Teddy I see how you're struggling with this and I do understand that it can feel complex and nuanced - especially when you know individual trans and NB people
who simply want respect for being who they are without discrimination and abuse.
My own young adult child is trans. I still think that she's my daughter - I gave birth to her and know the factual truth of that statement.
She was raised as a female, and identified as one for 20 years. Perhaps if she'd felt unhappy being a girl from a young age I might feel different. But probably not.
To me, transmen are still women. Not socially, and not in their own minds of course. But all the surgery and hormones in the world will not make them actual men.
So the truth is they are trans people. The same applies to transwomen. It is sad and unfortunate that transpeople cannot actually change sex - and for some we know this is exceptionally challenging.
However, natal women should not be expected to budge up and make room for transpeople regardless of the consequences. And there are many many reasons most of us don't want to.
Not because we are afraid that transpeople per se are dangerous and will harm us, but because we have sex-segregated spaces to protect women and girls from men who wish to cause harm. And, also importantly, to provide a space where women and girls' dignity and privacy can be upheld.
I would personally like to see trans/NB people thinking about the wider issues themselves a bit more and helping to come
up with some solutions. We live in this world together, and it's important to work for the benefit of all, even if that's personally challenging. My own child will not engage and has cut off all contact. This is the legacy of #no debate.
Aside from personal identity, trans ideology is a multi layered and complicated business. There are so many different aspects to think about - many of which are deeply troubling and of concern.
It's definitely important that we don't roll everything up into one issue or that we stop thinking and caring about the individuals who are at the heart of this. But as women, and as part of a responsible society, we must have boundaries. Without them we are lost.
We must protect transpeople from discrimination and harm
and respect their valid concerns and feelings. But we can't promote this one small group over 51% of the population, not when there is so much at risk - not when actual women throughout the world face sexism, inequality, oppression, abuse, violence and misogyny every day due to their actual biology.
The vast majority of women are unable to identify out of the sex into which they've been born - they just have to get on with it, regardless of what society, men and biology throws at them. My own child has the structures, provision and support systems in place to be able to transition - some would say that is due to first world privilege and I wouldn't disagree.
I know how hard it is to hold 2 very differing viewpoints inside - it's cost me a lot in terms of my
own mental and physical health. But this is what we're all struggling with on these boards.
If we didn't care about trans people you'd soon know it. It's because we care so much, especially about actual women and girls (whether they still identify as such or not), that we come here day after day to read, absorb, think and learn.
It's emotional labour and it's exhausting. But we're doing it because we believe that 'woman' means something and don't want to lose the means of identifying our own selves - and risking all the consequences that will inevitably come from that.