About feminism, sexuality and porn culture

[LOrions]

Hello!

My name is L and I have something to share.
This week I had a sexual experience, which made me re-think my approach to men.
I got on the second date with this guy, we had a wonderful first and second date. And I was rather turned on, so we got to it.
The sex was really bad, but I put up with it for two reasons: 1. because I really wanted it as well, wanted it to be good, but you know the old saying sex is like pizza, when it's good, it's great, when it's bad, it's still pretty ok. 2. To not hurt his self-esteem.
Now what do I mean with bad sex. The dude didn't pay attention to my needs, I told him multiple times to take it easy and to slow down, but he didn't. In the end I was hurt and bruised. I felt like in a porn, like a mean to an end.
I talked with my girlfriends about it and they told me it's pretty normal that the woman doesn't finish during sex and I should get used to it and they told me they never experienced a g-spot orgasm.
Which is a very demeaning attitude from men to women and from women to women.
I know that's not right, because I already had experienced a mind-blowing sex with a guy that payed attention to my needs and took good care of me. Before him I had to put up with this porn sex, because I never knew any better. I didn't know that we are aloud to finish during sex as well.
This attitude of men doing everything it takes to get in bed and than just having their way is just heart-breaking.
I wrote the guy a text telling him what I told you: that he hurt me and that there won't be any third date, because I don't trust him.
I know I am right...
But I feel so very alone right now. I am afraid of looking what the guy wrote back. I feel weak. I feel like a coward to not being able to speak up early on the spot or at least on the phone. But that was the maximum I was capable of.
My goal of writing this is to get some support in my opinion.
Which is women deserve to have as much as pleasure as men in bed and should not be treated like an object, with their needs ignored, so that the men can have their pleasure.
And we shouldn't be settling for putting up with it for any reason.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experience in this matter.

I agree that porn use doesn't necessarily turn a man into an awful sexual partner. I also think it's one of the weakest arguments against porn (the very weakest being that it might effect the poor wanker's own sexual pleasure and potency).

The main problem with porn is the fact that it's an industry built in large part on the exploitation and rape of vulnerable women. It's not like everything's fine and dandy as long as everyone is still happy and satisfied in your own personal sex life. People who watch porn are either deeply ignorant or have a fundamental disrespect for women, whether conscious or unconscious, as if they thought for 10 seconds honestly about what it is that they are actually witnessing it should horrify them, not turn them on.

*affect

Sorry typing too fast.

do you feel uncomfortable about the fact your partner watches porn given that there’s very little guarantee of the level of consent (and to be honest online... often even if there is consent at all)?

Exactly. This was the cold, sickening realisation that made me stop watching porn. I deeply regret ever having done so. It did negatively affect me and my attitudes towards sex, but my regret stems from the fact that my choices condoned the rape of other women. I claim ignorance but it's not much of an excuse.

MagicMix Thanks for the support. That is true. He did trick me. I feel much better reading your opinion.
ScrimshawTheSecond Thanks, I am fine. I need empowerment to not put up with shit like this in the future. The problem is that I don't get much support from my friends, who have accepted the role of a woman being seen as a mean to an end. Also, I would say it was abusive sex, rather than non-consensual, because I really wanted to, just not in this way. I don't feel raped, I feel hurt.
AllDayBreakfast I don't think you understood me. I said it already. I can come from being penetrated. And I did say something, a lot of times. Both are a fact, there is no "if". There really is a gap with communication between men and women. Yeah, I don't feel offended that you are a men, but I am offended that you didn't read what I wrote down and communicated something quite irrelevant to it. That is the issue here, not your gender.
MagicMix I understand, that is true. It is a stupid comparison.
Gncq No, the orgasm part is really not the problem.
Getting an orgasm is important to me, but it is not the goal, my goal is to share an intimate moment with a partner, and if an orgasm comes, than fantastic, woohoo, the universe explodes and all that jazz. If not, still pretty good.
What I need is to have more self-worth and to empower myself more.
I need to be able to stand for myself and to give full validation of my feelings.
The only man that commented here, also put me down, by not paying attention to what I wrote down and to comparing my situation to a supermarket. Now, that is not okay! Not okay at all!

MagicMix I don't think you should regret it, though. I mean, we are all doing our best in this society, which is let be honest, a bit fucked up. And sure, ignorance is not an excuse, but it is an explanation. The most important thing is that you grew and realized it. We all made mistakes in the past, the most important thing is how we learn from them and if we let us define us now.
I also watched porn, when I was a teen and I do believe that it played quite a bad part on my self-worth. But we grow and learn from our experiences, both good and bad.
So that is why I also don't regret being with that jerk. Miskates do happen.

GoodNewsTwo
Hm... I see your point. I don't have much experience in this, nor do I have someone to talk to about it, that is why I reached out here.
I just hope I can learn from this experience and never have it again.

@DieAntword doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Can I ask why?

I am still pretty anxious about reading that guy's response...
Is someone there right now with whom I can share what is happening?

If you don't want to read his response, don't. You don't owe him a chance to explain himself or try to change your mind. I mean, hopefully it would just be an apology but I think we all know the chances of that are low as he doesn't appear to respect women's boundaries that much.

You don't want to see him again, you've told him why. Nothing he can say will change the outcome here. He can choose to learn from the information you gave him or not. Just delete his response. I understand this will be easier said than done but don't let yourself be drawn into a discussion of whether your feelings are valid or not. Know that they are valid.

If you don’t want to see him again, delete AND block!

This person has no power over you.

Be kind to yourself. The universe has better in store.

Thanks, I just read it. I needed to know what he wrote.
It was an overall nice response with an apology and an excuse and
wanting to stay friends.
I blocked him. Fuck that guy!
It's over.
Thank you very much for the support.
I feel much better now.

Thank you all so much for the support!
You are all wonderful!
I am so happy that I live in the 21 century.
Hurray for globalization and the internet!!!
How a few kind words and guidance from strangers can do wonders!

I still feel a bit sad, lonely and hurt, but those feelings are fading away.
I am hopeful that I could find someone some day. And even if I don't, I will still be okay.

High five, sister!

Life is too short to waste it on shitty boyfriends 😘

True that!!!

I don't want to get into the whole porn thing again but I do think that one problem with porn is that it is rapidly turning into a major source of cultural information about what sex typically looks like

Except obviously that's not what sex looks like and definitely isn't what good sex from a female point of view looks like. We need to talk about this a lot, if not to help idiot men understand that hammer-and-tongs piv isn't going to win them any sex awards then definitely to help young women understand that they shouldn't have to put up with this shit.

Good for you OP, first for ditching him, then for explaining to him why he was ditched, and finally for starting a conversation about it.

@TallulahWaitingInTheRain Thanks for the support.
The whole problem is very complex.
In our society sex is a taboo, so there is rarely a honest conversation about it. So, it is normal, albeit very misfortune that porn is the main source for sex education. It is very absurd. We spent so much time improving all of our others hobbies and professions, we go to cooking classes or practice sport rigorously, because we know that we are not born cooks and athletes. This comes with learning and communication. But not with sex, there is this silent misconception, that in this area we are born with all knowledge and we do not need to improve or change... Which is well, just wrong.
Both genders suffer from that. Sure, women suffer more than men (we always suffer more), so for men as well this way of making porn sex cannot compare with the satisfaction of a shared ecstasy and prolonged pleasure, coming from the true connections and synchronicity of two bodies.
An honest and open conversation brings benefits to all.
I am starting to slowly change that on my part, it is still very challenging.
But it gets easier thanks to your support.
Once again thank you all!

PS: I haven't changed my mind about that guy. I don't blame him, he is the victim of his time, but that's an explanation, not an excuse. This chapter is closed for ever. No second chances.
I do have some lingering hurt feelings, but I see things a bit clearly now, which is the silver lining.