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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Just said 'no' to a hug from a guy - and it's because of you lot.

75 replies

delphguelph · 06/08/2018 16:05

That's it really.

Before I'd have felt obliged to hug - not anymore! I just said 'no, it's OK'

#mychoicenotothug

OP posts:
sashh · 07/08/2018 11:19

Flippetydip

What you should do is tell them you don't like it and that you want them to stop.

Back i the real world, maintaining relationships...

You should develop a skin condition that can be passed on by kissing.

Infected psoriasis or eczema would do, or maybe you have been exposed to chicken pox?

Flippetydip · 07/08/2018 11:38

Ask them when they are going to start kissing? Grin

That's it sashh - in the real world, they are very lovely men, I'm not threatened by them, I would hate for them to feel offended - it's not because they're men that I don't like kissing, it's everyone.

Anyway, as you were - sorry to derail OP. I'm just bitter because you've managed it, and I haven't (yet)!

Melamin · 07/08/2018 11:52

Meet them on a Friday and wear a ManFriday t-shirt Smile

foxyliz26 · 07/08/2018 11:52

Growing up we had a family friend , I hated him, he had to hug or put his arm around all women , even without asking

he did it to me when I was 19 , I slapped him across the face , and called him a dirty old man , his poor wife smiled at me , that it took a teenager to nip that in the bud , he stopped it for a while , but never did it when I was about

Vickyyyy · 07/08/2018 12:05

This is a message we need to teach children too. Especially little girls. It is always your choice to hug or kiss someone - whether they are a relative, a friend or a stranger. Just cause someone says "I like to hug rather than shake hands" because they think it's all cool and inclusionist or something, doesn't mean you have to do it.

I 100% agree with this. I have had many an argument with family members who insist on kisses and cuddles before they leave. They reckon its i9gnorant to not give one, and even more ignorant for me to take my kids side in it as apparently I am making them have bad manners. Whatever. I prefer them having 'bad manners' than thinking their consent means fuck all.

Having said that, I have NEVER refused hugs off men in public before, ever since I refused some guy at school and got punched for it. Stuck with me, and even in crowded places I know I am not safe. I wish I dared to, as the amount of men I have never seen before who seem to think I owe them cuddles is insane

Vickyyyy · 07/08/2018 12:07

The touching always follows a 'cheer up love, it might never happen' type comment too. Sexist pigs

LighthouseSouth · 07/08/2018 12:16

Flipettydip

tell them you want to shake hands! just be blunt.

watching women's weightlifting, I noticed that the women would finish, then their usually male coaches would be all over them, squeezing and kissing their faces.

so i hung to watch the male section - their usually male coaches just pat them on the arm or something after. so noticeable.

didn't ANY of those women find it incredibly annoying, I wonder?

OlennasWimple · 07/08/2018 13:45

DD refuses to hug and kiss people she doesn't know, won't even shake their hand. At some point, she is going to have to learn that shaking hands is a normal social convention, but at the moment I don't force her to have any unwanted physical contact even if it pisses other people off

Bowlofbabelfish · 07/08/2018 13:55

I should probably start another thread on this - but how do I now stop the cheek kissing that goes on in my team?

You stand in a way they can’t reach you. If that means you have a hand up so be it. You smile broadly, eyeball them direct and say ‘I’m not a kisser’ then you change the subject. Oh look. A badger. About that report.

If they object, and you feel humour works, you stick a hand out and tell them you have a terrible case of Ebola. Then you change the subject.

No one gets to touch you without your consent.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/08/2018 15:08

OMG. I was wondering why this thread kept making me uncomfortable. Kept reading then returning. Had an epiphany.

OK, when DS2 was about 10 he collapsed in the shower and was blue lighted to hospital. He has T1 diabetes and needed fluids really urgently. His blood was like syrup. There was a medic on each limb trying to get a line in. I nearly lost him.

Then, as the liquid started to drip in, and I started to relax, the ambulance man standing behind me, who had watched the whole thing, grabbed my arse with both hands. And I was far too astonished to even process it for days. I don't think I really have. Even now I'm short of breath remembering. It's 13 years ago, FFS.

It's appalling when I realise just how many truly shitty things men have done just to me, let alone other women I know. To use a moment like that to get away with indecent assault. I really can't imagine a woman doing anything similar.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/08/2018 15:21

Sorry, just poured that out without the key information that the paramedic used the pretence of a supportive embrace to enable his assault. One arm embrace, other hand on arse, then dropped embrace meaning second hand free to grab arse, iyswim. So, thinking about it, it would have looked like a brief harmless hug to any observer.

Of course if I'd screamed he'd probably have claimed I misread it. And now I'm thinking how many other women has he done this to.

Flippetydip · 07/08/2018 15:29

Prawn I'm so sorry to hear that, that is horrendous.

TalkingintheDark · 07/08/2018 15:56

Prawn Shock my heart stopped a bit reading that.
What a piece of evil that man was. And yes, how many other women has he done that to, in their most vulnerable moments? No doubt why he chose that job, to have access to women whose guard is down. Horrifying.

And Vickyyyyy I have NEVER refused hugs off men in public before, ever since I refused some guy at school and got punched for it.
That’s truly awful, too. I presume the school didn’t deal with that in any way?

Flowers for you both.

AncientLights · 07/08/2018 16:10

I'm told that to avoid being pulled into an embrace, possibly leading to kissing, you should offer a hand to shake, but with your elbow firmly against your own waist. This gives a rigid arm so it's then very difficult to get pulled in towards the other person. Plus a direct look at them and a business-like air, which should help. I remember the days when kissing/hugging wasn't a 'thing' in England.

haribosmarties · 07/08/2018 16:13

my family are from Italy and they genuinely do not understand why I run away from kissing them.... They expect you to kiss and be kissed by even the male relatives. I hate it. But they get very offended if I move away.

OlennasWimple · 07/08/2018 16:45

Flowers Prawn and Vickyyy

Original poster
delphguelph · 07/08/2018 17:41

Prawn, that's incredible. What went through his mind?! Madness. Oh, I'll just grab this woman's arse while I'm at it.... Shock

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/08/2018 17:56

What amazes me is that I'd almost put it out of my head. The hugging comments on this thread were kind of nagging at me. I suppose at the time I had a very ill child taking up all my attention and found it almost impossible to believe it could have happened. We were in A&E, people everywhere. And he was a HCP.

I tend to do this with bad experiences - put them out of my mind, tell myself it was no big deal. Though I suppose dwelling on them doesn't help. But there must be a middle ground. Which I need to reach.

TornFromTheInside · 07/08/2018 18:11

Those two incidents are awful.
Significantly worse than the discomfort of an welcome hug, they are assault.

TornFromTheInside · 07/08/2018 18:15

I think you've found the middle ground. You know it was assault, and very wrong, but you've not let it overwhelm you. It's right that it still wrangles.

Bowlofbabelfish · 07/08/2018 18:49

Bloody hell prawn that’s awful.

I know it’s not right to ‘rank’ assaults by how bad they are but there’s something very disturbing about someone who has the gall to do that while on a duty with a medical context, with others around and while someone is so vulnerable.

So sorry. God that makes me rage.

LighthouseSouth · 07/08/2018 18:51

Prawn, I'm really sorry that happened to you. These types are so low.

to the pp who was saying about avoiding kissing in the team - I think it's actually important that you aren't discreet about getting your point across, because people who can't see you're not comfortable won't notice you making a point discreetly.

KickAssAngel · 07/08/2018 19:11

Prawn, that's awful, and also seems to have been a well-rehearsed manouevre. He probably did that quite often. Eww.

The worst thing about ANY of these incidences, is that people assuming they can do something, rather than checking first (and they can do plenty of non-verbal, quick checks) is that it makes you have to do/say something, and then you feel like you're the one creating a problem, when really you're not.

It's so manipulative and controlling, and exactly how more overt bullies operate - they just try to slip in one 'thing' (whether it's a bullying comment or a hug) and then you either have to accept it, or stand against it, and neither of those are a good feeling.

TheCountryGirl · 07/08/2018 21:37

Oh my days, Prawn that is horrible I'm so sorry! And I'm sick to the stomach that this revolting man is with the ambulance service!! How many women has he been doing this to?? Women who might be unconscious, seriously ill, in pain, injures, close to death...? Urgh men make me fucking furious!!!! Fucking dicks!!!🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

AngryAttackKittens · 07/08/2018 21:56

Ugh, Prawn, what a shithead that man was.

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