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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Just said 'no' to a hug from a guy - and it's because of you lot.

75 replies

delphguelph · 06/08/2018 16:05

That's it really.

Before I'd have felt obliged to hug - not anymore! I just said 'no, it's OK'

#mychoicenotothug

OP posts:

hangry · 06/08/2018 19:03

i put my hand up in a kind of open palmed wave thing to stop both hugs and handshakes. got it down to a fine art.

but someone i really don't like went for a surprise hug the other day and hunched right up in a full body cringe and literally jumped backwards. that was less subtle :)

UpstartCrow · 06/08/2018 19:12

Yeah I do the assertive hand thing in my head but in reality I sort of squeak in horror and scramble backwards.

thebewilderness · 06/08/2018 19:16

One of the local hospitals had a hug bonding ritual for the medical teams which turned into a men groping women ritual until one woman finally filed a grievance.

Good for you for defending your boundaries.

boatyardblues · 06/08/2018 19:36

On my first day back in work after my Mum died suddenly, a male colleague in another team who I was not close to embraced me in a massive bear hug - and backpatted me - with all the subtlety of Captain Caveman. Seriously awkward. It’s funny (not) that’s one of my abiding memories of that period. I think it was well meant, but really, really unwelcome - especially because I’d asked my own team to be low key & not fuss over me.

Wrathofjurgenklop · 06/08/2018 19:36

I don't enjoy waiting for my turn for the sequential hug from friends and family.
I don't like it as an adult.
I didn't like it as a child either.

In our family I was famous for it.

MrGHardy · 06/08/2018 19:42

"I really, really don't like being hugged - or touched very much at all. When I lived abroad for a while, I was perpetually horrified by the custom of kissing on meeting and leaving and relocated back here happy to leave it behind.

I'm not bothered if it's men or women - I don't much like either sex doing it."

Try 3!!! Where I live it's 3 kisses. It's awkward af.

persister · 06/08/2018 21:35

I haven't been to church for decades but I always absolutely hated the kiss of peace, I wanted to run screaming from my pew rather than take part.

I'm a hugger, though. But hugs are consensual if you do them right - the kiss of peace was obligatory and I hate not having a choice about contact.

boatyardblues · 07/08/2018 00:24

Kiss of Peace

Or ‘kiss of death’ in ‘flu season with an elderly congregation...

Slapdasherie · 07/08/2018 01:27

On my first day back in work after my Mum died suddenly, a male colleague in another team who I was not close to embraced me in a massive bear hug - and backpatted me - with all the subtlety of Captain Caveman. Seriously awkward. confused It’s funny (not) that’s one of my abiding memories of that period. I think it was well meant, but really, really unwelcome - especially because I’d asked my own team to be low key & not fuss over me.

Shudder. That happened to me too, when my mother died.
Arrived at the hospital in the middle of the night to be told she had already died, and my sister had rocked up with some bloke she was shagging, who not only insisted on coming into the room with us, but also hugged me and gave me a lot of advice on how to behave.
I had never met him before, didn't even know he existed. I was so furious that he intruded into such a personal situation.
And yes, it is still one of the first things I think of about that night.

Original poster

delphguelph · 07/08/2018 02:07

Wow, people replied!

He is actually a colleague. Which makes it even more inappropriate tbh. And I saw him later on and he looked pissed off, but not a fuck I did give. I'm not moving my boundaries for you. Tough.

I'm another one who doesn't like physical contact from men or woman, especially at work. Unnecessary I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

delphguelph · 07/08/2018 02:09

I remember giving dniece a kiss when she was little and she scrubbed my kiss off her cheek afterwards ... Since then I've never kissed her or any other niece or nephew unless they come up to me. I remember that icky feeling as a kid, forced kisses, yuck.

OP posts:

womanspeaking · 07/08/2018 07:26

Good for you OP.
It's especially insidious at work.

WomanInBoots · 07/08/2018 08:38

I don't mind hugging people I like but have put up with far too many uncomfortable hugs before now too. Ugh. I hardly interact with anyone at the moment but will try to remember that I'm allowed a say if I'm ever in that situation again. I was forced to hug and kiss as a child (undiagnosed autistic child for added messed up ness) and it caused me a lot of distress. I remember being guilt tripped into it "what if it's the last time you ever see such and such? And you didn't kiss them?" ... awesome parenting skills. Not given me anxiety at all. But it "worked" and I've just realised that I have never as an adult thought about my boundaries and have just put up with hugs as I have been programmed to do.

I allow my nieces and nephews to choose if they want to hug or kiss or not. I don't see them often so why should they want to? It amazes me when they do.

sociopathsunited · 07/08/2018 09:02

I'll only hug or accept hugs from people I know really well. I'm quite happy to put a hand up and firmly shove the centre of someone's torso to keep them away from a full frontal hug. Even my husband gets that, sometimes. If I'm with some one who is in distress, I usually would give them a quick shoulder or arm squeeze. Shoulder if I know them well, arm if they're an acquaintance.

sociopathsunited · 07/08/2018 09:05

I think I'm better at reading body language than my husband. I wonder if that's generally true, women better than men?

AngryAttackKittens · 07/08/2018 09:05

I'm a hugger, but part of giving good hugs is realizing whether or not someone wants one, and only giving them one if they do.

Melamin · 07/08/2018 09:07

I much prefer shaking hands. It feels much more grown up.

I had a dentist who took to hugging

AngryAttackKittens · 07/08/2018 09:09

I had a dentist who took to hugging

Melamin · 07/08/2018 09:14

YaLoVeras · 07/08/2018 09:30

the kiss of peace, yuck! shudder of peace!

Melamin · 07/08/2018 09:45

Oh feck!!! Just remembered. It wasn't hugging, it was kissing. [boak]
I think my brain was trying to expunge the memory.

TornFromTheInside · 07/08/2018 09:53

Hugs can be wonderful. Emphasis on 'can'.
They aren't a certainty to be.
I think those in need of them tend to open their arms instinctively. Those extending a single arm are expecting a handshake, not a hug, not a kiss. If their fist is clenched at the time, they're expecting you to stop invading their space!

Her0utdoors · 07/08/2018 10:10

Nice one OP. I had to make it very clear to an older male coleuge(sp?) that he wasn't to hug me (he stopped), he would repeatedly pester younger female staff. When I accepted the job, the company owner said I should come straight to her as he had a history of being inappropriate with the young woman he worked with. When I was pregnant he asked me , in front of a male sales rep and my male manager, ' how are your piles?'. I told them all I didn't have piles, but I did have an ana fisure that was very painful. He left me alone after that!

Flippetydip · 07/08/2018 10:26

I haven't been to church for decades but I always absolutely hated the kiss of peace, I wanted to run screaming from my pew rather than take part.

We still go to church but fortunately, thank the Lord, our church does not partake in "offering one another a sign of peace" (which as a child, I always thought meant give the Victory V sign across the church and that we were all doing it wrong). When it was still in practice, DH bitterly suggested a roped off bit for those, like him, who didn't want to shake hands with anyone (Anglican - no kissing!). I'm fairly sure the roped off area would have been full.

I should probably start another thread on this - but how do I now stop the cheek kissing that goes on in my team? I hate it. We work from home, we're a really close knit team, I've known them for ages but we're 4 blokes and me. They all shake hands when we meet and I get cheek kisses. Frankly I'd rather hug.

Melamin · 07/08/2018 11:09

we're a really close knit team, I've known them for ages but we're 4 blokes and me. They all shake hands when we meet and I get cheek kisses

Ask them when they are going to start kissing?

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