Please could I have some advice on this situation

[Cutandpaste]

I’m a long time lurker, normally post on gardening(!) and breastfeeding in the past. Spend most of my time lurking on the feminist boards these days.

The situation - am on holiday with husband and 2 children. 1st day of holiday, half board. I don’t know if this is relevant, I am not white, my husband is. Went to get food from the buffet, the guy behind the counter completely ignored me and went to serve the (white) woman next in queue. They chatted a bit in the language of
The country we are in and then she pointed to me, as if to indicate that I was next in line. Up to this point I had been completely ignored by him. He then offered to serve the woman behind me her food first and again she indicated that I was next in line. He then served me literally half the food he had been serving other people. I questioned this, he pretended not to understand.

I have complained to the duty manager about this but here’s the thing - I am from a culture where if you are female basically you’re fucked. I’m so sick of fighting. I moved to London as soon as could, against a background of cultural disapproval, married my English boyfriend at the risk of being disowned.

And here I am, 45 years old and crying in a hotel room because I’ve just fucking had enough of this. I have two daughters. One of them looks English and one of them looks like me. My heart fucking breaks when I think of how different their lives will be. I don’t even know what I’m asking.

Take it from duty manager to general manager I mean.

It sucks this has happened to you and re-opened old wounds on holiday - the last thing I would want at a time when I would be looking forward to some R n R

Presumably where you are has race discrimination laws?

I'd report him - preferably with a witness statement and demand his removal or a new holiday at a different destination - do you know any lawyers? The hotel / your company have duties of care and they are failing in these by employing openly racist employees who are refusing you service and putting you in harms way - that can't be lawful

Certainly escalate it and keep escalating it - ring the CEO of hotel chain / tour company ( whoever you made your booking thru) - tell the Daily Mail etc - I know it's an unwanted burden - is your partner able to assist? The more noise you make about this the better

It is abysmal you have this to contend with - would make me feel like flying home and having another holiday paid for by them

That’s awful - it makes my blood boil!

I would complain. Complain to the hotel, to the holiday company. Unless you get an immediate and satisfactory apology I’d Use Twitter, Facebook etc. Get angry. Channel the rage. Tell them you will go to the UK press as needed.

If there’s any way you can find the woman on the queue behind you then you could perhaps ask her to give a statement too?

I hope the rest of your holiday is more relaxing - you should have had a relaxing holiday from the start and the holiday company and hotel have let you down badly.

so sorry this has happened to you OP.
Gather your strength, then act.
Some brilliant suggestions re: photographing him (but stay safe doing so, or send DH)
What has DH's take been on the situation? Did he experience any odd behaviour? Just wondering as someone upthread suggested it may be a Brit thing.

I beg you not to let this imbecile ruin your lovely family holiday. He is an irritation, see him as a mosquito to be dealt with rather than the defining moment of your week.

Just a quick update - we’ve had four managers of various sections apologise to us today. We also had a chat with the manager. I’ve calmed down a bit since yesterday in that I’m not crying any more, just angry.

We are now in the ridiculous situation where all the staff are being super attentive. I’m being given loads of food that i’m unable to eat.

But, in terms of what will actually be done? He’s been talked to. He tried to talk me today but I walked away, I don’t want to have to accept his apology. He knew what he was doing and he did it because he thought he could get away with it. The other customer didn’t let him and neither did I. He’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught out.

The head chef came to apologise tonight and said it was all a misunderstanding about portion sizes. My husband asked him what bit of being ignored was a misunderstanding, and how they had decided that’s what it was. I didn’t misunderstand and the waiter knows it. The look on his face as he pretended he couldn’t understand me told me everything I need to know about what he thought about me.

My husband has been great, incredibly supportive and furious on my behalf. When I decided I didn’t want to speak to the manager as I’ve had enough of thinking about this he suggested that I would regret it if I didn’t. He came with me and fought my corner. I just think of him as my husband, father of my kids, but when he started talking tonight I wondered if they took him more seriously as a white man. What if I’d been there on my own with the kids?

Apologies I haven’t replied to individual posters, am on my phone, but thank you so much for all your comments. So many that I want to reply to but will when I get back. And thank you for making me see that I should take this seriously and not back down.

Thanks for the update.
I am glad that they acknowledged what was done to you by apologizing.
I wish people would understand that it is impossible to make it up to you with elaborate performances and just behave properly.

Horrible. We are a dual ethnicity family but it always brings me up short when I recall some of the poor treatment my in-laws have had to experience.

I just think of him as my husband, father of my kids, but when he started talking tonight I wondered if they took him more seriously as a white man.

Definitely. I`ve stepped in a couple of times when the police or someone in authority has been speaking to a WoC poorly. There is a definite change in tone when my eyes are on them.

Men in general get listened to more. White men doubly so.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday - spoil yourselves and relax as much as you can.

With parents like you, and especially a mother like you, I think your girls are going to be well armed as they face the world.

He’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught out.
Yes, there is the rub, isn't it? Frustrating and maddening.

Sounds like you have had some good result in all this, well done. But also, only do as much as you think you are able to - you don't want to take away from enjoying what you can out of the holiday. Of course, you may feel more refreshed afterwards, and take it further.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with this shit.

Just wanted to echo that you sound like a brilliant role model and you are doing the right thing by not just accepting this BS.

Great update, in that they've acknowledged and acted on the incident OP.
Please try and shelve it if you can now - until you get home, then I would think about a few strongly worded emails.
Please be aware that although that was hideous for you, you've been a wonderful role model for your daughters, this has been an opportunity for them to see that they don't need to accept this shit. That they are important and need to stand up.
That their mum rocks
May the rest of your week be delightfully uneventful

Really well done, OP! Feel your power! The managers must have been shitting themselves about the potential bad publicity. You can bet that racist employee will have been given a bollocking and threatened with the sack if he ever does it again. And your DDs have been given a great example of how to stand up for themselves.
Now put the whole nasty thing behind you and have a fab holiday, being waited on hand and foot by repentant staff!

What a horrible thing to go though, you poor thing.

It's a double whammy when you experience racism and sexism, twice damned. I am angry on your behalf, that you've been treated like a second class citizen.