he will assume you are the same junior tea maker, and address your colleague again - unless you take ownership of the situation firmly.

It was genuinely like I had stepped back in time.
I’m more annoyed that now he’s complained of a “tetchy” atmosphere. Of course it was tetchy, I was ignored and treated like crap. I was nothing but polite to him though.
And the scariest thing is, that he wasn’t a 65 year old man, who may have worked in the 1970’s, but a man who was maybe late 30s/early 40s.
Didn’t think this attitude existed anymore.
Unsure what my plan is. I obviously need to stand my ground a bit more next time.
I was just in shock to be honest!

Channel your assertive woman!
Maybe respond back to the email saying something like:
'Wasn't aware of any tetchiness. I was surprised that you spoke at length to colleague about paperwork as I had completed all the files that you looked at. I assumed that you would want to discuss them with me at some stage as they were all my work. Maybe you mistook my surprise for being 'tetchy'? (or something similar).

Babdoc is right.

As he's asking though I would send him your summary of the meeting. He was unacceptable and he's managed to pick up a sense of that so take the opportunity to give him the feedback he's asked for or he won't change.

I'm in HR by the way. If you came to HR with this I would tell you I'm going to have to repeat all this to him word for word to get anyway, there is no indirect route to dealing with this.

Currently on a lunch break.
Colleague has replied to the email as it was to the office email address.
He just replied saying we have had a busy few days which may explain if there was a feeling of techiness in the office as we’ve been stressed and that it was good to see him.
It WASN’T good to see him. He was a horrible man.

He is asking, the door is open. Tell him!

I don’t like causing a scene.
I said to my colleague about me finding him difficult and that I felt like I was ignored and my colleague just nodded and smiled. He knows exactly what happened earlier.
I’m upset with the pair of them.
Luckily we only see big boss every 6 weeks.

Explain what you've said here. What's the point sulking about it when you can point out exactly what went wrong?

trying could you use his email as an opportunity to put your point across. He's the one asking the question about why things felt tetchy.

Maybe something like:

It's interesting that you mentioned the atmosphere in the office today. As you are aware, I have been with for years, whereas my colleague joined in * . On arrival you only acknowledged my colleague. You then directed questions at him concerning a time before his employment. I was the only one in a position to answer, and yet you declined to enter into any conversation with me. My colleague then went through paperwork prepared entirely by myself with you. My contribution was never sought, and in fact actively discouraged. In my experience it's difficult to foster a good working relationship in such circumstances.

Obviously you really just want to call him a sexist rude bastard !

Then do something about it. You can't expect your colleague to fight your battle for you - this is yours! Do not be a passive observe of your own oppression.

And frankly women not wanting to cause a scene is how men (NAMALT but many are) get away with shit like this.

Did your new colleague not even feel awkward?
This is real time travel, I would expect every single person I've ever worked with (almost) to turn round and say "sorry, but it's trying's work actually".
Like others said, he's offered the opportunity to respond, so take it!

Yes, take the emotion out of it, and simply feedback your observations

You believe he treated you differently and less respectfully than a male colleague, no handshake on arrival, no handshake on departure, he assumed your work was a male colleague's, he discussed your work with that colleague, he side-lined you in the conversations. Ask him if he knows the colleague is new and therefore the less experienced of the two of you? Write privately rather than all staff emailing. Don't be scared.

Update your CV and find something better, is my advice.

I will come up with some sort of reply later.
I’m just worried about making it an awkward working relationship.
I kind of think that in this day and age you shouldn’t have to point out that you’re upset that you were treated differently because you were a woman.
This sort of thing used to happen when I was 16/17 at work, but I just put it down to being younger and the bosses ignoring me because of my age.
This is definitely not the case now though, as I’m 10 years older than male colleague.
Pissed me off that I could hear colleague being congratulated for good work too and patted on the back when he doesn’t even know how to do the work.

He 100% knows the colleague is new as he asked how he was settling in!
But still ignored me, sidelined me, and made me feel like shit.

Just seen your updates OP. You really need to enlighten him. Already your male colleague is lying to him to keep him sweet. If you don't say anything it will happen again in 6 weeks time.

What's the worst that could happen ? He asked a question, you're telling him the answer. Your colleague has already lied, but don't worry about him. He could have behaved professionally in the meeting, deferred to you and said this is OPs work, you need to discuss it with her. But he didn't, he was weak and colluded and is only thinking about himself.

You need to do the same. Telling someone politely that they were unprofessional is not a sackable offence.

Have your say OP, and don't let your male colleague speak for you again. Reply to boss's email yourself - nicenewdusters has written a great example of what you can say. Make your voice heard

YOU won't be causing anything... you will be responding to HIS unprofessional behaviour - both of them actually!

Assholes!

I'd tackle this OP, and try to nip it in the bud before your new colleague completely does a number on you.

He was almost as responsible as the boss if he just nodded along and ignored you.

I've frequently observed this handshake thing over the years. I do think its the hangover form women only being in a room to take minutes and make tea and therefore not actually in the meeting so not in need of a greeting as a full member of humanity.

I find often women don't expect their hand to be shaken either, (although this is becoming less the case) and offer only a limp hand if approached.

I now get up and assertively walk round a room shaking everyone's hand pretty firmly saying my name to make a point! I have a lot of meetings. I recommend it, it changes the tone.

Op. This is where we are so conditioned. You're worrying about making it an awkward working relationship. That ship's sailed, Mr Ego has already done that for you. He's been incredibly rude, sexist, spiteful and unprofessional.

When was he worrying about the relationship? When he ignored you? When he was bantering about football with the other wally?

This will sit with you, wind you up, make you dread seeing him. But you've done nothing. The reason this is still happening is because women are taught to be nice, to worry about other people's feelings.

Next meeting. You take the lead. Hello Mr Ego. Wally, can you get us three coffees please. Right, what do you need to ask me?