Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

What does it feel like to be a woman?

84 replies

Secretsquirrelisfedup · 22/07/2018 22:43

I am not trying to be goady. I genuinely welcome all views.

I am a woman but I cannot tell you how it feels to be a woman because I am just me. I genuinely could not answer what being a woman feels like in general terms. I can only describe how both biological and socialogical aspects of being female from birth have influenced the way I feel, which differs for every woman I know.

I would not have been directly affected by these things had I not been born female so I have no idea what I would feel like if I wasn't. So what I want to know is what does it feel like to know you're a woman without the obvious signs?

OP posts:
AngryAttackKittens · 23/07/2018 09:22

Feeling like a woman feels like being expected to soothe a man's feelings when he's said or done something to hurt or scare you.

(I mean, do you really want to know, new commenter who's possibly an old commenter under a new name? Because so far you don't seem like you have a strong enough spine to cope with being a woman.)

BettyDuMonde · 23/07/2018 09:36

AngryAA

Your comment reminds me of this article:

www.damemagazine.com/2017/03/28/why-male-anger-so-threatening/

ErrolTheDragon · 23/07/2018 09:39
  • My first thought was period pain

Then labour
Pain is a feeling, and when I’m asked to define woman, that’s where my mind goes. To my reproductive organs and the pain that issues from them. *

Similar for me, except perhaps rather than the pain and physical sensation as such, the sheer uncontrollable power of the womb.

AngryAttackKittens · 23/07/2018 09:51

I was going to say the unpleasant bouncing sensation when trying to run without a good sports bra. Then I realized that some people, very much including some on this thread, might have a wank about that.

And now I'm back to "being a woman feels like frequently being irritated by men's refusal to respect your boundaries".

garam · 23/07/2018 09:53

NO-one can explain how it feels to be a woman trans people are told by anti-trans women, yet it is demanded that trans woman explain what it is to be a woman....

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/07/2018 10:01

Garam, no, you're entirely missing the point. Without female anatomy and socialization there is no "feeling like a woman". Coming from a man the statement is pure projection and fantasy.

BootyO · 23/07/2018 10:04

It feels like being gaslit by the entire world. I’ve been conditioned to think things like the natural hair on my legs are disgusting but my logical brain can’t explain why.

Babdoc · 23/07/2018 10:06

Garam, that’s the point. There is NO “woman feeling”, common to all women. Trans women claim to “feel like women”, but as natal born men they have no experience of living women’s lives in female bodies in
a patriarchal society. And women are all different - the only thing we have in common is our female genitals, ie sex, not gender. Gender is an artificial social construct that varies across cultures around the world.

FloralBunting · 23/07/2018 10:07

I don't know if garam is trans. But if they are, I wonder if they are one of Snappity's naturally shorter transwomen, because the point just went whoosh over their head...

LangCleg · 23/07/2018 10:08

NO-one can explain how it feels to be a woman trans people are told by anti-trans women, yet it is demanded that trans woman explain what it is to be a woman....

Yes, garam. This is because a) woman is not a feeling and b) you need to be able to define the thing you feel like. We ask you this question because it demonstrates your inability to answer. It's, y'know, a logic thing.

AngryAttackKittens · 23/07/2018 10:09

Hey, Floral? I love you THIS MUCH!

Not sure I know how to pitch the point low enough not to go over garam's head. Maybe if we rolled it like a bowling ball?

Baroquehavoc · 23/07/2018 10:18

NO-one can explain how it feels to be a woman trans people are told by anti-trans women, yet it is demanded that trans woman explain what it is to be a woman....

Then I suggest that anti-women transpeople stop saying that they are women while being unable to say what a woman is. Because it come across as rather than believing that they are women,they are just trying to eliminate women as a class.

And I'm sure they wouldn't want to do that.

waterlego6064 · 23/07/2018 10:24

It feels like unicorns and springtime, fluffy kittens, white wine spritzers, pillow fights, pantyliners and tinkly laughs 😀 🦄 🐱 🥂

Oh no hang on, my mistake. It doesn’t feel like anything because it isn’t a feeling.

How does it feel to be blonde haired?
How does it feel to be tall?
How does it feel to have green eyes?

Those questions can be answered with reference to how that physical characteristic impacts the person, and society’s response to that characteristic (eg for someone tall- ‘everyone asks me what the weather is like up here’....’some doors are too short for me to walk through’...)

So we can talk about the advantages and disadvantages of being tall, but being tall itself doesn’t feel a particular way, I assume?

I am short. There are good and bad things about being short. But I don’t feel short, I just am!

RallyAnnie · 23/07/2018 10:26

I am at least in part the direct result of:

  • being assigned female at birth on the basis of my body's outward expression of the chromosomes building it
  • being raised as a girl with all the clothes, toys, expectations and oppressions that were societally dominant in the 70s and 80s,
  • living in an adult female body, dealing with hormone fluctuations, aches and pains, the biology for ovulating, gestating, birthing and feeding, whether functional or not, exercised or not,
  • making my way as an adult female in terms of education, career, hobbies, walking home after dark etc.
  • knowing that I'm more at risk of certain illnesses and conditions and less at risk of others, because of my biology.
And probably lots of other stuff as well.

How that feels is impossible to quantify because I have no experience to compare it against.

I do feel quite strongly that it's not a pick and mix list.

I also am tied in knots by those who reject the binary nature of humanity but also say "if I don't feel male I must of course be female". I'm open to the concept of a non-binary world in which we have men, women, other(s). Labels are challenging, I don't claim to have defined suitable vocabulary. But I do object to the presumption that you can "be" a woman without having been born and raised that way.

CanineEnigma · 23/07/2018 10:33

Right now being a woman feels a bit painful thanks to mittelschmerz - pelvic cramping and aching, tender breasts for me today. I couldn't have given you an answer yesterday.

raisinsraisins · 23/07/2018 10:47

Sometimes I don’t feel like a “proper woman should”, I just feel like myself, because I like science fiction, maps and war films. I don’t like rom coms, nail varnish or pink.

I guess this is just society’s view of what makes a woman, and you’re made to feel less feminine if you don’t like these things.

HotRocker · 23/07/2018 10:51

I don’t think I feel like a woman, I have a female body which I deal with on a daily basis and I get treated like a child/an idiot/an inconvenience/a sex object/invisible, but those aren’t feelings related to what I am, they are related to how people treat me. Pain is a feeling, and I get horrendous period pains, and labour pain is all consuming, but that’s just my body doing what my body does because it’s female. There maybe Women who don’t have periods, or have never had painful periods, or have never given birth, but I bet at some point they’ve experienced what it is to be treated like a woman by society. No man will ever experience that, no matter how long his hair, how much make up he wears, or how frilly his dress. He may well get plenty of shit for his presentation, but it’s not the same as Second guessing everything you do because you know full well that everything you do will be judged by someone as being because you’re the owner of a female body.
Everywoman will know this, whether they be the Queen, the woman on the checkout in Tesco, a woman who has lost her husband and who is looking after her small children in a refugee camp, or a highly paid city banker. All women get this, we understand it whether we think about it or not., we alter our behaviour because of the judgements and expectations of other people whether we realise it or not, and we all instinctively look out for danger, because we know our female bodies make us vulnerable, and society has taught us that it’s our responsibility to stay out of trouble, and we know we’ll be judged very harshly if we are seen to allow ourselves to be harmed.

A person who has a male body will never have all their thoughts, feelings and actions shrunk down to then dismissed because they have a male body.

Secretsquirrelisfedup · 23/07/2018 10:52

OK I started this thread because it is a question that has been bothering me since the whole definition of being a woman has been up for debate. I am usually too shy and too used to being shouted down and having my words twisted to ask these questions out loud to the people who can actually answer them but last night I had the confidence of a bottle of wine after somehow managing to land myself in a conversation with a male acquaintance (who is neither trans nor knows anybody who is trans) who asked my opinion on trans rights and self ID and then proceeded to tell me that I was wrong and bigoted because trans women are women and that this is defined by a feeling.

I did not actually say that trans women aren't women, or that they shouldn't be treated as such. All I said was that I didn't understand what "the feeling" is as every single woman I have ever met (including myself) has a different set of experiences. Although most share at least some common experiences, even women with similar experiences feel differently about them.

@garam I am not demanding anything. I am frustrated at being called a bigot for being told that being a woman is a feeling and daring to say that as a woman I have no bloody idea what this feeling is that I keep being told about.

How is anybody supposed to just accept without questioning that the provisions made to keep them safe are being opened to anyone who claims to feel something which cannot be proved or defined. Once anyone can come in, the spaces are no longer able to serve the purpose they were created for and if that happens what the bloody hell is the point in having access to them for anyone who is not the threat they need protection from?

OP posts:
Nuffaluff · 23/07/2018 10:57

All of my feelings of being a woman are to do with my biology.
My hormones play a big part. I’ve never been on hormonal contraception, so I’m used to changes in the way I feel through the month - lots of energy after my period and during ovulation, feeling teary before my period and knackered during.
I have no internal sense of being a woman apart from biology. I think I have the same thoughts as my DH and other male friends do.
I like being a woman despite some of the crap we have to put up with!

WaitrosePigeon · 23/07/2018 10:57

Right now... managing a really heavy period on a 12hr shift. Lots of dragging pains. Worried I will flood onto my trousers. Checking in the toilet all the time.

Sparklywolf · 26/07/2018 01:23

www.buzzfeednews.com/article/tanyachen/women-sharing-moments-they-felt-threatened-were-stalked

I feel most "like a woman" when I read this kind of article and identify with the feeling of never being 100% safe, always trying to stay alert just in case. Knowing that men just don't get it and will always think I'm overreacting if I try to explain.

Dottierichardson · 26/07/2018 01:31

OP perhaps you should give your male acquaintance Rebecca Solnit's article on 'Mansplaining' since he is a prime example of that practice. Although, if he doesn't see the problem with a man telling a woman he knows more than her about what being a woman means, he is possibly too dim to manage the Solnit either.

www.guernicamag.com/rebecca-solnit-men-explain-things-to-me/

PerspicaciaTick · 26/07/2018 02:05

I know how I feel to be me. I dont know how you feel to be you. I can't assume that how I feel to be me is the same as how you feel to be you.
I probably have more feelings in common with a male computer programmer than I do with a female model, or with another parent than a non-parent, or a Terry Pratchett fan than a football fan... but that is an assumption on my part, not a universal truth.

catkind · 26/07/2018 02:46

They're talking about self image aren't they? That "feeling" is just self image, the narrative you tell yourself about yourself. Not something that has to make any logical sense. Not something anyone can explain, even about themselves. Built up from ideas subconsciously absorbed from babyhood onwards - so yes a large part stereotypes.

I don't think it's something we should base a definition on let alone law. Humans are notoriously capable of deceiving themselves or being deceived by a variety of influences. Even without the possibility of straight out lying. Self image just doesn't give a sensible or useful category. But I assume that's what trans-activists mean by "feeling" here.

Those trans people who are able to logically dissect their feelings tend to realise that it's their self image that's in error not objective reality. Trans-activists on the other hand are currently campaigning for self image above reality.

That's not to play down how difficult it must be when your image of yourself and the reality don't match, particularly when it's about something as binary and ubiquitous as sex.

For me what does being a woman feel like? A bunch of biological inconveniences mostly. It's not that high in the list of categories I'd identify myself in. Human, member of my profession, musician, somewhat failed mathematician, parent, member of K family. European, British (definitely in that order)... Woman is quite far down. But then there's also a defensive reaction when I feel like someone is looking at me and seeing "woman" rather than "person". You can tell can't you? And I'm lucky enough to have avoided the worst cases of it but still hate it. It tends to mean they make wrong assumptions about me but also I start acting all awkward because I'm aware of that going on.

Writersblock2 · 26/07/2018 06:54

It’s such a mind-boggling topic to explore, when you get down to the gritty detail of it.

It is just biology, but the previous posters are right in that off the back of that biology is the way we are treated as a class, mostly by men (but most definitely maintained by other women too), because of that biology. We didn’t choose that biology and we didn’t choose the subsequent treatment. That it is beyond our control can be incredibly distressing, and I think mostly the reason why so many young women are suddenly claiming themselves to be men. I remember a brief period in my own teen years, when I first became consciously aware of the systematic oppression of my sex, and I very badly wanted to get out of that. It became very apparent very quickly, after a lot of reading and soul-searching, that it was absolutely impossible to become a man and therefore throw off the shackles of my sex. The best I could possibly hope for was flying under the radar. But I knew that was simply a lie. And so here I am today, accepting of my sex, but refusing to accept that out-of-control feeling that comes with my sex-class oppression, and therefore fighting for women’s rights and freedom from patriarchy.

When it comes to the trans argument, it’s clever in the sense that we have a very hard time proving they are wrong. We know they are wrong, they know they are wrong, and sex is a simple fact. However, it’s almost impossible to argue against someone who claims they have a “feeling” because we are all taught to respect another person’s feeling.

I believe there are some individuals, as pointed out above, that genuinely see themselves as something other than their biology. That doesn’t mean they are, but they so strongly do NOT identify with their own biology that they turn to the other sex looking for reprieve. This has nothing to do with the reality of their own biology and everything to do with the trappings and stereotypes that come with their biology as a class.

However, what we are dealing with currently is, for the most part, something entirely different. Most of these people claiming trans, I do not believe they genuinely feel they are the other sex. Some, like the young girls, are in a lot of pain because they are female living in a world where there is relentless pressure to be a certain way. Eating disorders and self-harm are disordered ways of coping with this pain. I believe refusing to “identify with” one’s biology is another.

The other camp is simple: men who, like the previous poster with the tale of The Princess and the Frog stated, simply wish to possess women in their entirety until they do not exist. We are an inconvenience to those men because they need us. They need us to grow them, carry them, birth them, look after them, give sex to them. And they hate that. They hate that they see us as weak (as a result of their own class’s doing). They hate that they know we are strong (despite every effort they make at breaking us down). We remind them of their own shortcomings.

In short, they hate us because we are what they can never be: female. So they are making every effort to erase that one thing that they can’t logically, factually possess, by doing their damn best to convince us that they can. They want to take away the fact of our biological reality and pretend it is their own.

Unfortunately for them and luckily for us, no matter how much they scream and shout and pretend and lie and manage to convince some of us, the truth is still always the truth no matter how many people deny that truth.

We are women; they are not.

And they fucking well hate us for it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread