Please could I have some advice on this situation

[Cutandpaste]

I’m a long time lurker, normally post on gardening(!) and breastfeeding in the past. Spend most of my time lurking on the feminist boards these days.

The situation - am on holiday with husband and 2 children. 1st day of holiday, half board. I don’t know if this is relevant, I am not white, my husband is. Went to get food from the buffet, the guy behind the counter completely ignored me and went to serve the (white) woman next in queue. They chatted a bit in the language of
The country we are in and then she pointed to me, as if to indicate that I was next in line. Up to this point I had been completely ignored by him. He then offered to serve the woman behind me her food first and again she indicated that I was next in line. He then served me literally half the food he had been serving other people. I questioned this, he pretended not to understand.

I have complained to the duty manager about this but here’s the thing - I am from a culture where if you are female basically you’re fucked. I’m so sick of fighting. I moved to London as soon as could, against a background of cultural disapproval, married my English boyfriend at the risk of being disowned.

And here I am, 45 years old and crying in a hotel room because I’ve just fucking had enough of this. I have two daughters. One of them looks English and one of them looks like me. My heart fucking breaks when I think of how different their lives will be. I don’t even know what I’m asking.

I just wanted to offer my sympathies and somewhat useless outrage on your behalf.

I hope the management treat this seriously.
I'm sorry you have to constantly fight to be treated with the dignity you deserve.
I hope you recoup your strength and fighting spirit after you've taken the time to recover.
And I hope you know that you are not alone, and that there are others who will fight against discrimination and injustice their whole lives and others who will pick up where they leave off.

Solidarity, sister.

Oh, cutandpaste, how utterly horrible.

I’m sorry. I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to say how amazing you are for fighting for a better life for yourself and your daughters than your culture of origin would have deemed good enough for women.

It is so tiring, isn’t it? The everyday experience of racism really wears you down. I’m sorry you have to bear it, none of it is right.

I would not want to pretend to know what would be the best thing to do in this situation, just wanted to offer you some understanding and sympathy.

Bloody hell, that is a horrifically shitty thing to have had to deal with.

It is completely unacceptable, and I hope you complain loudly. Please don't let this defeat you. Have a cry, then get angry. Your daughters need to see that you can fight this, that you are fighting to make things better for them.

And we have got your back.

I can’t imagine how hard that must be.
If you don’t hear from the duty manager is there a bigger hotel company or travel agency you can complain to? Make noise on Facebook etc. too.

I hope this awful man won’t spoil your holiday. Solidarity with you if you do (or indeed don’t) want to fight this utter bullshit.

I hope you're going to review them on TripAdvisor, theres a lot of people wouldn't want to give them their hard earned cash

Oh cutandpaste - that is shit. I don't know what to suggest, other than what people have said upthread. (What do we do about this sort of thing, collectively? I was horrified on an AIBU thread recently by the number of women from ethnic minorities saying what a dreadful time they'd had at a popular tourist destination in the UK near me, and how they'd never go there again. I wish I knew, other than trying to be a decent person myself, what I could do to help.)

This is horrid but it may not be because of your skin colour. It could be because you have a british accent? I have found similar behaviour when traveling and I'm white. The world does not like the brits....a lot of people hold grudges against us. Just a thought.

Try not to let it get to you, easier said than done. Don't let one person ruin your lovely family holiday xx

Second the review recommendation.

But also because I can well believe that a lifetime of having to fight against this crap is intensely draining.

that's so shitty, and on holiday too when you should be having a nice time
do you have any friends at home from your own country who you could spend time with?
I take it you are not holidaying in the UK but if you told us where you are we can all boycott it
and, if the situation doesn't improve definitely use tripadvisor

Thank you for sharing this with me. As a white person I can be oblivious.
The other customer saw this behaviour. She really saw it. She repeatedly pointed out that you had the right to be served first. for you. Thank you for helping me see.

It’s tough enough having to fight sexism, without racism as well. I can understand why you’re tearful and fed up with it, OP.
But I think anger is more useful than sorrow. Standing up for yourself not only helps to empower you, it makes things easier for the next generation, including your daughter.
If you meekly allow others to be served before you, or give up arguing about the portion size, then the racist bastard has got away with it and won’t hesitate to do it again .
Next time you go to the buffet in your hotel, be assertive. If he tries to serve the woman behind you, say loudly that you are first in the queue, and hold your plate out.
If he serves a too small portion, say so. If he pretends not to understand, repeat it, and keep holding the plate out to him, holding up the queue, until he has to serve a proper portion. And then go to the manager again. If you are on a package holiday, complain to your rep also, and have them deal with the hotel.
Finally, make damn certain that you put all this on Tripadvisor. If the hotel starts losing customers, the staff will be disciplined about their racist behaviour.
I’m so sorry this has upset you, but don’t let it spoil your holiday. Go in to that buffet tomorrow and win! And then celebrate your new found confidence.

My mouth is open and I am full of rage that you have been demeaned, humiliated and driven to tears on the first day of your holiday.

What can you do to ensure that this worm's hostility and racist misogyny doesn't spoil your family holiday for the rest of your stay?

He might think that he's got away with it by pleading language difficulties, but that won't work twice - especially if you have reported the conduct.

I would advise that you go back to the Duty Manager and ask for the full name of the employee, because you intend to complain to the hotel chain. Take your phone to the buffet and take a photograph of the offender. If he says anything, shrug and walk away.

Write that email to the hotel chain. Name him and include the photo.

It's small consolation for the suffering that you have had to endure, but it will demonstrate (to the manager and to the offender) that there are consequences for abusive, sly, snidey behaviour.

Keep strong for your children's sakes.

The only consolation in witnessed racist behavior like this, in my opinion, is that both those women know he fails to meet minimum standards of decent human being, and hopefully will complain to management.

I am so sorry he did this to you.

Thank you. Thank you so much for your messages. I’ve learned so much from this board about how women are socially conditioned to accept and not question and move out of the way.

I’m Indian and grew up in a household where I served males food and cleaned up after them, from about the age of 10. I feel like I’ve been fighting to break free from this my whole life and I’m exhausted.

I think after 35 years I’ve got a handle on the sexism and how to help my daughters - I want them to grow up thinking that the world belongs to them, in the way that it belongs to everybody, that everyone is equal and everyone deserves respect and kindness.

What I haven’t got a handle on is racism. Having lived in London for a long time, it’s not always apparent I think, and that is why I live there - we all belong there. I know it’s not the same for everyone though. So when something racist happens, I question myself - have I just made big fuss about nothing, am I overreacting, did that actually happen in the way that I thought it did? And then I wonder why I am questioning what actually happened - this man treated me appallingly and part of me still thinks - don’t make a fuss. And then I think of it happening to my daughters, especially the one who looks Indian and know, however much I do not want to go and make a complaint, that I have to. He can treat me how he likes but there is no way my daughters are growing up thinking men can treat them like that. I’m furious. (And terrified) (and still crying but a bit drunk so possibly ok)

Also, the woman behind me kept pointing him in my direction, however much he didn’t want to do it. It was quite embarrassing but also incredibly kind of her to recognise what was happening and not take part in it.

This is so sad and you have been given some very good advice here. Out of curiosity, are you able to tell us which country you are in? Is it a country where racism is endemic?

Don't doubt yourself. When you are conditioned to serve and shrink into the background it is ridiculously easy to become your own censor and push your ire down because you believe somewhere inside that you aren't a reliable witness.

You know what you experienced - it's upset you enough that you're telling strangers about it - and you are absolutely best placed to say, "No, this is not on." Keep your head high, and push back.

You are entirely in the right.

How horrible. What a nasty piece of work he was.

How fucking awful Cutandpaste

I’m glad the woman in the queue was there.

Having lived in London for a long time, it’s not always apparent I think, and that is why I live there - we all belong there.

YY to this. We moved somewhere much more Conservative and conservative (big and little C). Lack of racial diversity for my children is now something I have to actively consider and I miss London a lot sometimes.

Your DC are going to have their mother as an example, not the socialisation you grew up with. You will be a fine example.

At the risk of sounding like a racial defense terrorist I am a single Dad with 4 children of mixed heritage. I have lost count of the issues both home and abroad and simply put you MUST NOT relent in standing up on this issue be motivated that you are leaving a better world for others. So when my family arrives you have laid down a foundation that it is not acceptable behavior. Be strong.

Cutandpaste I get how horrible it is never to be able to relax about bullshit behaviour like this, even when you are on holiday and all you want is a meal you've already bloody paid for.

It's up to you whether you take this any further - you have to decide what battles to pick. But you already know you are in the right (and so did the woman behind you).

And much kudos to you for being able to recognise and fight against your own conditioning - that's something I still really struggle about.

Singlepops

She is under no obligation to do this for you.
She will do her own risk assessment. Men trying to guilt women into breaking trail for them might get a pass on AIBU but it will not get a pass here. Your comment is entirely inappropriate, self serving, and cheeky as eff.

I'm not surprised you're crying. It was a horrible thing to happen, Cutandpaste, and you have every right to be angry.

Both sexism and racism are far too common. Fighting both of them must be so draining.

But you are setting such a good example to your DDs, and I hope this gives you strength. People often say "choose your battles" but usually you don't get to choose. In what just happened to you, the battle was brought to you, so you had to fight or surrender.

I won't add to the good practical advice you've already received. Just offer you . I would've given you but you've probably had enough already.

All you can do is keep on keeping on. I've dealt with sexism all my life but I've no experience of racism. It's a double burden. I'm sorry you're carrying it. You'd have thought people could've grown out of mindless prejudice by now.

So sorry this happened to you Cutandpaste.
Don't have anything more significant to add, just and hopefully the rest of the holiday won't be as bad.

I’m sorry this happened. Can you find the woman who supported you and complain together? With the backing of another, it’s not just your word against his. He shouldn’t get away with this.