An epiphany.

[FloralBunting]

I'm having a bit of bad time of it. I've got a virus, and have been knocked for six with it. Thankfully I have some days off work so I don't need to worry about that, but there is still the house to run. EldestBunting has gone away with friends, and the others are all milling about the house with friends because it's still the summer hols.

As I am laying in bed, near the toilet and slipping in and out of a feverish sleep, running through my head is the pressing need to get new school shirts, be well in time to go back to work, the pile of washing overflowing the basket, what everyone is going to eat this week, and a hundred other things that need attention as well as ongoing emotional support for everyone.

I am ill, really poorly, and it occurs to me that I have spent so many hours of my life tending to ill people; losing sleep, being inconvenienced, providing care and company - and here I am alone, in desperate need of a bath and a clean bedsheet, and I am having to bang on the bedroom floor to get DPs attention because I don't have the strength to do those things.

He gets pissy because he was watching sport and he'd already had to make tea and wash up.

I feel like crying, and I know that's just a daft pity party, but days like this really bring home to me the load I carry, and it would've so pleasant to not have to beg for someone to nurture me.

I'm not asking to be the centre of the universe, really I'm not. I know I am incredibly privileged as a woman on a world scale, and even in my own country. One of my personality traits is to be nurturing and kind. It's probably the best thing about me. But it sticks so far in my craw that this is put down to me being a woman, and therefore all this shit is heaped on me and I'm expected to put myself last, at all times.

I tell you, visiting FWR and seeing so many women tell their oppressors to fuck right off in creative, blunt, honest ways, is such a refuge right now. Women's rights matter, Feminism matters. And I am a Feminist.

Floral. Have a cuddle from me

U not last here. U first 🍹🍹

Hug from me too ((()))

It's pretty shitty realising that your genuine suffering isn't even acknowledged & you realise your efforts aren't even noticed. Worse when you feel like crap too.

I am so sorry you are ill.
Do you have anyone you can call on to come over and tote your barge and lift your bale, and throw the bums out?
It is devastating to realize that our family members view us as servants that should never have any needs.
I had that same epiphany after Family promised the doctor they would take care of me if I was let out of hospital early, unable to walk. Nope.

I think you should tell your OH how you feel

It was the clearly expressed resentment and begrudging that hurt the most, I think.

Aw Floral that's crap. And very familiar. I hope you feel better much quicker than you admit, and that you have a wee rest before doing it all for everybody again. Men are selfish gits, even the good ones.

Hope you get better soon

I had a similar epiphany recently when I was sick (not as bad as you, but bad enough for me to spend the day sleeping, which is how I knew I really was sick). DH seemed to want a medal for taking the kids to school and back and seemed surprised that I hadn't cooked dinner or even thought about what we were going to have.

So sorry to hear you are so unwell and are being so neglected. No suggestions sorry - but hope someone else in your home has an epiphany - how much you carry!

It's only when we're too ill to get out of bed that we realise how much we do for everyone and how little they do in return. My sympathies.

Hugs to you Floral 💐

Hoping you feel better very soon.

Aw Floral
I feel ur pain. I have to do the banging on the floor thing too. Its good to get it off your chest though so to speak.

for you. I think you need to stop doing certain tasks. They are your dp's jobs from now on. Stand your ground.

Oh Floral . Your P is an arse but yes of course partly it's the patriarchy / toxic masculinity which tells him he deserves a medal for doing tea / washing up when hes still putting his entertainment before looking after you when you're ill.

I've been in this situation too. I know many women who have. And there is such a world of difference between being on your own in this situation (I lived alone for a while too) and being with someone who could take care of you if they wanted but choose not to / don't even see that you need help. I do remember clearly at one point after my second c section asking H to pick something up for me and him basically saying I needed a carer if I couldn't do that for myself (I think because I had the temerity to take longer than my allotted 6 weeks recovery time). It was really upsetting.

I wish i was there to feminist at your P until looking after you would be the vastly preferable option

I wish you a speedy recovery

Oh love! I hear you!

I've had days when I was out of it and the guilt of not being able to deal with food, shopping etc. And then magnified if himself was being a martyr by the trauma of locating the mayonnaise etc.

Although, I've discovered that I should just hold the line. I'm not indulging stereotypes or nonsensical male inability to find things in fridge (3 males, none - apparently - can ever move a ketchup bottle to discover the invisible mustard) and remarkably, on those occasions they don't starve. If they enter my sick room I throw things at them until they retreat. It's tough love and they are all more adorable now for it.

I understand your epiphany and feel sad as I have had the same one too!

Currently with a cold that has resulted in a hacking cough that will not leave Not sleeping well but still caring after kids- cooking, cleaning, getting school shoes etc etc etc etc

I want to go to Mauritius for two weeks r & r.
for you & when you feel better

Poor you. Hope the rest of the family don't succumb while you are still in need of a bit of care. Dig in and let them learn to do it for themselves a little bit while you enjoy a bit of peace upstairs.

Have you read Wifework by Susan Maushart?
Not exactly light reading for the sick bed but there's some perspective to be gained from reading it when you're in the mood.

OP I'm with you. I think this every time I'm sick. When I was a kid being (not too) sick was almost fun as I lay in bed and my mum would bring me up liquids and loving forehead feels.

But now it's shit.

Thank you lovelies! One thing I am doing is being very, very different from the 'surrendered wife' type I used to be, so yes, the suggestions to tell him and actually require stuff to be done are well noted.

Although he did make me laugh - I insisted that all the kids go downstairs with their friends/boyfriends because I was naked and ill and felt vulnerable. I said "D'you know what I mean?" and he replied "No, I don't think I do, which is probably because I'm a bloke."

I'm pushing forward with the education, but one of things which has so solidified me to be able to say definitively 'I am a Feminist' is that he is slowly responding to this stuff I'm telling him, but if I stopped, he wouldn't pursue it at all. Which is why I'm firmly on the side of men not calling themselves feminists, tbh.

Anyway, thank you all again. I shall try and get some sleep now.

and and virtual clean sheets sweetheart

Get better first. When you're back on your feet it will be time to worry about a) school shirts and b) how explain to your dp you're a human being just like him.

Earlier this year I was really really sick - 2 weeks in hospital and then when I came home, barely able to walk or wash myself, I developed bells palsy which totally knocked me for six. I could not eat, see or talk properly, and was so weak that I couldn't function at all for about a month. DH was fantastic and totally took care of me, the kids and the house.

However, over the last 20 years there have been many other occasions when I've been laid up for a few days here and there and he was been totally fucking useless. I too have laid in a sweaty bed in pain thinking to myself that I could be dead up here and he wouldnt notice until he came to bed himself. There was one particular time after an operation on my leg and arm that he slept in the spare room so as not to disturb me, but he didnt set the alarm for my pain relief and I couldn't wake him up so had to go downstairs on my bum in the middle of the night to get them.

When the chips were really down and I was very sick he was great, but it had to get to that point for him to step up. You are correct, the level of care I got when I was very sick, everyone else in this house gets when they get a bloody cold.

the suggestions to tell him and actually require stuff to be done are well noted but having to tell them you need basic things that any normal semi-functional human being should know about and be able to do on their own initiative (like providing fluids, pain meds, thermometer) is an additional mental load and it's so draining when you're ill (and quite tiring in my experience even when you're fine).

Hope you get rest and DP steps up without you having to micromanage.

Oh Floral huge hug
Wish I was there to say do you have something to drink? Is there anything you need? Have you taken meds?can i run a bath or shower for you to take while I change the sheets & set out the comfy set of PJs? 😊
I hope you have slept a healing sleep 🌻🌼🌸🌺

My heart goes out to you.

There's a saying where I am- men will pat your arse, women will save it.

Have you any Call the Midwife type organised, capable, caring women friend(s) to ask over to regiment and shame the rest of family into some sort of you-centred support?

Idk what your financial situation is but tbh if affordable, I would offer to pay someone if necessary, from the joint account - but hard for you to organise as you are.

I imagine you need some proper you-centred care and attention and not just half-hearted platitudes that are still them-centred. Women are conditioned to put others first mostly, hence why men aren't such good careers as they haven't been obedience trained like us. Get another woman involved to order the chaos and here's wishing you rest and care.