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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

About feminism, sexuality and porn culture

41 replies

LOrions · 05/09/2018 10:11

Hello!

My name is L and I have something to share.
This week I had a sexual experience, which made me re-think my approach to men.
I got on the second date with this guy, we had a wonderful first and second date. And I was rather turned on, so we got to it.
The sex was really bad, but I put up with it for two reasons: 1. because I really wanted it as well, wanted it to be good, but you know the old saying sex is like pizza, when it's good, it's great, when it's bad, it's still pretty ok. 2. To not hurt his self-esteem.
Now what do I mean with bad sex. The dude didn't pay attention to my needs, I told him multiple times to take it easy and to slow down, but he didn't. In the end I was hurt and bruised. I felt like in a porn, like a mean to an end.
I talked with my girlfriends about it and they told me it's pretty normal that the woman doesn't finish during sex and I should get used to it and they told me they never experienced a g-spot orgasm.
Which is a very demeaning attitude from men to women and from women to women.
I know that's not right, because I already had experienced a mind-blowing sex with a guy that payed attention to my needs and took good care of me. Before him I had to put up with this porn sex, because I never knew any better. I didn't know that we are aloud to finish during sex as well.
This attitude of men doing everything it takes to get in bed and than just having their way is just heart-breaking.
I wrote the guy a text telling him what I told you: that he hurt me and that there won't be any third date, because I don't trust him.
I know I am right...
But I feel so very alone right now. I am afraid of looking what the guy wrote back. I feel weak. I feel like a coward to not being able to speak up early on the spot or at least on the phone. But that was the maximum I was capable of.
My goal of writing this is to get some support in my opinion.
Which is women deserve to have as much as pleasure as men in bed and should not be treated like an object, with their needs ignored, so that the men can have their pleasure.
And we shouldn't be settling for putting up with it for any reason.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experience in this matter.
Smile

OP posts:
DieAntword · 05/09/2018 10:18

My husband always waits till I finish before finishing himself. Don’t let them tell you otherwise, they’re completely in control of it.

AllDayBreakfast · 05/09/2018 10:49

As a guy, I think this just points to the man in question being selfish. Just like how some people in the supermarket will let you go in front if you have only a can of coke, while others will make you stand and watch them unload a whole trolley.

AllDayBreakfast · 05/09/2018 10:51

But lots of girls can't orgasm from penetration so I understand the comments from your friends. It's about finding other means - hope you aren't offended by a guy commenting.

Original poster
LOrions · 05/09/2018 11:01

It's about being selfish... You are right. Thanks for the answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
LOrions · 05/09/2018 11:07

You are right, I can understand it too, I was like that before too. But here is the thing. There is nothing physically wrong with those girls who cannot come from sex. There is no "can't" come, there is "don't" come. That is what I will not agree to, that this is the way it is and I should find other means. I also don't understand what you are saying in finding other means. What do you mean by that?
I am not offended by a guy commenting, but more true to my feelings I am confused and irritated by your comment, which I was to the same degree when it came from my girlfriends.

OP posts:
Original poster
LOrions · 05/09/2018 11:08

DieAntword : Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
Awayfromitall · 05/09/2018 11:10

Advice from an, ahem, possibly slightly older woman: get a few more dates under your belt before you have sex. Orgasm through penetration is possible and the fact that it doesn't happen for some people shouldn't be an excuse for selfishness. Our bodies change as we age.
It sounds like you know what you like and what you need - things will work out better next time. You deserve and you will find a better lover. Don't be ashamed of yourself. Wish you all the best.

NorthEndGal · 05/09/2018 11:15

There are some women who don't /cant/never have been able to come from piv sex. That OK, there are other ways to orgasm.
Not OK to miss out on the orgasm all together though!
I've had plenty of experience, and never came across a man that didn't want me to come first. I know there are not as nice guys out there, but I guess I've been lucky.

Original poster
LOrions · 05/09/2018 11:21

Awayfromital I get to that conclusion as well, I will not be too hasty next time. I needed to hear that, at that point I get a bit sad that I will never meet someone who can make me happy. Thank you for the support.

OP posts:
Original poster
LOrions · 05/09/2018 11:23

NorthEndGal Thanks for the message. I need to know that there are others out there. He was selfish, I can see it more clearly now.

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 05/09/2018 11:40

Don’t date men who watch porn.

It might seem like they don’t exist, but they do, I promise.

CardsforKittens · 05/09/2018 11:45

If you told him to slow down and he didn't, that's not merely selfish. It's abusive.

I think there's nothing wrong with having sex on the first or second date, or within minutes of meeting someone, but it's best to figure out in advance whether a man is likely to be controlling or manipulative in bed. Check for red flags before you decide to be alone with him.

Sorry you had a crap time. Lots of men are awful in bed because they don't see women as people. But there are some decent men out there too.

Original poster
LOrions · 05/09/2018 11:55

CardsforKittens, it is isn't it? Damn... So, I am completely right to behave the way I do. Even more than right, absolutely entitled to. There is nothing wrong per se in sleeping on the first second, I think so too, but I guess my intuition is a bit off, that's why I came to the conclusion that I will have to wait more next time.
Red flags? I guess I should think about it more...

OP posts:
Original poster
LOrions · 05/09/2018 12:03

BettyDuMonde They do exist? Really? I truly hope so.

OP posts:
MagicMix · 05/09/2018 12:22

Um, yeah if he hurt you and ignored your explicit instructions to slow down, that goes beyond selfish. Yes, he treated you like an object for his own sexual pleasure. Your friends' responses are heartbreaking. God, some people set such low bars for men, especially when it comes to sexual behaviour.

Too many people see heterosexual sex as something that men do TO women, rather than something that men and women can do TOGETHER. If a man rarely or never orgasmed from sex, he would see that as a problem (and so would his female partner) and be trying to fix it. But somehow if a woman hardly ever comes that is normal and she should get used to it because sex isn't for her, it's for the man. And then if she's got a really nice partner, he'll finish her off orally or manually as a favour.

I don't know the truth of the idea that many women are UNABLE to orgasm from penetrative sex. I will say that I too had a similar experience to you - bad sex with men who thought only of themselves led to me thinking that maybe I was one of those apparently MANY women who were simply physically unable to orgasm from penetration. Surprise, surprise, when I then slept with a man who listened to me, cared about my pleasure and allowed me to control pace, angle, depth of penetration - yes, I can orgasm every single time. I suspect that at least some of the women who 'can't' orgasm from PIV actually just can't come from being jackhammered.

Don't blame yourself or your intuition for this experience. He was not a nice man, to put it mildly, and that's entirely on him.

DieAntword · 05/09/2018 13:08

BettyDuMonde They do exist? Really? I truly hope so.

I thought it was weird my husband didn’t watch porn when I met him. He was offended I expected him to. I don’t think it’s as ubiquitous as it’s users try and make us feel.

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 05/09/2018 13:12

Don’t date men who watch porn

Completely agree. I can tell a poem user from first time sex and I wouldn't bother with a second. Admittedly, It narrows the dating pool bit the sex is definitely worth it.

Sex makes men shit and lazy 'lovers.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 05/09/2018 13:21

If you tell someone to stop or slow down, they need to listen to you. You're absolutely right to cut off this guy. That is non-consensual sex. I hope you're okay, LOrions.

AllDayBreakfast · 05/09/2018 13:22

What I meant by 'other ways' is that a couple usually need to figure out what works for both of them. If you can't come from normal penetration then he needs to do something else - but many guys will happily carry on if you don't say anything and they are getting their satisfaction (although decent guys should communicate with you).

Gncq · 05/09/2018 13:24

I would have done exactly the same thing as you. Told the guy no more dates.
What I would NOT have done is then feel sad worried and lonely (the feelings you have described in your op). I would be happy to go looking for a different man.
Don't put up with someone crap in bed!

MagicMix · 05/09/2018 13:28

Just like how some people in the supermarket will let you go in front if you have only a can of coke, while others will make you stand and watch them unload a whole trolley.

P.S. As a human being I think comparing a woman being physically hurt by a man who then ignored her instructions to slow down to having to wait a bit longer in a supermarket queue is quite staggeringly callous.
If he was causing her pain in a non-sexual context and refused to stop I think you'd be able to see that.

Gncq · 05/09/2018 13:28

I don't think op has trouble reaching orgasm through "normal penetration" she had trouble with a man who ignored her basic requests. I wouldn't trust someone like that going down on me!

MagicMix · 05/09/2018 13:32

but many guys will happily carry on if you don't say anything

She did say something.

GoodNewsTwo · 05/09/2018 13:37

My partner watches porn. He also makes me orgasm 95% of the time, and the 5% where he doesn't is usually because I'm struggling because I'm in a funny mood or we haven't had sex in a while and it's just painful watching him struggle not to cum.

I don't think porn is always an excuse. I think it is a lot about the individual too. You told him to slow down, and he didn't. That would be a red flag for me. I've only slept with a handful of men however never once felt like I wasn't listened to.

Porn may have a small influence on his behaviour however I don't think the majority of men who do watch porn (which is probably most men) would behave like this.

DieAntword · 05/09/2018 13:40

@GoodNewsTwo do you feel uncomfortable about the fact your partner watches porn given that there’s very little guarantee of the level of consent (and to be honest online... often even if there is consent at all)?